Stupid or Cupid?

Is love a chain or a fence?
Is love a monument?
Is love a bridge from here to there?
Is there still love anywhere?

Is love empty, Is love dirty?
What is the cost, what is the price?
Is love only for the select or,
Could love ever be for me?

Could love be a stupid dance?
Is love simply a romance?
Does love happen just by chance?
Is love a stray arrow or a lance?

Does love hurt?
Does love heal?
Does it listen,
Is love real?

Is love worth fighting for?
Or will it abandon me
Leaving me broken on the floor?
Will love really set me free?

Is love mine for the taking?
Is love me forsaking
All that once I knew?
All I thought was true?

Is love cruel for the sake of truth?
Is love a bird in a cage?
Is it an opponent to engage
Or a bees nest not to enrage?

Is love letting go forever,
Is love never saying never?
Is love leaving
Is love cleaving?

Is love a father or a lover?
Is it from me or from a brother?
Is love something I can feel?
Is it something I can do?

Is love isolating me from others
Taking away all old friends
Saying goodbye to mothers?
Is love laying down my life
And taking up anothers?

Is love letting go?
Is love something that I want?
Is love something that I have?
Is love the answer?

Begin life anew.
A new name,
A new home.
A new love.
Is love mine?

friends

Lately I've been wondering what a friend really is. I've heard so often "You need friends! You can't stand on your own! So-and-so is your friend!" And all of these I've found myself disagreeing with lately.
When I was little a friend was someone who would play with me. We weren't friends every day, there were times when we would treat each other horrible and then the next day we were friends again.
When I was an adolescent a friend was someone I had to be with all the time. We had to talk on the phone all the time, go to each others homes at least once a week, complain to each other, make trouble with each other. Friends were inseparable and we would influence each other for the worst or for the best.
Coming into young adulthood friendship was still something like that, a friend was someone you could share all your deepest hurts and secrets with, someone you knew wouldn't tell. It was someone who would listen and give you advise, someone who's advise you would follow because of an established trust. Friends still saw each other fairly often and talked to each other as much as their schedules allowed.
Now that I'm back in MI I'm realizing that either the definition of friendship has changed once more, or I simply have no friends. And as I look about my life I'm amazed to find that I'm not heartbroken at that prospect.
I know it sounds cold and heartless, perhaps a little bitter, but I assure you that there is no bitterness in my heart as I contemplate these things. I look at my parents, especially my father and I realize that he has no friends, none at all. He may have co-workers that he gets along with well, and he may have a few people that he talks to regularly, but he doesn't go out to coffee with his buddies, he doesn't spend an hour on the phone talking with his BF. I'm wondering if that is the point I'm coming to.
I believe the definition of friendship is shifting in my heart and in my mind, and when a girl who considers herself my friend urges me to go to a club with her, I have no qualms about saying no, because I don't need to go do something with people in order to have significant relationships. I think now that a friend is simply someone I know will be there if I ever need them.

Take me there

Take me to the place where there are no bad dreams. Take me to the land where there is no such thing as fear. The place where I can run forever and never get tired. Take me where it's fun to study. Take me where even when it's snowing it's still warm. Take me to where I can eat whatever I want and never gain a pound. Take me to a place where nothing costs money and everyone smiles, where they don't need to say "have a nice day" because there's no such thing as a bad day. Take me to a land where I can be with you all day and never be interrupted by having to go to bed or to go to work. Show me what it's like to live in your mind, in your peaceful paradise, free from worries and strife, take me to that place where adventures are plentiful and always fun and never frightening. Take me to where I can always be certain I'm loved and I'll be ok.

Welcome back

Life in Michigan is different. I've been back two and a half weeks. I miss WA but I've so immersed myself in normal everyday life and classes that I haven't even been able to think about it. I do best when I'm busy, it keeps my mind off of what I've left behind and forces me to think only of the present and a little of the future.
Since I've been back I've started classes, I've bought a car, I've switched my drivers license, I've moved in with my sister and her Libyan friend, I got a new bank, I've signed my first lease, paid my first rent, bought my first running shoes, started running, lost 10 pounds, and I've started a relationship officially.
I'm realizing that my heart really is deceitfully wicked and that I don't deserve someone as good as God to love me the way that He always does.
I've encountered many obstacles that I've had to overcome, things that I worried so much about and didn't trust God about and still He came through.
With my classes I didn't think that Financial Aid would come through, but it did, all the way, everything covered.
When I bought my car I filled it up and gas poured out all over the ground, I thought I had a gas leak and was so upset. I took it back to the people I bought it from and when they checked it they discovered that it wasn't a gas leak, it was a brand new gas tank and whoever had installed it hadn't hooked up one of the hoses. They didn't charge me anything. They also discovered that there were some other problems with my car. It was well over $400.00 worth of work that needed to be done and I took it to our car mechanic neighbor of 24 years. But he didn't fix it because the people I bought it from called him and said they would fix it for me for cheaper. So I took it back to them. I worried about the cost and it took them two days to fix, but when I picked it up they told me that it was their fault for putting it up for sale without checking it out well enough and that it would have been dangerous to keep driving, so they didn't charge me ANYTHING!!
Once again God came through and that "gas leak" that I freaked out about was a blessing in disguise.
In moving in with my sister and her Libyan friend I freaked out that this girl had been eating my Kidney Beans. In an act of childish revenge I ate some of her Potato Chips. When she came home that night she had brought me a piece of pizza. I felt bad for being angry and then I asked her if she had eaten the food I thought she had. She hadn't! Then I felt even worse and I told her that I'd eaten her Potato Chips. She said that she didn't mind and that I could have them, she didn't even like Potato Chips! So I ended up with the Chips I'd stolen and no one ate my Kidney Beans, I just imagined it!
I watched in horror as my money rapidly decreased and I stopped eating to reserve what little money I did have. But I was running so I also watched with growing alarm as my body weight also rapidly decreased. Pretty soon I was just hungry on a constant basis. Then finally one night as I was at home starving I broke. The Lord told me that I wasn't trusting Him and to get out there and buy some food.
So off I went to discover the reason why they say not to shop on an empty stomach. I wanted to buy everything in the store! I prayed the entire time and finally when I was certain I would be spending at least $45.00 I checked out my groceries. It came to $28.90. And then I remembered that everything is cheaper in Michigan. I still have most of those groceries, and I'm not starving anymore!
So life is good, and it's a challenge. But God is good, and He's taking care of me.

Step by step

The bridge was one of those long rope bridges with boards tied into it. It stretched all the way across the chasm. Many of the boards were missing or cracked and the ropes had split and were frayed in places. Penelope swallowed hard as she examined every crack or split in the tattered bridge. She looked down and it was hard to keep herself from imagining what might happen if the bridge failed and if she fell. She couldn't see the bottom of the chasm, and had been told that there was no bottom, that if she fell she would keep falling forever. She shuddered as a cool breeze blew up from below, she almost thought she heard whispers on the breeze, whispering her name, calling her to come.
She had been here before, she remembered the time when she had come across from the other side; how different it had been that time. The bridge was frightening then as well, but in a very different way. She remembered looking across from the other side and not knowing at all what was ahead, it seemed so long ago.
The uncertainty then of not knowing where she was going and who was there contrasted dramatically this time with a familiarity of knowing exactly where she was going, and exactly who was there. She realized with a start that it was almost more frightening this time because of that fact.
Penelope turned and looked behind her, the path was so warm and welcoming, so beautiful and green. She saw all the friends she'd made along the way, all smiling and holding out their arms as if to embrace her should she suddenly decide against this uncertain journey. She smiled at them and took a step in their direction, but something felt so wrong about it. She turned back to the bridge and there He was standing on it, smiling and beckoning.
She sighed with relief; it was her Father. She knew suddenly that if He was on the bridge with her she need not fear falling. He held out His hand to her and gave her an encouraging smile. "Come on Penelope, you can do it, I'll hold your hand."
She rushed to Him and then paused again looking down into the darkness, "Or you sure about this?" She asked in a shaky voice.
He laughed as though she had made a great joke, she looked into His eyes still fearful and wondering. He reached out with both hands to her, "Penelope, daughter, I'm always sure. If you cant trust me with your eyes open and seeing me, close them and hold my hands, shut out the darkness and uncertainty and doubt, and listen to my voice."
Penelope took a deep breath and grabbed her fathers hands, she closed her eyes and listened as he softly and confidently told her where to place her feet.
Finally she heard him say "Open your eyes daughter." She opened her eyes and met his gaze, then she looked around and realized that she was already on the other side of the bridge.

Bucket list

These are those things that I have to do before I die:
-Go to Australia
-Be a Wife and a Mother
-Kiss my Husband
-Go Salmon fishing
-Own a puppy
-Make friends all over the world
-Lead a Muslim to the Lord
-Get a full body massage
-See Les Misrebles
-Jump a train (that should maybe be the last thing on my bucket list)
-See the white cliffs of Dover
-Go to Italy
-Go to Ireland
-Go sky diving
-Be fearless
-Write and publish my own book
-Ride an Elephant in Thailand
-Climb Mt. Rainier
-Touch Mt. Everest


there are more... I'll add them later.

The Blind Poem

The world was once so full
And now there is nothing.
A blank page, an empty scroll
A closed book, a searching soul

Once was light and now darkness
All light has failed to shine
I’ve searched and searched and cannot find
The sight that once was mine.

In a moment you can lose
All that you have known
In a moment you can choose
To keep what should be grown.

In darkness and confusion I stumble over a chair
I don’t know where it came from; I did not see it there.
Do I move one more step? Do I even dare?
When every step I take could send me falling, falling, falling

These things remain to me
I can feel, I can hear
But is that enough to be free?
Is that enough to once again see?

Take a step; find a snare
Turn one way; turn to where?
Noises, voices; all around
If I speak will you hear the sound?

Calling, crying, loudly trying
Let my voice reach your ears
Please take pity on my tears.
I am wasting all these years; not seeing you.

Revelations from lakes

The other day I was on my way home on the bus. It was a particularly sunny and beautiful day and I heard Father whisper in my ear "Come away with me." I got off at the next stop and walked back into Kirkland and sat on the edge of the dock. The wind was perfect and there were so many sailboats out on the water, I just sat alone with Papa on a much needed Daddy/Daughter date. The waves were very choppy because of the wind and occasionally a stray wave would leap up and tickle the bottom of my feet. I loved it and every time it happened I would smile and tell Father how happy I was.
Finally Father directed my gaze downward and I looked into the wild waves, He told me to look deeper and as I did a school of fish caught my eye. They were swimming perfectly in formation and I was struck by the fact that they moved smoothly underneith the choppy surface of the water. And then Father said quietly "It's crazy on top but it's calm and peaceful underneith. That's how I want you to be. When life is crazy you'll have peace underneith it all." I frowned and asked Him "But how? I'm never calm underneith!" And He answered "Just know and trust that it's I who move the wind."
Happy thought.

It's official

I'm going back to MI. I'm looking into living with my sister, starting college at LCC and getting into writing and social worker stuff. Strange. I never knew my life would change this quickly.
I'm kind of mixed emotions. One the one hand I'm thrilled to be close to my family and doing what the Lord is telling me to do, and getting my life started.
On the other hand it feels a lot like I'm going back to the beginning and back to square one. Like when I leave I'll lose everything that I ever gained here, from relationships to victories. But I know that can't be true.
I switch back and forth in between being excited to go be with my family, and in mourning because I have to say goodbye to so many here. Then sometimes I find myself in sheer panic because I don't know how to get everything that I need to get done, done in the next month.

Things I need to get done:
College stuff
Quitting job stuff
Relational clarity stuff
Saying goodbye
Figure out way home (drive vrs fly)
Figure out how to get all my stuff home (drive vrs ship)
Car stuff (my friend is offering me her old car, it's nice and would solve EVERYTHING)
Money stuff... bleh!
Financial aid for College

Wow.
God is the one who is calling me to this, and surely He will do it.
God... help?

In the Valley of Decision

In recent days I have found myself longing for home, for the fields and the trees and really just to be near to my family; those who will always love and accept me no matter what I do or say. No matter what I like or dislike. No matter how I dress or what I do with my hair. I find myself dreaming of living in an apartment with my sister Emily, and going to visit my family out in the country every Sunday. I find myself thinking of all their funny little passions and all their various idiosyncrasies. Stories of each of my siblings and of my parents are constantly parading their ways through my mind. They are all I can think about. Almost...
There is one other who I think about, and therein lies my plight. The one hesitation that I have to dropping everything and leaving is one that happens to many girls. A man. On my way home from MI just under a month ago I was dead set on leaving forever, I almost decided to miss my return flight. But now that's suddenly changed; I find myself being pursued, and sought out, someone is placing value on me and it's a wonderful thing to experience. I wonder if I left now would I still be pursued even to MI? He's a good man, I don't know yet if he's God's man, but I wonder. The more I talk to him the more I am amazed at his character and who he is. I've never met anyone like him. I find myself growing more fond and more filled with respect for him and more reluctant to leave here; the place where he is.
But he won't be here for long either, he's moving far away; in two to three months; and shall I move before him or shall I wait until after?
I guess that staying here altogether is no longer an option: If you'd asked me at the beginning of this year where I wanted to spend the rest of my life I would have said "Kirkland" without even thinking about it. I would have said that I wanted to go into the School of Prophetic Art here, and then College for Journalism and then work for the Seattle Times as a Journalist.
When or how all of that changed I really don't know; all I know is that I want to go back to MI now. Sure I still love it here, and I have a strange sense that I will come back one day.
At any rate I know I can't last until Thanksgiving here. I can't go through another Holiday without my family. But I don't know when to move.
Do I go in the end of August and say goodbye to a potential suitor? Or do I go later after having spent more time with him and gotten to know him a little better? Is he worth my putting off College for one more semester? Is he worth my possibly doing college online this semester?
Then there is of course this one haunting issue that I can not forget, no matter how badly I want to. A home. In the end of August I am expected to move out, and if I stayed any longer than that I would need to find a new place to live. It may not be as easy to get to work from that place either. But it would only be for a few months.
What should I do? God, what should I do?
I hear Him saying of the man "Give him a chance" I hear Him saying of my choice "Choose that which takes the most trust." But both take trust. Staying longer takes trust because I have to trust God for a place to live for a few months. Going takes trust because I have to give up him and trust God that if this is His man, he will pursue me, even to MI.
Honestly; now that I look at it, I can see which one will take the most trust. I know it's not the one that I want the most, but it will take a lot of trust. And now I think I know what to do.

Uncle Tom's Cabin

"Of course, in a novel, people's hearts break, and they die, and that is the end of it; in a story this is very convenient. But in real life we do not die when all that makes life bright dies to us. There is a most busy and important round of eating, drinking, dressing, walking, visiting, buying, selling, talking, reading, and all that makes up what is commonly called living, yet to be gone through; this remained yet to Augustine." -pg 176, Uncle Toms Cabin.

Yes I can relate to this so well. Sometimes I think it might be nice to be able to die of a broken heart, sometimes I think that I will in fact do it. But it never happens. I go on living everyday, putting one foot in front of the other and leaving the past behind me. Forgetting is always the hardest part. I suppose if I were to simply die when I felt my heart was breaking than I would not have a chance to be the Overcomer that Jesus calls me to be.

Learning...

Things I've learned (mostly the hard way) in the past few months:

Submission to authority is not only good; it's a self protective measure that will keep me out of a lot of trouble.

I don't want to marry a flirt.

I don't do so well in the city as I thought I did.

I love my family more than I ever dreamed I did.

I miss Michigan, of all places!

Waking up to birds chirping and the sun coming in my window is one of my favorite things in the world.

There is no one more important than Family.

I don't want my children to grow up not knowing their grandparents.

I don't ever want to become a vegetarian; no offense to them at all, it's just that I'm still not up to par in the iron count in my blood after a month of taking iron pills, and now I have to double my already high dosage; killer on the intestines, let me tell you!

I still need my Mom.

I still need my Dad.

I don't do so well being 2226+ miles away from my family.

The cost of living on ones own in Seattle is absurd.

------------------------
All this to say; my life may soon change drastically.

Adopted

I've been stuck on a certain theme in my relationship with the Lord lately. Adoption. I can't seem to stop thinking about the fact that the God of all the universe loved me and He adopted me. I didn't do anything to deserve it, and I can do nothing now to justify it. He did it just because He wanted to, because He admired and esteemed me and so He thought to Himself "I want her as my own daughter!" Then He reached down and pulled me out of my own muck and despair and called me His own.
Why???? I don't think I'll ever know.
Still if only I could get this revelation to go deep, I don't think I would have a problem with understanding my worth, and understanding my identity. I don't think that I would ever again struggle with insecurity or fear.
Father go deep, help me to grasp this love that you have taken hold of me for.

subconscious attack

In the past, my nightmares have been juvenile, filled with your typical monsters and witches, bears and snakes and spiders and tigers, even this random man in a yellow raincoat and detective hat who would shine a flashlight in my eyes. They were scary when I dreamed them but when I awoke I wondered why a flashlight was even scary. Perhaps nightmares grow up when we grow up, because they aren't like that any more. For the past two weeks I've been plagued in my sleep. I wake up feeling unhappy and frustrated and it's all I can do to drag myself to Jesus and tell Him all about it.

It started with a dream that I was on a bus talking to two small children, a brother and a sister. The girls name was Piper and the boys name was CannonHill. The little boy was telling me how unhappy he was that everyone made fun of his name, and that his Mommy didn't care. I hugged him and told him that he was a very special boy and I would be his friend. We came to their stop and one of them opened the door before the bus stopped. They both fell out and hit the road. They just lay there with their heads all smashed and I ran to make sure they were still alive. When I was satisfied that they were I told them to hold still and that I would call 911. It was all so realistic and awful. After I finished talking to the 911 dispatcher I turned and saw that Piper had vanished. I started looking for her and calling her name. I knew that she couldn't move herself so she must have been kidnapped. I happened upon a little trailer house and heard her crying inside. I burst in and could still hear her but it was as if she was inside the walls, I couldn't find her anywhere. Then a two foot tall bearded man came around the corner. So scary! He charged me and we fought, finally I pinned him down and yelled at him to tell me where she was. He said and a creepy little voice that he would never tell me but that if I let him go I could search the place. So I did and he ran off. I began searching, I called her name but I couldn't hear her anymore. I was panicking because I knew that she could die if she missed the ambulance. Then the little man returned and began shredding all the papers in his house with his name. I asked him again where she was and stressed to him the urgency of the situation. He laughed and said that I would never find her. I woke up freaking out.

A few nights later I dreamed that I was looking for something in my house in MI, a little girl was helping me. She ran into my parents room shouting "In here, in here, I saw it in here." and suddenly she vanished. I ran to the spot she'd vanished and looking down I saw a hole in the floor. In it were many things that I hadn't seen in a long time, mostly lost books. I got down on the floor and put my head through the hole and saw that there was a whole room under there with green shag carpet and stacks of things that had gone missing. Mostly I saw books, but there were some toys and clothes and socks and even a world globe. Then I saw that same little man from my other dream dashing about singing to himself how smart he was that he could steel everything and no one would ever find it. He was pretty pleased with the fact that he could even steal a little girl. I found out that he had hidden her in our old cistern, but there was no way I could get to it. Then I woke up.

Then a few nights later I dreamed that I was walking down a street and this guy called me ugly. I told him that I didn't care what he thought of me, and then I tried to kick him in the shin, it didn't work at all, it was as if there was a force field all about him that prevented me from even touching him. Then I turned and ran away and he started chasing me. I ran through a maze of cement rooms and doors. Finally I couldn't run anymore so I turned to hold the door shut to the room I'd entered. He burst through and grabbed me by the neck and then carried me away into another room where he killed me. After I died and he left me, and I went back out of that room and discovered that the last door I could have gone through before he'd caught me led into a huge church where there were cots lying everywhere. I laid down on one and a nurse came and asked me questions. Then I woke up feeling disgusting.

And last but not least, the night before last night I dreamed that I was going to rescue a four year old little boy from his abusive father. There was a man I was working with and together we were gathering clues to stand up against the father. It became apparent that the reason I knew about the abuse in the first place was because the man was also my father and the boy was my half brother. In our search for clues we discovered that the little boy had been crucified. We found a cross in the mans yard and I was so horrified that I started crying and hyperventilating and asking the man I was with how the child could even live through this. Then we decided we had enough evidence and we went to the father. We stepped up on his front porch and were surrounded by people with sabers pointing them at us. I woke up feeling sad.

So my question is why. Is there a reason for all these creepy and odd dreams? Do they mean anything? Or are they just warfare? If anyone has any sort of revelation on these dreams please let me know. Comment please. I want to know how to pray and I want to know what it is that is coming against me. Thanks!

free in love

Today I saw your sky fall down
I saw it in your eyes
The disappointment took your light
Like when a star dies

One moment you were full of joy
Life and laughter bounding
The next you were a broken toy
Lifeless, limp and drowning

Your heart had shattered, I could see
Into a million pieces
And you were crying to be free
But this pain never ceases

Today I watched him steal your heart
Without a second thought
I watched him break it all apart
You cried as well you aught

You tried to hold together
To put it all to right
But nothing in the world
Could ever change this night

I watched it all, and I was there
I saw that thing he did
I want to show you I am here
His sin will not be hid

The brokenness upon your face
Will turn once more to lovely grace
I won’t leave you alone to run
My restoration has begun

I’ve locked the door and shut him out
It’s only you and me
Now cry your pain, cry and shout
And I will make you see

That I alone can right this wrong
And I will set you free
Then you and I will sing our song
And dance upon your chains
And flowers will grow here once more
Watered by these rains.

The Look

One day I saw a father give his daughter a look.
Then something inside me lept and all I knew was that all of a sudden, I wanted to be that daughter and I wanted to recieve that look.
It's hard to describe the look, it somehow contains every good thing I can think of. The look is a mixture of joy, pride, and pleasant surprise. It's a look that says "She's mine!" and at the same time it's a look that says "She's mine?" The look is more than just a smile and an eyebrow raise, there is something in the eyes. But the greatest and most amazing thing about the look is that it is full of love. This look is seen when a daughter is born, and it's seen again when a daughter wins and when a daughter is married, but there are so many other times when the look appears. It's not always noticed by the daughter, but it's there just the same.
Why do I find myself so drawn to that look? What is it about that look that I want so badly?
Maybe I haven't noticed it before, maybe I haven't seen it before, whatever it is, I know that I have to see it now.
All daughters are made to see that look, it's something that can not be replaced by any amount of flowers or letters or even words. The look gives the daughter a sense of belonging and of being loved. Every daughter longs to see that look directed at herself. Those of us who have the look don't even realize all the time that we do. The daughter doesn't even know that the look is what she wants, she knows that she has a longing but she doesn't know what it is for. If her father for whatever reason never gave her the look, she tries to replace the look with a different look, the one of the lover, but still there is something in the look of a father that is not found in the look of a lover. Perhaps the look of a lover is meant to compliment the look of a father.
Where do fathers get that look? Where does it come from? It's a reflection. The look that comes across a fathers face when he looks at his daughter is an imitation of a look that he has seen elsewhere, in the face of The Father. Those fathers that can't give the look are those fathers that do not know the look. They can't imitate what they've never seen.
Suddenly I understand. The look is not meant to stay with the father and the daughter, the look is designed to draw the daughter to the original look. Just as a reflection is good to look at there is something in the real thing that is deeper and more real, you can touch it, you can hear it, but a reflection is contained, it's almost as if there is a person stuck inside a mirror.
A fathers look is meant to be like a stepping stone, the daughter can step on that stone and be that much closer to The Fathers Look, or she can ignore the look, or she can just assume that the look is as good as it gets. But sooner or later you have to see the original, if you've been staring at a copy all your life there is still something to be desired. Do you just want a look or do you want The Look?
I've seen a look, and it leaves me wanting more, but that's good, that's what it's for, now I'm ready to dive into The Look. A look is just a teaser, a hint of something better.
Some daughters are missing that stepping stone, but The Father is good, and He always provides a new stepping stone. He provides it in a Pastor, or in an adopted father, He provides it in allowing her to see another father interacting with his daughter.
So now we've come full circle and there is the father, and there is the daughter. He gives her the look, will she seek the original? I see the look, given to her, and I find myself wanting to be her, but no, wait, there is a reason that I got to glimpse that special look, it's to draw me deeper, to The Father, to His special Look.
I'm grateful for the copy, but I must see the original. I must see The Look.

The girl on tour

To all the Masters Commission staff, interns, and students who came to Michigan on tour throughout the years.
You made a bigger difference than you thought.
The first year you came there was a 13 year old girl, she looked at you and decided that she was going to be an MC someday, you introduced her to her aunt because you didn't realize that she was related to your host mom. She didn't mind, she thought it was funny. She watched you as you did your dances and she listened to you as you spoke and she knew that someday, that would be her.
The second year she saw you come she knew once more. Now she was 14 and she followed you wherever you went. She almost fell out of a porch door and you caught her before she hit the pavement, she was very embarised and didn't even thank you for saving her face from driveway, she simply ran away quickly to pretend it never happened. But she listened closer than before and watched you as you did work parties around her church and once more she was awakened to that desire to one day be in the Masters Commission.
The third year you came she was 15, she wasn't about to go following you around by this point, she was too cool for that by now. But she found herself moved to tears by your dances and she really didn't know what to do with herself. You prayed for her and gave her encouraging words. She clung to those with all her might throughout the next years. She told you that she wanted to be in the Masters Commission one day and you told her that that was a decision that she would never regret, she remembered those words throughout the rest of her life.
The fourth year she was 16 and she was confused about her identity, she thought she had to be cool so she wouldn't let you help her out of vans or even off of the stage; she fell off the stage and rolled her ankle. You wrapped her ankle in an ace bandage and prayed for her. She felt so alone as she watched her friends having fun with you without her, and then you came and you sat by her and talked to her and she felt much more loved. She was with you as you did your ministry and she even played soccer with you on her swollen ankle. She just wanted to be around you because you were in the Masters Commission and she sensed something very different about you, something real. More than ever she longed to be in the Masters Commission someday.
The fifth year you came the girl was 17, she didn't have too high of expectations because she figured she would never be as close with you this year as she was last year. But still she watched you do your dances and she got prayer from you for her family since her aunt had just died and the funeral was right before you arrived. She went on a mission trip the day before you left and she didn't get to say goodbye to you. But she was so thankful for the way you loved her and you gave her a prophetic drawing, the first time she had ever even heard of such a thing.
The sixth year you came she was planning on going into the Masters Commission that year and she had gone through some very hard times when she had been far from the Lord. She didn't know how she would get money and she was so afraid that if she didn't go to the Masters Commission this year she might backslide worse than before. She came in late on sunday and sat in the back of the sanctuary, she saw you and she heard you, but all she could think was "Oh Jesus, please let them see me, let them pray for me!" Then you approached her and you knelt next to her. "Do you need prayer." She exploded with emotion and she didn't even know your name, there was just so much inside that needed to come out. She was dealing with so much shame and suicidal thoughts. You could relate! You shared how the Lord had saved you from all she'd been going through and more. You prayed for her to get money and your kindness was never forgotten. She decided that she wanted to know you the rest of her life and that she wanted more than ever to be in the Masters Commission.
The seventh year you came she was hope-deferred. She thought that she would be with you by this time but she wasn't, she hadn't gotten enough money the year before and so she'd had to wait. She wasn't even sure if she wanted to be in the Masters Commission anymore. She had friends here anyway and why would she leave every friendship that she'd fought so hard to get to go to a place where she didn't know anyone? She would rather get a boyfriend and just forget the whole dream. And speaking of dreams, the only ones she knew were nightmares and she couldn't even sleep at night. But she still followed you and she worked alongside you in your work parties and she went to your ministry times. She listened to you as you boldly stepped out one night and said into the microphone "I have a word for someone who has experienced a lot of disapointment, who is that?" She shrunk in her seat because she knew it was her, but never in a million years would she admit that infront of her friends. You continued, not too discouraged "Well, whoever you are, the Lord wants you to know that He hasn't forgotten you and not to give up hope, He still has a plan for you. Come up to me later and I'll pray for you." She didn't go up to you later, that would be too wierd. She simply felt ashamed that she was too afraid now to recieve prayer from you. But you loved her anyway and you spoke to her with encouragement. She went on a walk with you around the church building before you left and she decided that it didn't matter what she was leaving behind, she had to go and be in the Masters Commission. It was now or never, she didn't want to make any more decisions that she would regret, so she made the decision she would never regret as she remembered your words from long ago.
Now that girl has come to the end of her two years in the Masters Commission, she got to experience freedom that she didn't know was possible and she learned more than she ever thought she would about the Lord, and life in general. She has been through a lot of hard times and a lot of amazing times. Now you would hardely recognize that girl in Michigan on tour, because she isn't the same person anymore. She has experienced growth, and the love of the Lord every day to a all new level. She never would have gotten what she got in the Masters Commission anywhere else. It was obviously the Lords will that she be here these two years. Thank you for participating in the Fathers will. You played a part in that girls destiny. She never would have come to the Masters Commission and been so changed by the Fathers love, if she hadn't known you and if you hadn't loved her the way that you did.
I am that girl who saw you year after year, I would always watch you do your dances and I would always look for your encouraging words. Year after year I would build with you and every year I would cry as though heartbroken when you left. And now at the end of my intern year in the Masters Commission, I want you to know that you were right, it was a decision I've never regretted. I know now that it's more than just a year, it's more than just years, I've enrolled in THE Masters Commission, to forever be completely living for the the Lord.
Thank you for the impact you made in me. Thank you for being obedient to the Lord. Thank you for loving me.
If you never saw me, and if you didn't know me, that's ok, there are so many others like me. I know because I've been on tour twice now and I've met the girl more than once. She sees us year after year and every little word, every single smile, makes a difference in her life. Even if she doesn't come to the Masters Commission, she has been changed forever, the Lord has touched her through you. Be encouraged and continue to be used by the Lord.

My wall

It was a very hot day, I kind of felt like I was in a desert, the dirt was so dusty and dry but I was surrounded by trees, what a strange place I'd found myself in. I barely knew the people with me and yet they were all waiting for me to open myself up and be honest and vulnerable with them.
The question was "What is your wall? What is that thing that you come up against wherever you go?"
I didn't want to tell a bunch of people who I'd known a week that deep part of me, but I knew I had to.
"My wall," I answered "Is not giving up, I get so tired when things seem impossible that I just want to give up, so maybe endurance or perseverence?"
"How do you feel when you give up?" was the next question, sure, why not tell you all my inner thoughts, you'll find out eventually I'm sure.
"I find it easier to give up next time until I have no confidence in myself whatsoever."
Ok, moving on to the next person. Phew, I said it all, the spotlight was no longer on me.
Imediately I was second guessing myself, what if that wasn't my wall, what if I said the wrong thing, what if everyone was afraid I'd just bail on them when things got hard. Shooot, I could talk what-ifs until the world ends!
Later on I had completed the "Flying Squirrel" all we had to do was run and be lifted from the ground by a series of ropes and pulleys, not too hard, though going into it I was so afraid. But I was on top of the world, I was ready to take on ANYTHING! Or so I thought, that was before I was asked to take "Leap of Faith".
I looked up at the pole, it went up 50 feet in the air and I would have to climb all that way! Not only that but then I would have to get on top of it and jump to try and catch a trapeze which was way out of my reach! My stomach ached just looking at it, but nevertheless I began my climb.
I may have been 3 steps up when I thought "WHAT AM I DOING!? THIS IS SO CRAZY!" But I told myself to keep going, I was wearing a harness and my team mates held me up by a rope. I wouldn't die, even if I did fall!
I climbed on up and everything was shaking until I reached the top, I thought that the jump would be the hardest but it wasn't! Getting on top of the swaying pole was the hardest! It felt like I was frozen there for an eternity, but in reality it was only 5 minutes. Others called out encouragements but nothing would work, I couldn't get my legs to move, I couldn't let go of the pole with my hands, and standing seemed impossible! I only wanted to give up and climb back down the way I had come up, but no! That was my wall! I couldn't give up! Never!
Finally I was up and I wasn't even sure how it had happened, I had been whispering "Jesus" the entire time and now I was standing on the pole with my arms outstretched as if I was worshipping Him. But I was terrified, standing on a 50 foot swaying telephone pole. Now all I had to do was just jump!
I smiled as I heard my friends cheering me on and I counted in a shaky voice, "1, 2, 3." But nothing happened! I was supposed to be jumping but my legs wouldn't do it!
"You will not die!" I growled to myself "Help me Jesus!"
"Hey!" Called a student, "It's a happy day!" and they all burst into singing "Oh! Happy Day, Happy Day! You washed my sins away!"
I laughed as I remembered my encouraging them that morning to wake up and act like it really was a happy day, how courageous I'd been that morning as I'd leaped about and shouted "Come on! It's a happy day! Weren't you saved from a lot? Lets be literal here! Look happy when you sing Happy Day!"
Then I realized that I was standing with my arms outstretched and they were singing Happy Day and really, I was worshipping of top of that height, all I had to do was jump, just like I always did in worship!
I started singing along with them and then I jumped, overcoming my fear and my temptation to quit and placing all my trust in Jesus.
Why do I tell you this story, well, because I did it another girl decided that she would. And now I can't think of giving up because I didn't that once and something broke!
Do something you're afraid of today. Do it as worship to the Lord and others will be inspired to follow you.
I've not felt the same ever since I jumped, something changed, others have told me even by just looking at me that I'm different.
So this is to encourage you, just do it! Jump! It's a happy day! Conquer that wall, whatever it may be, and never, never, never give up!

Speak to me

Here in the dark, the stars above
Here in the light, surrounded by love
Even if you ascend as a dove
Even when push comes to shove
Please hear me up above
Speak to me.

When all I hear are lies
When all I can do is look to the skies
From my lips come groans and sighs
When tears will not stop flowing from my eyes
Only you will hear my cries
Speak to me.

When I'm afraid, and no one is around
When I am with friends not listening for the sound
When I am lost, groping the ground
Even if I am nearly drowned
Speak to me.

If ever I lie, if ever I steal
If ever I refuse to believe what is real
Even if I never get to eat another meal
Do not from me your voice conceal
Speak to me.

Don't let me run away
Don't leave me for even a day
I don't want my own way
Be with me when the world is gray
Come what will, come what may
Speak to me.

When I make the worst mistake
And when all I am is a fake
When my heart will only ache
In the storm, in the quake
Grap my shoulders, give me a shake
Speak to me.

In the desert with no shade
In the water that I wade
By myself or in a crowd,
I am listening
Speak so loud!
Just speak to me.

Clean or New

It was nine thirty when we heard a knock,
That sound did come as a bit of a shock
Living in the middle of nowhere
Rarely was ever a visitor there
We opened to see a young man with blond hair

He smiled and said “I’m Maverick
No, this isn’t a trick
Give me ten minutes to show you a deal
Then I’ll get to go home and have a good meal.”
Ten minutes we had
That wasn’t so bad
So we gave the man a chance

But what he showed us that night
Gave us all quite the fright
What he showed us was, well, lets take a glance
The cleaner of cleaners, the King of suction
More power than others and much more fun!

Not just any old piece of trash
This one would make you, all your old ones smash!
A vacuum cleaner, shining bright,
It seemed the sun rose in the middle of the night.

Kirby was the cleaners’ name
A name which is so full of fame
That name would put us all to shame

The man, (what’s his name?) Oh, Marmalade
Said “now, there’s no need to be afraid!”
And on the floor he dumped some salt
This showed up well, since our floor is the color of malt

Then pulling out a filter and placing it in his friend
He told us that with this, our floor he would mend.
But try as he may, and try as he might
He couldn’t pick up the salt quite right
The black filter was supposed to show up the white.
But the salt was covered an inch thick with gravel
The Kirby was stumped, once in all its travel

Said what’s-his-name, oh Marmaduke,
“I know that this is not a fluke!
Sure, looking at this floor may make you want to puke
And I do see your sad expression
Just let me teach this important lesson

I suppose you think all this dirt is your fault?
That it’s your fault we can’t see the salt?”
“Yes of course” Said my Mom with a sigh
She was so embarrassed she thought she might die.
“No, No!” cried, um, Marvelo?
“That is a lie!”

Your vacuum cleaner is a hunk
Of plastic and metal, it’s just junk!
You thought all this time you were sucking it up
But all this time you were pushing it down. Yup!

You’ve been made a fool
The Kirby for you would be a wonderful tool!”
Marvin told us the price; it was half of a truck,
And my Mother said “Nope, you’re out of luck!
A Kirby really is not what we need,
Rather from this carpet we’ve got to get freed!

This carpets age is forty year old!
It won’t be fixed and it won’t be sold,
We’ve just got to throw it out in the cold
Now you can go, if you’d be so bold.”

But Maverick still tried and tried
But we all new that that deal was fried
So ten minutes became an hour and a half
And Kirby’s price became less and less
So low if I told you, you’d probably laugh!
The living room was a terrible mess
With piles of dirt pulled up from the depths

Finally Marzipan, oh whatever, that Man
Left ‘because things didn’t go according to his plan
Quickly my Mom got out her cleaner
Then she said with grim demeanor
“It’s time to shove these piles back
And let’s not focus on our lack
One thing we have a lot of is dirt
So we’ll no more with Kirby flirt”

Now I tell this tale with a smile,
Even though it’s been awhile
I think that that carpet is like my heart
How from my dirt I’d love to part.
And sometimes to get clean I start
But it’s really not worth cleaning
I need a brand new meaning,
Instead of always just hiding it all.

Sometimes someone (like Kirby) comes along
Show’s me my dirt, show’s me where I’m wrong
I can try to get Kirby to clean me; I can try to get others to fix me
But I think Jesus wants to make a brand new Ellie

Throwing out the old and replacing with new
I think that cleaning really would not do
Jesus doesn’t say “Buy the Kirby and solve it all”
Jesus says “Give me that heart!” and I answer His call.

He replaces my heart like the carpet
And in my dirt I no longer sit
And soon I don’t remember, soon I forget.
Never dirty again, He’ll let me get.

We all have our dirty carpets; we all have our own mind
We’ve got to stop wasting time, leave it all behind
Don’t push rewind!
There’s only one way to win the Derby,
And, I know, it’s not to buy the Kirby.

Hear

Here I am, in the dark, alone once again
My heart is aching, all I feel is this awful pain,
My eyes are dry with no more tears
I wonder why after all these years
A grown woman becomes a child;
all her hopes unreconciled.
She asks and cries but hears no word
She wonders if He's even heard
My heart is breaking, I can feel it
Who will take it? Who can heal it?
All she wants is to be held, she's not too old
Tried too long to be bold.
All she wants is to be told
"I love you, you are beautiful!"
She thinks at last she might be whole.
It's too much "I can't take this anymore!"
Then she hears a soft knock at the door.
Tripping and stumbling across the floor
Who could this be? Her visitor.
My hand on the knob, in my heart a great throb
Opening the door there is no one
And now I'm back where I begun...

"My child, my child, your heart is cold!
Let me touch it, make you bold
My child you are my everything
To me come close, all your pain bring.
You say you're looking for a father,
Well this Father is looking for another.
Daughter wont you please be mine?
I've wanted you; all this time."

At the name of Jesus...

Jesus, yours is the only name that can make me feel the way it does.
I hear your name and no matter what chaos is happening around me; suddenly I have peace.
At the same time as being filled with this peace that puts me to rest, my heart beats with a great excitement that cannot be contained.
I am completely satisfied when I hear your name, yet I long so desperately to be near you that I feel I will die, so great is my longing!
I hear your name and joy and trust and hope combine within me and make a marvelous journey all throughout my body until they reach my face which as a result is caused to turn its gaze upward; searching.
When I hear your name a flood of memories washes over me like an ocean wave; I remember all you've done for me and I am in awe.
Just the name "Jesus" lets me know that everything will be ok.
When I hear your name I am swept once more into the greatest romance ever known; ours.
The sound of your name brings tears to my eyes, or a smile to my face.
The sound of your name brings me falling to my knees, or it stands me back up again.
And the only thing in all the universe, that is better than that name "Jesus" is trully knowing the one who bears it. Oh to know you Jesus.

You're not alone

How did I get here? All I was doing was serving you, Lord, all I did was give you the first place in my heart. Now here I am; surrounded by darkness. The world seems a cruel place here in this Lions Den.
I look around me and I see their shapes; I hear their growls in the dark, Father. And I hear their mocking voices around me. Occasionally I can see a glint, is it their eyes or their teeth? Never mind, I don't really want to think about that right now. I can hear the accusations; the growls are now becoming words. This is what they are saying: "You will die here, by our will, you will die. You can not escape, it's too late for you. You should have just done what everyone else was doing. You shouldn't have stuck to your convictions; what good will those do you here? Where is this God that you would risk certain death for now? Why do you obey this God of yours, just look where it has taken you. You had to be different didn't you? Well look where it's taken you? You've been handed over by the one you thought would protect you."
Maybe I don't always see the benefits of serving you Lord, especially not here, but I know you, I know that you are good! That's all I really need to know right now, that's the only hope that I can cling to.
I raise my cry to heaven; Oh Lord answer me according to your justice and mercy. Father, I trust you! Help me now! Still if it is your will that I die by these creatures jaws, then I submit to you; you are just.

Ellie! Do not be afraid, I am here to shut the mouths of the lions, take heart, you have found favor in the Lords eyes. You are not alone!

Riding His Shoulders

I rode on your shoulders all day long
We'd laugh and run, play as though nothing was wrong.
High above the world, I rode
Long powerful strides I strode
Nothing else mattered, no one else, only you
For with you there was only room for two
Then my world was shattered, the day I fell.
I landed hard and called out loud
How recently I'd been so proud
I saw you bend, pick up another, you walked away
not looking back, nothing to say.
I watched my heart break that day.
I once felt so strong, tall and brave
and then I entered a cold dark cave.
Now weak, fearful and oh so small,
I hear myself think "It was my fault"
I watch you disappear in the distance,
Never again, you were my last chance.
"Lady" I hear, "Might I have this dance?"
Raising my head, so ashamed, I see a hand outstretched to me.
"I'm sorry sir, I'm broken, you see? I can't make anyone happy"
The man shook his head sadly
"You don't need to, I'm not looking for anything from you,
let me take you and make you new"
I cant trust "No, You'll fix me to let me fall again!"
"I'm not that way," I hear Him say.
"I'll be your husband, I'm here to stay.
I'm not looking for you to give me pleasure, I would rather give than get.
So rest now, do not fret,
and I will help you trust again."
I reached up and in that moment I chose
I took His hand and again I arose.

Confusion

Why is this familiar? This strange new place.
I know I've never been here or have I?
It's true I've been running, as if in a race
Hindered somehow, like I'm walking in place.
I've been here before, and yet I have not
or maybe I have and I just forgot.
Everywhere the same old tune,
that haunting melody that leaves me in ruin.
Leave me alone, leave me alone;
You never answer, never pick up the phone.
I weep, I cry, I shout, I moan.
Where am I going? Why am I alone?
I'm going no where!
I've reached a dead end, does anyone care?
How can I go on? And do I dare?
I'm looking for a place where I've never been.
I'm searching for the sight that I've never seen.
Run away! Run away! No, stop! Please stay!
I'm afraid to leave, I'm desperate to go!
I'm sorry! I'm sorry, I don't even know.

Beautiful Tears

by Elle Batdorff on Thursday, March 18, 2010 at 10:01pm

On this past Monday I felt great, my life was so exciting, I was in Kirkland for crying out loud! At this amazing conference surrounded by amazing, passionate people, who love Jesus more than me! I went into worship that night thinking only to give praise to my Father who is worthy of every ounce of strength within me. After all I was feeling pretty good so I figured I didn't need to receive anything, just give. What I didn't realize was that God did have something that He wanted to give me.
Rick Pino introduced us to this song which was written long ago during the Jesus People movement, and I started crying right away as the Lord poured out His pleasure and approval on me throughout my listening. I didn't realize that there was this deep need in me to hear His voice say "I'm proud of you." This song strikes a cord in me, as I often find myself alone or confused, thinking "God you brought me here, now what?". The Lord just wanted to tell me that He sees me, He sees the obedience and the sacrifice I've given to Him and He loves it. There is such a special place in His heart for those who say "I don't care how difficult this is, or how alone I am in it, I'm still going to run after you!" He showed me this. So I wanted to share this with all the other pioneers out there, maybe you feel alone sometimes, maybe you wonder if God realizes just how painful this is sometimes, but just know that God is so pleased with you. He hasn't forgotten you, He sees you, and He sees your sacrifice and your obedience; you don't have to try any more to please Him, He's easy to please and He's already pleased with you. So be blessed as you read this and receive from Him.

Pioneer
By Nancy Honeytree ©1993 OakTable Publishing, Inc./ASCAP

Pioneer, pioneer
Keep pressing onward, beyond your fear
Only the Father goes before you
To your own frontier
You're a pioneer

Uncharted wilderness stretches before you
And you thrive on going where no one has gone
Still it gets lonely when darkness deepens
So sing by the fire until the dawn

You travel light, you travel alone
And when your arrive, nobody knows
But the Father in heaven, He's glad you can go
For those who come after you will need the road

What you have done others will do
Bigger and better, and faster than you
But you can't look back, you gotta keep pressing through
There's a wilderness pathway, calling you

Calling you, calling you clear
Keep pressing onward, you can't stay here
Only the Father goes before you
To your own frontier
You're a pionee

The meeting

The little girl sat on the bench across the hall from the door. She kicked her legs nervously and occasionally cast an anxious glance at the door, certain that she'd heard the handle turn.
She'd been summoned to meet the Master that morning and she had no idea why. She'd never met the Master before, so she assumed that this must be a very bad thing. She racked her brain, going through every bad thing she'd ever done, every mistake she'd ever made, even those that she had only thought about and chosen against for fear of getting in trouble. Maybe this was for sneaking food to bed last night, but no, she'd done that before and hadn't had to visit the Master for it.
The girl sighed, she tried so hard to be good, and she would still do naughty things. She thought she must be the most punished child in the orphanage she lived in. She drew her knees to her her chest and wrapped her arms around them, "Oh why am I so bad?" she moaned.
She knew she deserved her discipline, and every night she would pray sincerely to be made into a good girl. Still this didn't seem to help. Teachers, Caretakers and friends would often tell her that she wasn't trying hard enough, or they would tell her that there was no hope, she was just a bad girl.
She sighed, what about the Master? What would he say to her? What would he do to her? She began to shake as her imagination ran wild through all the possible punishments she could think of.
The door opened and the child's heart leaped into her throat, her heart beat wildly as the receptionist emerged.
"He's ready for you. Go on in and knock." The the receptionist walked off down the hall.
The little girl shuffled into the receptionists office and stood frozen, staring at the door. "The sooner I knock the sooner I get this over with. She started toward the door and raised her hand to knock, then a new thought occurred to her; what if she was about to be punished for every bad thing she'd ever done? Her hand began to shake again and her breathing came out fast, it seemed as though she just could not get enough air.
"Come on, hand!" She whispered, suddenly the thought of running away went dashing through her mind, but then she imagined how much more trouble she could be in if she did that.
She inwardly chastised herself "Why do you do bad stuff? If only you were good you wouldn't be here!" And another thought intruded on her already terrified mind; what if the Master was watching her right now? (They told her that he was always watching.) What if he was watching the clock and timing her, and the more time she took the worse her punishment would be. She knocked, "Come in!"
The little girl was so startled by the instant reply that she found herself on the other side of the office before she even realized she was running. "No!" She stopped herself and turned back around "What you get is what you deserve!" She told herself as she always did when facing punishment. She marched back up to the door, put her hand on the handle and pushed it open.
As she entered the Masters office it took her eyes a moment to adjust to the light, this office seemed to have much brighter lights than any other office she'd ever been in, usually they were dark and dusty.
"Well, hello! Take a seat!" A kind voice came from behind the desk. The poor girl nearly jumped out of her skin. She looked about suspiciously, she was looking for... anything! A man in a mask to leap from anywhere and grab her and tie her to a chair or something. Her imagination was going wild! Nothing happened, and she knew that the Master must be trying to trick her with that kind voice; it wasn't something she'd never experienced before. Still what could she do?
She sat in a very large cushioned chair. Her eyes kept darting everywhere, everywhere except that man behind the desk. The little girl knew that if her eyes met his, he would surely know everything bad she'd ever done.
"Do you know why I called you here?"
The little girl hung her head, "here it comes." She thought. She stared hard at her hands. "No sir." She mumbled.
"You don't?" He sounded slightly surprised.
Something snapped inside and the little girl burst into tears, the pressure was just too much. "I'm sorry!" She cried "I want to be good! Really I do! I want to obey and I try so hard! I don't know what's wrong with me! I'm just bad and I make so many mistakes! But I'll take whatever punishment you give me; anything! I'm so sorry!"
The man was silent while the little girl made herself into a ball and her whole body shook with her sobs. Finally her tears subsided as she noticed that nothing was happening. There were many long moments of silence.
Then the little girl heard a sniff, and then another, she looked up in amazement, the man behind the desk; the Master was crying!
"I didn't bring you here to punish you," he spoke softly, "I brought you here to tell you that I'm proud of you, I've been watching you a long time, I've seen you stop yourself from doing wrong so many times. I've seen you turn yourself in for the bad things you've done. You have a good heart. All I wanted was to get to know you, to tell you that I love you, I'm proud of you and I want to adopt you and make you my daughter."
The girl stared in shock, she couldn't believe what she was hearing. "No!" She cried "That's not what I deserve!" She covered her ears and shook her head.
The Master got up and knelt in front her chair, he gently removed her hands from her ears, he held her gaze with his and he wiped her tears with his hand. "I don't care what you deserve; this is what I want to give you." He gathered her in his arms and held her as she wept, rocking her and whispering away all the lies in her head with his truth.
The little girl expected to leave the Masters office that day feeling even more ashamed than before, but instead she left that day with a Father and a whole new life to begin living with Him.

Never, never, never give up!

"How did I get here?" I often ask myself this question, but often times a better question to ask is "How do I get out?" This past week has been one of those weeks.
In my mind I can see a little red sniper laser, pointed at my forehead. I try ducking, dodging, putting my hand in front of it, glaring in any direction that I think the sniper may be in. Telling him to back off and leave me alone! Still it's almost as if I can feel that laser.
I realize that I am a target for the enemy, why shouldn't I be? I'm a prayer warrior, I'm a daughter of the King, I'm speaking into peoples' lives. I'm chosen, called, appointed and annointed, the enemy would love to be able to take me out. I'm an armor bearer, I hold up the arms of my leaders and I keep my eyes wide open, I would take a bullet for them. If the enemy can't take out my leader then his next favorite thing in the world would be to take me out and so hurt my leader.
Still it seems that he would've shot me already, this laser dot has been here a long time, unless, hmmm. Unless the little red laser is nothing more than a scare tactic. The enemy only has the power over me that I give him. If I am not intimidated by his stupid little red sniper laser then I will never get sniped. Well that was simple!
The truth is, the devil only attacks those he knows are a threat, and I'm proud to say that I AM a threat. I am doing things that the enemy hates! There is a whiteboard in hell with my name on it but that doesn't scare me! I have a greater force on my side.
If God is for me, who can be against me? No weapon formed against me shall prosper!
Come ON! This is God I'm talking about! He created me! He loves me! He is so big, bigger than any giant I've ever or will ever face. There is nothing that is too difficult for me when God is on my side. And God is on my side, or rather I am on His. He's my Father and together we still walk hand in hand. He guides me through it all. He loves me too much.
Now what? Ignore the little sniper dot? No, but run to the Lord and find my refuge and my safety living in His arms. I run into His gates by giving thanks in every little thing. I know that He hides me under the shadow of His wings. He holds me in His arms. I don't have to fight this alone.
The picture is of a baby bear, in his curious wanderings he happens across a mountain lion, so much bigger than him, that wants to eat him as a snack. The baby bear stands and roars at his foe, a small and silly roar, but the mountain lion turns tail and runs as if scared of dying. Then the baby bear, feeling quite proud of himself turns around and sees that his Mama was standing behind him the whole time and that is why the mountain lion ran. This is just like me. So I'm gonna stand confident and roar at the enemy. It's not me, it's Christ in me. I CAN do all things through Him who gives me strength.
And I just preached myself happy!

The cry

Come closer, closer to me!
I am broken, I am bleeding, I’ve been this way for far too long. I need more now than just words, fairy tales, a God who lives in a book. I need someone real. I want to touch you, I want to hold your hand, I want to hear you. Let me hear you. I see me lying on the ground broken, missing something. Won’t you come and make me whole? I need more than philosophy and some God in outer space I need someone real I can feel. Someone who is more than just words in a book. Words, words, words, I’m so sick of words, if I begged you would you come? Because I am, I’m begging you. I need you. I need your wisdom. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what you want me to do! This is my cry, my scream of pain and desperation. With my last breath I’ll shout “Son of David, Don’t pass me by!” I don’t care who tells me to be quiet, to stop yelling, to stop crying, to stop mourning, to quit, I don’t care who tells me that it’s not gonna work. I won’t give up until I see you until I know you, until we’re closer to each other. I know it will work. I know you, God. You can’t resist my cry to you! You’re not silent, you love me, and when you see me struggling and crying out to you, you run to me. I know you. I don’t care who anyone else says you are. I know who you are! You’re a good Father.

Very real and raw...

I don't know when I wrote this, but I found it today and really liked it so I decided to post it here. Hopefully it will mean something to someone out there.

Unsure…

You look at me and I look away. I’m supposed to be better by now, after all I’ve been walking with the Lord a long time; I aught to be totally free! And I’m an adult, so why do I suddenly feel so much like a child? I’ve been brave for such a long time but suddenly I can’t anymore, I don’t know how anymore.

I’ve become that little girl again; afraid of the dark, afraid of sleeping because all the monsters come out when I sleep. I can tell no one, because I’m supposed to be strong! I’m supposed to be brave. I’m like a great explorer, but what if they all knew that their brave explorer was terrified? What if they knew that she cried herself to sleep after being so happy all day? And what if they knew that she kept the lights on all night after pretending to be tough all day? You told me I was small and I objected; I acted tough, I really just wanted to hide how small I know I am. As I look at this great darkness in front of me, it is my Goliath, but I am no David!

Still what can I do? What can I say? There is a verse in the Bible that says “You will not fear the terror of the night, nor the arrow that flies by day.” This is truth, and all the rest of this, it isn’t truth; it’s all lies! As I look at this great darkness in front of me and I feel my legs begin to give under its great weight, but I know that I can hide under the shadow of the Almighty’s wings; I know that He is my protector and everything will be alright.

And my Savior comes to me “God, I’m sorry" I say "I’m trying not to feel this way! What is going on with me? I don’t understand this time! I’m trying to trust you, and I am, it’s just that everything hurts right now, why am I going through hell when all I want is to be close to you?” He puts His finger to his lips, “Shhhh… don’t focus on the problems, focus on me, and I’ll focus on the problems.” I sit down and stop fighting, stop trying to understand and just sit; I rest. He takes me back to the place, the first time I ever felt unprotected “No please, not there!” I don’t even remember that time, but He does. “I was there!” is all He says. He holds me now.

The daisy game

A little girl sits in a field of daisies, her nearly white blonde hair is wisped by the wind, on her skirt lie half a dozen daisies, all with their petals ripped off.
“little girl, why are you crying?” her tears leave large dark drop marks on her skirt. She raises her eyes; so blue they match the sky, “They all say the same thing.” And she weeps.
“For whom are you tearing the petals from these daisies?” “For my Daddy, I want to know, but they all say he doesn’t!” I hold back a smile, “Oh little girl, why don’t you ask your Daddy himself if he loves you? What do these simple flowers know of love?”
A glimmer of hope flickers in the small child’s eyes, but quickly dies “I can’t, you see, I don’t know my Daddy, I’ve never seen him.”
Holding back tears, I have nothing to say, I wonder what will become of this little one and I wish I could make it all turn out right.
Two youths sit in a field of daisies, the boy places a flower in the girls hand and smiles, the girl gazes at the daisy, its reflection dancing in her clear blue eyes. She looks up at the boy and smiles in return, then one by one she begins to tear each petal off the flower until she reaches the last petal.
Both youths faces fall, “Forget it.” The boy says. He snatches the petal from her hand and throws it away, he gives her a new one and she sets to ripping it apart as well. “Forget it.” The boy says again and throws the flower down. “They all say the same thing.” The girl whispers as she blinks back a tear.
She reaches for another, “Forget it!” says the boy and he grabs her hand, “No daisy is gonna make up my mind for me, I already know, and I’ll prove it to you.” The two draw close to one another.
A lone young woman sits in the middle of a field of daisies. She raises her head to the sky, “Why?” She looks down at her lap, covered in the destroyed flowers.
“Child, why do you cry?” She lifts a damaged flower between her slender fingers, “They all say the same thing!” “For whom do you now tear petals off of flowers?” “For someone; for anyone, anyone at all!” She hardens her face and wipes away her tears, “I’m finished.” She says, and rises to her feet.
“Wait.” She stops and turns, listening, will I tell her anything she hasn’t heard before? “I know it looks like no one loves you, and like these flowers were your only hope and they all turned up false and empty, your father whom you never met, all the youths who have used and abused and then left you, and now, now you feel there is no one…”
I falter, as I look at this girl, her blue eyes now dull without life in them, her once lively features now sharp and hardened, she’s seen it all, she’s heard it all. She doesn’t hope anymore, she simply waits and takes whatever life throws her way.
I begin again, “There was a flower once in this field, it was planted by someone very good and kind. He planted it and watched it grow, and was so excited for it, but when it grew it looked at itself and wondered if it was good enough. He told it that he loved it and that it was good enough for him. But it wanted to know if anyone else would love it. It turned and asked everyone around it, they all said yes, of course they loved it. But one day one of them became angry and took a petal off the flower, then left. After that the flower became a target and everyone around it left it one by one taking a piece of it with them, until the flower had but one petal left. Then the one who planted it came to it and said “I told you I loved you, all these others don’t really even matter, I’m the one who planted you. My opinion is the only one that matters and I love you still.” The flower looked at herself and cried “but look at me, how can you love me know, I’m a damaged flower, I’ve lost so much!” “Ah” said the planter, “But I can put the petals back on you that the world has torn off.”
“Child, the flower is you, you tried so hard to earn love from others by doing anything and everything you knew how to do, but it didn’t work, it only tore you to pieces. Well I want to introduce you to the one that can put you back together again, the one that can make you whole. He is in the business of restoring petals to the flowers that have lost theirs. “
She kneels on the ground and fingers a daisy thoughtfully, now she looks up, hopeful once again “Show me this man.”

The Princess's Heart- Part 5

"I've got to fix this!" Day thought, she reached down and tried to scoop up all the little glass shards on the flagstones. She winced as pieces got caught in her fingers and it seemed as if in its brokenness the little heart was making one last desperate attempt to get back at her for not protecting it. She pulled her hands away from it with a cry of pain and surveyed the wreckage it had worked on them. "Oh it's no use!" She cried. But looking at the pieces as they glittered in the sun, she thought at least she could give it one more chance. She carefully picked up one tiny fragment with two fingers of one hand, wincing as it cut her fingertips, and then placing that piece into the palm of her other hand, she found it to have become attached to her two fingers and as if it did not to want to let go. She shook her fingers and finally she scraped it off onto the palm of her other hand where it cut there too. She let out a cry of exasperation and flung the shard away from herself.
The King found her there. Sitting alone in the middle of the garden, weeping over her shattered gift. When she became aware of his presence as his shadow fell on her from behind, she started and leaped to her feet, turning toward him, and wiping the tears away quickly with her arm. She stepped away from the broken glass on the ground as she did so, hiding them from him behind herself.
She put her hands behind her back and looked down, afraid to meet her Fathers gaze, afraid of seeing his disappointment in her.
The King knelt and came to eye level with his daughter, "Day, what's wrong? I haven't seen you in so long, and I've missed you so. Do you want to talk again?"
She reached up to cover her face with her hands as tears threatened to come again and the King caught her hands in his.
"Dearest Day, what has happened to your lovely hands?" Her father asked her ever so gently.
She couldn't hold it back anymore, "I'm sorry! You gave it to me and I broke it!" She stepped aside and pointed to the shattered glass on the flagstone pathway, "I tried to pick it up and maybe fix it, but I couldn't even pick it up! I can't do anything right anymore! I cant, I cant, I cant... breath!" Her whole body was racked with sobs as the King caught her up in his arms. He rocked her gently and let her cry, stroking her hair and holding her tightly. He never wanted to let her go, and she wondered as she wept in his arms why she had ever stopped coming to him. This was her Father, and He was good, He loved her, really truly loved her, it wasn't pretend. He would never play games with her heart.
"Princess." He whispered softly, when her cries had calmed somewhat, "What do you say we go make you a new heart?"
She sniffled, "B-but how?" She asked.
The King set her down gently, he knelt by the broken pieces and began to scoop them up into his hands, "No!" Cried the Princess, "You're hurting yourself! It will cut you too!" Her father looked at her, "Day," He said with a patient smile, "You will understand in time; nothing could ever hurt me more than losing your heart, I would endure any pain to get it back again."
The princess burst into tears again as she watched him gather up all the broken shards of her heart and hold them in his hand, ignoring the pain it caused him. Then he turned to her again and picked her up and together they went to the furnace where he had first created the little glass heart for his daughter.
"Where are we going?" she asked.
"We're going to my furnace, to make your heart whole again, precious daughter."

The Princess's Heart - part 4

Day woke early the following morning. She was eager to find out if Gavin would protect her heart the way her Father once had and she rushed out into the garden as soon as the sun was high enough in the sky. She couldn't wait to see him.
Day was surprised upon approaching the garden to find that that same older boy who had been so rude to them both before was standing and conversing with Gavin, she wondered why the two would even be talking, since she knew Gavin didn't like the older boy, and the older boy had made it quite clear that he didn't like children.
She felt a sudden panic seize her as she saw that they were leaning over something which the older boy held in his hand. It was her heart!
"Hey!" She cried rushing toward the older boy, "Give that back!"
The older boy shoved her away rather rudely, "It isn't yours, you gave it to Gavin, and now Gavin is giving it to me."
Her heart pounded and she felt she might cry, "He can't do that!" She cried, her voice seemed so squeaky and terrified to her. "It's mine!" Tears began to well up in her eyes.
The older boy had a mean look in his eyes, "If it's yours, catch it!" He said and hurled it into the air.
Day screamed and jumped forward squinting up into the sun, she could barely see it for a second and raised her arms to find it, but at the last second another set of hands appeared and snatched it before it could reach her. She turned in surprise to see that Gavin was now holding her heart. She rushed toward him, "Please Gavin, cant I have it back?" she said shakily.
Gavin laughed, "Oh come on Day, let us have a little fun, you'll be alright!" He then tossed it to the older boy who caught it well.
Day turned from Gavin and ran to the older boy, but right before she reached him he tossed it to Gavin again.
"I tell you what, you catch it, you can have it!" Said the older boy as Gavin caught the heart and Day turned to run toward him.
Her breathing was becoming rapid and she felt that this was not a nice game at all as she ran back and forth about to burst into tears at any second.
Finally she leaped into the air and put her hand up and felt for an instant the cold little heart hit her palm, but her hand did not close quick enough and she fumbled it with her other hand as well, and her little heart was stopped in mid-flight and fell to the cobblestone pathway at her feet with a pathetic sounding little crunch.
"No!" She wailed and dropped to her knees in the pathway next to a thousand tiny shards of glass. She burst into tears, "Now look what you've done!" She sobbed.
"You're the one who dropped it, not us!" Said the older boy, and he turned and ran away.
Gavin rushed up to her, "Day, I- I'm sorry, I didn't mean anything by it! I just was playing, I'm sorry..."
She didn't answer and Gavin turned and left her alone with the broken pieces of her heart

The Princess's Heart- Part 3

Day's life from then on became a less exciting one than ever before. She no longer went and saw her Father every night, and although he knocked at her door every night and asked her how she was she could not convince herself that she aught to go see him.
She reasoned that it could be that He was angry with her for staying away so long. She didn't even want to think about that, let alone face it. It seemed as though the entire world had become a dreary place and every morning when she woke she felt that it would have been better had she not.
Day had lost all joy in life.
But one morning as she was getting ready to go on a walk in the gardens she spotted the wrapped heart sitting on top of her dresser. She unwrapped it with trembling hands, and as she looked at it she felt a pang of regret thinking of that wonderful night when her Father has presented it to her.
"The best I can do is wear it." She said to herself, and she hung it by it's ribbon round her neck, then out into the garden she headed.
Day was surprised to find that Gavin was in the garden as well, he looked rather bored as he tossed rocks aimlessly. "Good morning." She said as grown up sounding as she could. It took a lot of control for she wanted to run to him and kiss his cheek and tell him how she'd missed him and that she wanted so badly to play games again with him. But she didn't think he would care at all for such childishness.
He smiled at her, "I see you've listened to that dolt. I knew you would."
She frowned, "Well, he was right wasn't he? I haven't seen my Father in weeks and I wonder if this is the way it feels to be grown up; I feel so tired."
Gavin had a short attention span, and returned to throwing rocks. "I liked you better before, even if you were silly."
Day felt as though she had just been struck, she turned to go sadly. Then she remembered the heart around her neck and a strange impulse seized her. "Gavin," she said, "I have a gift for you."
She took the heart from where it rested on her chest and gave it to him. "You've always been such a wonderful friend, I want you to have this." She said and searched his eyes for any sign that she had given him pleasure.
Gavin looked long at the heart, for a moment she thought he looked amazed, then he shrugged, "Thanks" he said bluntly, "But it's too girly for me to wear, what am I supposed to do with it?"
Day remembered what her Father had done with the heart, "Well, I'm terribly clumsy you see, and I would like it if you would just take care of it, keep it safe, I'm always afraid I will damage it in some way."
She couldn't tell if he was pleased or displeased, her friend simply shrugged and placed the heart in his pocket. "I'll see you tomorrow." He said and left her standing alone.
Day frowned, wondering why she felt the way she did. Then she turned to go inside and saw her Father standing there looking at her, she couldn't tell what his expression meant, He almost seemed sad, but no, he couldn't be, he was probably angry. She wondered how long he had been watching her, and if he had seen her give the heart to Gavin. She couldn't tell why, but she hoped he had not.

The Princess's Heart - Part 2

The Princess Day had many playmates about the Kingdom and each day she was allowed to go even outside the pallace gates to play with them all. One of the children's name was Gavin. Gavin was the son of the Captain of the Guard, and he was very proud of his father. Often the two could be found together playing with sticks as though they were swords and laughing about anything they found funny. Aside from her Father, Day thought Gavin was her favorite person on earth.
Every night the Princess went to visit her Father and tell him all about the days adventures with Gavin and her other playmates.
One afternoon when Gavin and Day were dashing about the gardens imagining that they were fighting a ferocious dragon, an older boy came along. "Silly children, what are you doing? There's nothing there." He said sourly.
Day did not know the boy, but Gavin did and it was obvious right away that they were not the best of friends. "Who are you calling a child!" Said Gavin angrily. The older boy smiled smugly, "All you do is play childs games with the Princess all day long, when are you going to grow up?" He then looked at Day, "When are you both going to grow up?" He asked again, and Day felt suddenly uncomfortable under his stare.
"I, I am sort of grown up." She said quietly, the older boy laughed meanly "Prove it!" He said and stood waiting. The Princess frowned, "My Father says that I am growing." She said, and it sounded so small and pathetic to her now.
The boy threw his head back and laughed long and hard, then he snapped at her "Your Father doesn't know anything, he's trying to keep you a child forever and he doesn't even want you to grow up. He's the worst King we've ever had. And besides, grown ups don't need Fathers. I haven't listened to my Father in ages, and look how big I've become."
Day was mortified at the thought of ever not needing her Father. She turned and ran back into the Pallace. There she hid herself in the nearest closet and cried until she heard her friend Gavin calling for her. She called out to him and he came and opened the door to the closet. He stared down at her with an odd look on his face. "Maybe he's right." He said quietly. Then he turned and walked away.
That night Day did not go to visit her Father, and when He came knocking at her door to see if she was alright she called out that she was fine, just very tired this night. She listened as he left and she felt alone for the first time.
That next morning when her Father was tending to the business of the Kingdom, Day crept into his quarters and took her little glass heart in her hands. She carefully wrapped it in her kerchief and left with it.

The Princess's Heart- Part 1

It was a day of great celebration, love filled the air and every guest was in joyful spirits. They had come to celebrate the Princess Day's birthday. The Princess herself was arrayed in splendor as she danced every dance with her Father. Finally toward the end of the night, when the Princess was beginning to feel a very blissful sleepiness steal over her, and her Father seemed to sense it; He stood and drew the attention of all to himself.
"I would like make a speech." He announced. The entire room awaited in eager expectation, they always loved to hear what their King had to say.
"On this celebration of my daughters birth, and I want you all to know along with her, how proud I am of her." He turned and drew his daughter from her chair and stood for a moment gazing into her eyes. Tears welled up in his eyes "Dear one, Day, I am so proud of you. I will do anything to keep our relationship always as strong as it is now. I am proud to be your Father." He turned to the crowd "This is my beloved Daughter, Day, in whom I am well pleased!" He proclaimed, and the room erupted in applause.
The two left the guests to disperse and the King escorted his daughter to her bedroom. "Day," He stopped her before her door, and withdrew from the inside pocket of his jacket a very small wrapped bundle.
"This is your gift." His eyes were full of joy as she excitedly received it and unwrapped it with quick little fingers. Dropping the wrappings to the floor she carefully held in her hands a beautiful glass heart, dangling from a thin ribbon. So great was the hearts beauty that she could not stop looking at it. It was so simple and so fair, delicate to the point where she feared even her tiny hands might crush it, should she hold it too tightly.
The King beamed "Do you like it? I made it for you myself!" She carefully placed it on the sill beside her, and flung herself into her Fathers arms. "I love it Papa, it is my favorite thing I've ever seen or been given! I am afraid I will crush it!" The King laughed and then nodded seriously, "would you like for me to keep it safe for you?"
She nodded and he continued "you may look at it any time you like."
And it was off to bed with the happy little princess.
Day went often to the Kings chambers to gaze on her little glass heart. She loved it and she loved even more to spend time with her Father and talk to him about everything she could think of.

After a day of struggle; a little encouragement in the end goes a long way.

"There, peeping among the cloud-wrack above a dark tor high up in the mountains, Sam saw a white star twinkle for a while. The beauty of it smote his heart, as he looked up out of the forsaken, and hope returned to him. For, like a shaft, clear and cold, the thought pierced him that in the end the Shadow was only a small and passing thing: there was light and high beauty for ever beyond its reach. His song in the tower had been defiance rather than hope; for then he was thinking of himself. Now, for a moment, his own fate, and even his master’s, ceised to trouble him. He crawled back into the brambles and laid himself by Frodo’s side, and putting away all fear he cast himself into a deep untroubled sleep."
-J.R.R. Tolkien’s, The Return of the King.
This is quite possibly the most inspirational part of this entire book to me. I love the hope and the poetry that is in this piece. I love the truths that there are some things that can't be tainted by evil, that the Shadow really is a passing thing, and that I can for a moment cease to think of my own fate and worries when I look at the stars in the sky. And I can, like Sam put away all fear and cast myself into a deep untroubled sleep.
Good night.

When I want to cry I'll let you know

Recently I'm realizing again how I dislike goodbyes. Goodbyes are always the hardest thing for me. Every goodbye I say is like I'm saying them all over again. Even if it's goodbye for a little while, I can't seem to convince myself of that. I just love people so whole heartedly that by the time they leave it's as if they've become a piece of me.
Often times, when someone very close to me is going to leave and the date of their departure draws nearer I find myself suddenly drawing farther away from them, even to the point of finding fault with them at times. It's as if I think that it won't hurt me to say goodbye quite as much if I just don't know them as well. But I guess that's a little silly; I already know them and I can't un-know them now; it's too late for that!
So then I wish I could know ahead of time where my friends are going in life, so then I would be able to figure out if I really want to be friends with them based off of when they are leaving, and how long they'll be gone.
But then I suppose that if I knew ahead of time I would end up with only one or two friends (and that's generous!), simply because I'm afraid of the hurt of a goodbye.
They say that if you're facing a choice that you aught to do the one you are most afraid of doing. In this case, that would be loving again, making a new friend, giving my heart once more.
Only I've given my heart; again and again. And I've said goodbye; again and again. I can only hope that my tears are watering a seed that will one day grow into a magnificent tree, one that others can come to and rest and take refuge under. I'm going through the things I'm going through in order to become who I need to become, so that I can go where I need to go and reach who I need to reach.
Really, even though my friends may all at different points leave me and go one way or another (wherever their journey takes them) and even if I have to say goodbye to a hundred more; it's worth it. Not even just for now, but in the future as well. Just think how many different connections I could have one day! Friends in the army, friends in the government, friends in the media, friends in business, friends in law, friends in the medical field, friends all over the world and in all sorts of different occupations! And I'll still know them, even if I haven't seen them for years we'll still have some sort of bonding point from our past.
Perhaps todays "Goodbye" is actually an opportunity for a "Hello again!" That doesn't mean I like it, and that doesn't take away the hurt; but it is a little bit of hope for the future, and a little comfort in pain.
Just some thoughts.

floor drops out

It's been a while since I've tried writing anything really. Suddenly I'm finding that people are urging me to write. I had a friend give me $50.00 to write, because she believes that I have a gift. I had my second Dad give me his old lap top, because he believes that I have a gift. I guess my fear is that I don't really have a gift, but that it's all in my head, that I can't really write, and that when I do finally write something, they'll realize that they were wrong to believe in me.
Others believe more strongly in my gift than I do. God help me to see this through your eyes, if you've given me a gift truly, help me to use it to your glory, and I know it's not all about pleasing men, but I really don't want to disappoint, especially those who have invested in me so much. I guess this is one of those things where I can't trust myself and my own ability, I need to trust God in me.

when all else fails

Have you ever spent a day just failing? Waking late, taking someone else's shower time, not using a coaster, eating your breakfast in the living room, being late for your bus, making every mistake possible at work, and finally coming home just weary and dragged out. Sometimes I am so overwhelmed by my failures that I can't even stand to be me, and this was such a day.
As I left the house this morning a sinister voice whispered in my ear "call yourself a daughter!" and that was when the day was thrown into a reeling orbit of mistakes, as I watched everything I touch turn to dust I wondered what in the world it was all for.
Finally on my way home I was suffocating with the voices of condemnation and failure ringing in my ears, I felt my shoulders drooping and realized I was hanging my head in shame. In a last desperate attempt I picked up my ipod and pushed shuffle, praying that the first song would be what I needed. It wasn't, it didn't surprise me, nothing else had worked out this day, so why on earth should that?
When I got off the bus however something changed, some familiar fight kicked in as a silly song called "Who's Who" by Rick Pino came on. The lyrics of the song are as follows;
"Stick your tongue out like when you were a child
Stick your tongue out like when you were a child cause it's rainin'
Oh it's rainin!

Stop tryin' to be the next who's who,
and only try to be the next you!

He loves me like I am!
He loves me like I am!
He loves me like I am!
He loves me like I am!"

It keeps going after that but that was where my fight kicked in. It hit me that wether I'd made a million mistakes that day, or only one, He really does love me like I am, and I declared this at the top of my lungs. I yelled out these words in defiance at the mean voices that had been condemning me all day.
I realized that when all else fails, there is still love, "love never fails" 1 Cor 13.
He loves me like I am. That's really all that matters isn't it?

Fasting

Tomorrow marks the beginning of our week long church fast. I'm going to be fasting on only water and tea, this includes honey and lemon juice. Also at the end of the day I may have a glass of juice, if I feel I'm going to die.
There are a number of things going into this fast that I'm nervous about. We will be having prayer meetings every night and I will be surrounded by others who are fasting all week long, the parts I'm nervous about are work, especially saturday when I will be unable to go to the prayer meeting due to working. Help me Jesus. There is something about those prayer meetings that gives me the same energy as I would expect from a steak or a cup of coffee. I guess it's just the supernatural grace of God, as we worship Him and pray we mount up on wings as eagles.
It will be interesting to see how well I can take care of an energetic little boy, and how well I can think when dealing with confusing insurance stuff, or crazy number crunching. Still this is the Lords fast, and I think He knows how much I can handle, He will grace me with the ability to do it.
So even though I'm afraid I'm going to die, I will trust Him, that this is good.
Really I'm excited for this fast, I've been needing to get away from the computer, away from the TV and Movies, and really get right and close to God again.
These are my personal goals for this fast:
An increase in my intimacy with Him
Clear direction in my life
Deeper levels of trust and growth
A stronger prayer life
My family; healing and reconciliation, and deeper relationships with the Lord.
Also that I would learn to overflow with God's love unto others.

For now, that's it. I'll see you in a week. Pray for me that I am not weak but strong and don't give up on the fast that the Lord has given me this year.