On my way home from a ten year absence I had many questions going through my head while on my eight hour flight. I pondered wether this place I grew up in was still home, I wondered what it would be like to come back. I wondered how different my sisters and brothers would all be. I wondered if it would be awkward to get to know them all again. I wondered if my Mother would have me still, I worried that they might not. I didn't know how long I would stay, and I was confused as to why I was coming back in the first place. I hadn't left on good terms, not in the slightest, and now I had finally come to the realization that the wrong doing was all mine. I was to blame for my absence. I had let my offense get in the way of all relationship with my family, I cut them off.
Until now, I sighed, when no amount of pleading from my younger siblings had compelled me to return, death had. It was true, I was suspicious at first and called a few family friends to confirm that it was not some plot to get me to come home. Too many people told me that it was all true. My Father had died two days ago.
My heart gave a twinge of pain and regret when I thought of all the things I'd said to him. I blamed him for everything, while the only thing he could truthfully be blamed for was a love unconditional for his children. I hated myself for the way I had treated him. Dear Father, I never told you that I love you, I never told you that I appreciated you. I returned all your letters unopened and I blocked your phone calls. I was too selfish to see anyone besides my own self, and for that I am sorry. I was wrong. So wrong.
Still old habits die hard and I rose in defense for myself after having these thoughts. I told myself that I was going to go in strong, and cold. I'd take a cab from the airport to my hotel and I wouldn't tell anyone I'd arrived. I would show up at the funeral and say hi to them only when they said hi to me. I would keep things brief and business like. Get in, pay my respects and get out. I wasn't going to tell them where I was staying. I'd rent a car and receive no help from anyone. I'd go back to my hotel afterwards and be proud of the way I'd looked in front of them all. Still brave and independent to the very end. And then... and then I'd cry myself to sleep in a bed not my own, longing for family, longing for friends, wishing I hadn't thrown it all away, wishing I could only get it back. Get him back.
I glanced at the Soldier sitting next to me. He sat straight and wore a serious expression. I wondered where he'd come from, and how long he'd been gone. I wondered what sort of reception awaited him.
As if reading my thoughts the man glanced at me and smiled, he introduced himself and I introduced myself and then he asked me what I did for a living. "I'm a lawyer. For a senator." I answered rather smug, I was very proud of the way I'd taken care of myself. I'd amounted to something. While those country bumpkin parents of mine had both dropped out of college, I had gone to law school and grad school and had shown myself to be better than them. I had always resented that they were nobodies, so I determined that I should be somebody. And I was somebody alright. After my divorce I'd changed my name so now no one else in world shared the same last name as me. I was my own person. All on my own.
I asked the Soldier how long he'd been gone and where he was coming from and he told me that he'd been in Iraq for the past eight and a half months, his wife was having a baby and he was coming home to be with her for the birth, then he'd have to leave again, back to the front. Tears filled his eyes as he spoke and I realized that there were still a few decent men who loved their wives in this world.
"Good luck" I wished him, and as we started our descent I drifted back into my dark revery.
Later as I waited for my taxi I saw the Soldier again, he stood at the curb awaiting his ride. As I watched, a car pulled up, it had barely come to a stop when the door of the passenger side was flung open and very pregnant girl flew out of it with a rather inhuman sort of cry. She held him and he held her as she wept and he wept as well. Watching them I could not help but think, it had only been eight and a half months of separation for the two of them. And I had not seen my family in ten years.
I began to cry as well as I watched them, their relationship was so sweet. She touched his face and asked him what had happened to him, told him how he seemed so old, so hardened, was he sick, she wondered aloud through her tears. He held her and kissed her, "If I'm sick than you have made me well, you and the little one." he bent and kissed her stomach.
I realized that I could not wish this man anymore happiness than he already had; rather I needed him to wish it to me.
I stepped into my taxi as I blinked back my tears. "Where to Miss? Do you have a hotel yet?"
"Yes, I mean no, I mean. I don't want to go to my hotel." I delved deep into my memory and found the address I'd been taught to memorize early in my childhood. "Take me there" I said, "Take me home."
Friday, December 31, 2010
Sunday, December 26, 2010
Sometimes I wish I were the Tin Man!
Dear Mr. Tin Man,
So you want a heart? Well I'm afraid you have been misinformed about these little organs so I'd like to set you right. I feel it only my duty as no one else seems to want to tell you. I envy you your heartless condition, you have no idea what is like to feel like your chest is being torn into, and there are levels of pain that you've never had to endure and for that I envy you.
The first thing you aught to know about hearts is that they are fickle. One day you may absolutely adore someone, and the next you may want to strangle that same someone. It usually is based off of something that person may have said or done, but regardless of others, you have to make choices that go completely against your hearts desires. What role does the heart play in this process? It clings with all its might to the pain of having been wronged, while you try again and again to throw off that same pain. This will create a sort of tug-o-war game that can only end when you've finally made your heart give up after who knows how many efforts, or after your heart has won. If your heart should win I also pity you, because when the heart wins this tug-o-war game it wraps itself in a blanket called bitterness which makes it stronger, and the next battle will be that much harder for you to win.
The next thing you need to know about hearts is that it has a will of its own. One day I realized that I liked someone, maybe even loved someone, I knew that this was an inconvenient time for me to like anyone. And regardless of that the person who made my heart beat faster was the most inconvenient person I could possibly have liked. While I would give every effort to looking good on the outside hoping that the inside would eventually follow suit, this person was one who would give every effort to looking bad while still being good under that exterior. Not to mention that person was in love with someone else; the girl with the perfect everything. She was also the opposite of me in every way and I never blamed him for loving her. So I set out to reason with my heart "It's no good!" my heart shouted from behind a closed door, "I love him, and nothing you say will ever convince me otherwise!" I pounded on the door, "Please, Heart, don't do this to me, we'll only end up hurt, I know! You'll end up hurting the worst and every time you hurt, I hurt. So please, you have to give him up! Let him go! Even if he were the one, this is not the time!" But my heart is obstinate in every way. And it wouldn't even give me the time of day when I brought up the subject. It became a full fledged feud between me and my heart. You've no idea how many times I've wondered "Would it be better to just cut the thing out and throw it away?" This is a war I've yet to win, though I battle every day.
Another thing about hearts that you should know is that they won't say goodbye. It goes against every characteristic of the heart to say goodbye. In a lot of ways the heart is like bubble gum, it will stick to anyone and everyone that it wants to and you wont be able to get it out. When I say goodbye my heart says no. It clings to that person so tightly that when they leave it can only break because it doesn't stretch as far as they can go. If I were to imagine my heart durring those times I think it would look less like a heart and more like a dogs well worn chew toy.
There are a lot of other things that hearts do, including hurting, rebelling, breaking, going cold, going numb, and throwing themselves after every available gentleman (or in your case gentle woman.) But I would rather not get into these right now.
I feel I have given you enough to think about for one letter.
I do think I need to tell you one good thing about hearts though, so that you'll be able to make an unbiased choice. The heart, though we often fight and seldom agree on anything, and though it takes a life time to do, is a beautiful thing once given in submission. When a heart is truly given to a purpose greater than self there is no telling where you'll go together.
Another good thing about hearts is that they keep you alive. It's simple, but vital. I would be dead were it not for my heart.
So Mr. Tin Man, I conclude my letter to you. I've cautioned you to the best of my ability I feel. And you would do well to take all things into consideration. If you still decide that you want a heart, after knowing how much work it is to keep one, then I would not at all blame you, but I would encourage you to give your heart in submission. I have given mine to the creator of hearts, because I assumed He would know best how to handle a rebellious heart. I would recommend the same to you, give your heart to Him when you get it, and you'll be satisfied. You'll still have to fight it sometimes, as often as I've given my heart to Him it somehow ends up back in its place still. But I will spend my entire life if that is what it takes, giving my heart back to Him and hopefully one day it will be permanently His. He is the best guard of hearts, and the best trainer of hearts. He knows hearts far better than anyone else.
Yes, get a heart, for then you can truly live. But don't keep it or allow it to rule you, give it to the Creator of all Hearts, He knows what to do with it, He will teach you.
Signed,
Light
So you want a heart? Well I'm afraid you have been misinformed about these little organs so I'd like to set you right. I feel it only my duty as no one else seems to want to tell you. I envy you your heartless condition, you have no idea what is like to feel like your chest is being torn into, and there are levels of pain that you've never had to endure and for that I envy you.
The first thing you aught to know about hearts is that they are fickle. One day you may absolutely adore someone, and the next you may want to strangle that same someone. It usually is based off of something that person may have said or done, but regardless of others, you have to make choices that go completely against your hearts desires. What role does the heart play in this process? It clings with all its might to the pain of having been wronged, while you try again and again to throw off that same pain. This will create a sort of tug-o-war game that can only end when you've finally made your heart give up after who knows how many efforts, or after your heart has won. If your heart should win I also pity you, because when the heart wins this tug-o-war game it wraps itself in a blanket called bitterness which makes it stronger, and the next battle will be that much harder for you to win.
The next thing you need to know about hearts is that it has a will of its own. One day I realized that I liked someone, maybe even loved someone, I knew that this was an inconvenient time for me to like anyone. And regardless of that the person who made my heart beat faster was the most inconvenient person I could possibly have liked. While I would give every effort to looking good on the outside hoping that the inside would eventually follow suit, this person was one who would give every effort to looking bad while still being good under that exterior. Not to mention that person was in love with someone else; the girl with the perfect everything. She was also the opposite of me in every way and I never blamed him for loving her. So I set out to reason with my heart "It's no good!" my heart shouted from behind a closed door, "I love him, and nothing you say will ever convince me otherwise!" I pounded on the door, "Please, Heart, don't do this to me, we'll only end up hurt, I know! You'll end up hurting the worst and every time you hurt, I hurt. So please, you have to give him up! Let him go! Even if he were the one, this is not the time!" But my heart is obstinate in every way. And it wouldn't even give me the time of day when I brought up the subject. It became a full fledged feud between me and my heart. You've no idea how many times I've wondered "Would it be better to just cut the thing out and throw it away?" This is a war I've yet to win, though I battle every day.
Another thing about hearts that you should know is that they won't say goodbye. It goes against every characteristic of the heart to say goodbye. In a lot of ways the heart is like bubble gum, it will stick to anyone and everyone that it wants to and you wont be able to get it out. When I say goodbye my heart says no. It clings to that person so tightly that when they leave it can only break because it doesn't stretch as far as they can go. If I were to imagine my heart durring those times I think it would look less like a heart and more like a dogs well worn chew toy.
There are a lot of other things that hearts do, including hurting, rebelling, breaking, going cold, going numb, and throwing themselves after every available gentleman (or in your case gentle woman.) But I would rather not get into these right now.
I feel I have given you enough to think about for one letter.
I do think I need to tell you one good thing about hearts though, so that you'll be able to make an unbiased choice. The heart, though we often fight and seldom agree on anything, and though it takes a life time to do, is a beautiful thing once given in submission. When a heart is truly given to a purpose greater than self there is no telling where you'll go together.
Another good thing about hearts is that they keep you alive. It's simple, but vital. I would be dead were it not for my heart.
So Mr. Tin Man, I conclude my letter to you. I've cautioned you to the best of my ability I feel. And you would do well to take all things into consideration. If you still decide that you want a heart, after knowing how much work it is to keep one, then I would not at all blame you, but I would encourage you to give your heart in submission. I have given mine to the creator of hearts, because I assumed He would know best how to handle a rebellious heart. I would recommend the same to you, give your heart to Him when you get it, and you'll be satisfied. You'll still have to fight it sometimes, as often as I've given my heart to Him it somehow ends up back in its place still. But I will spend my entire life if that is what it takes, giving my heart back to Him and hopefully one day it will be permanently His. He is the best guard of hearts, and the best trainer of hearts. He knows hearts far better than anyone else.
Yes, get a heart, for then you can truly live. But don't keep it or allow it to rule you, give it to the Creator of all Hearts, He knows what to do with it, He will teach you.
Signed,
Light
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