I've been stuck on a certain theme in my relationship with the Lord lately. Adoption. I can't seem to stop thinking about the fact that the God of all the universe loved me and He adopted me. I didn't do anything to deserve it, and I can do nothing now to justify it. He did it just because He wanted to, because He admired and esteemed me and so He thought to Himself "I want her as my own daughter!" Then He reached down and pulled me out of my own muck and despair and called me His own.
Why???? I don't think I'll ever know.
Still if only I could get this revelation to go deep, I don't think I would have a problem with understanding my worth, and understanding my identity. I don't think that I would ever again struggle with insecurity or fear.
Father go deep, help me to grasp this love that you have taken hold of me for.
Saturday, June 11, 2011
Thursday, June 2, 2011
subconscious attack
In the past, my nightmares have been juvenile, filled with your typical monsters and witches, bears and snakes and spiders and tigers, even this random man in a yellow raincoat and detective hat who would shine a flashlight in my eyes. They were scary when I dreamed them but when I awoke I wondered why a flashlight was even scary. Perhaps nightmares grow up when we grow up, because they aren't like that any more. For the past two weeks I've been plagued in my sleep. I wake up feeling unhappy and frustrated and it's all I can do to drag myself to Jesus and tell Him all about it.
It started with a dream that I was on a bus talking to two small children, a brother and a sister. The girls name was Piper and the boys name was CannonHill. The little boy was telling me how unhappy he was that everyone made fun of his name, and that his Mommy didn't care. I hugged him and told him that he was a very special boy and I would be his friend. We came to their stop and one of them opened the door before the bus stopped. They both fell out and hit the road. They just lay there with their heads all smashed and I ran to make sure they were still alive. When I was satisfied that they were I told them to hold still and that I would call 911. It was all so realistic and awful. After I finished talking to the 911 dispatcher I turned and saw that Piper had vanished. I started looking for her and calling her name. I knew that she couldn't move herself so she must have been kidnapped. I happened upon a little trailer house and heard her crying inside. I burst in and could still hear her but it was as if she was inside the walls, I couldn't find her anywhere. Then a two foot tall bearded man came around the corner. So scary! He charged me and we fought, finally I pinned him down and yelled at him to tell me where she was. He said and a creepy little voice that he would never tell me but that if I let him go I could search the place. So I did and he ran off. I began searching, I called her name but I couldn't hear her anymore. I was panicking because I knew that she could die if she missed the ambulance. Then the little man returned and began shredding all the papers in his house with his name. I asked him again where she was and stressed to him the urgency of the situation. He laughed and said that I would never find her. I woke up freaking out.
A few nights later I dreamed that I was looking for something in my house in MI, a little girl was helping me. She ran into my parents room shouting "In here, in here, I saw it in here." and suddenly she vanished. I ran to the spot she'd vanished and looking down I saw a hole in the floor. In it were many things that I hadn't seen in a long time, mostly lost books. I got down on the floor and put my head through the hole and saw that there was a whole room under there with green shag carpet and stacks of things that had gone missing. Mostly I saw books, but there were some toys and clothes and socks and even a world globe. Then I saw that same little man from my other dream dashing about singing to himself how smart he was that he could steel everything and no one would ever find it. He was pretty pleased with the fact that he could even steal a little girl. I found out that he had hidden her in our old cistern, but there was no way I could get to it. Then I woke up.
Then a few nights later I dreamed that I was walking down a street and this guy called me ugly. I told him that I didn't care what he thought of me, and then I tried to kick him in the shin, it didn't work at all, it was as if there was a force field all about him that prevented me from even touching him. Then I turned and ran away and he started chasing me. I ran through a maze of cement rooms and doors. Finally I couldn't run anymore so I turned to hold the door shut to the room I'd entered. He burst through and grabbed me by the neck and then carried me away into another room where he killed me. After I died and he left me, and I went back out of that room and discovered that the last door I could have gone through before he'd caught me led into a huge church where there were cots lying everywhere. I laid down on one and a nurse came and asked me questions. Then I woke up feeling disgusting.
And last but not least, the night before last night I dreamed that I was going to rescue a four year old little boy from his abusive father. There was a man I was working with and together we were gathering clues to stand up against the father. It became apparent that the reason I knew about the abuse in the first place was because the man was also my father and the boy was my half brother. In our search for clues we discovered that the little boy had been crucified. We found a cross in the mans yard and I was so horrified that I started crying and hyperventilating and asking the man I was with how the child could even live through this. Then we decided we had enough evidence and we went to the father. We stepped up on his front porch and were surrounded by people with sabers pointing them at us. I woke up feeling sad.
So my question is why. Is there a reason for all these creepy and odd dreams? Do they mean anything? Or are they just warfare? If anyone has any sort of revelation on these dreams please let me know. Comment please. I want to know how to pray and I want to know what it is that is coming against me. Thanks!
It started with a dream that I was on a bus talking to two small children, a brother and a sister. The girls name was Piper and the boys name was CannonHill. The little boy was telling me how unhappy he was that everyone made fun of his name, and that his Mommy didn't care. I hugged him and told him that he was a very special boy and I would be his friend. We came to their stop and one of them opened the door before the bus stopped. They both fell out and hit the road. They just lay there with their heads all smashed and I ran to make sure they were still alive. When I was satisfied that they were I told them to hold still and that I would call 911. It was all so realistic and awful. After I finished talking to the 911 dispatcher I turned and saw that Piper had vanished. I started looking for her and calling her name. I knew that she couldn't move herself so she must have been kidnapped. I happened upon a little trailer house and heard her crying inside. I burst in and could still hear her but it was as if she was inside the walls, I couldn't find her anywhere. Then a two foot tall bearded man came around the corner. So scary! He charged me and we fought, finally I pinned him down and yelled at him to tell me where she was. He said and a creepy little voice that he would never tell me but that if I let him go I could search the place. So I did and he ran off. I began searching, I called her name but I couldn't hear her anymore. I was panicking because I knew that she could die if she missed the ambulance. Then the little man returned and began shredding all the papers in his house with his name. I asked him again where she was and stressed to him the urgency of the situation. He laughed and said that I would never find her. I woke up freaking out.
A few nights later I dreamed that I was looking for something in my house in MI, a little girl was helping me. She ran into my parents room shouting "In here, in here, I saw it in here." and suddenly she vanished. I ran to the spot she'd vanished and looking down I saw a hole in the floor. In it were many things that I hadn't seen in a long time, mostly lost books. I got down on the floor and put my head through the hole and saw that there was a whole room under there with green shag carpet and stacks of things that had gone missing. Mostly I saw books, but there were some toys and clothes and socks and even a world globe. Then I saw that same little man from my other dream dashing about singing to himself how smart he was that he could steel everything and no one would ever find it. He was pretty pleased with the fact that he could even steal a little girl. I found out that he had hidden her in our old cistern, but there was no way I could get to it. Then I woke up.
Then a few nights later I dreamed that I was walking down a street and this guy called me ugly. I told him that I didn't care what he thought of me, and then I tried to kick him in the shin, it didn't work at all, it was as if there was a force field all about him that prevented me from even touching him. Then I turned and ran away and he started chasing me. I ran through a maze of cement rooms and doors. Finally I couldn't run anymore so I turned to hold the door shut to the room I'd entered. He burst through and grabbed me by the neck and then carried me away into another room where he killed me. After I died and he left me, and I went back out of that room and discovered that the last door I could have gone through before he'd caught me led into a huge church where there were cots lying everywhere. I laid down on one and a nurse came and asked me questions. Then I woke up feeling disgusting.
And last but not least, the night before last night I dreamed that I was going to rescue a four year old little boy from his abusive father. There was a man I was working with and together we were gathering clues to stand up against the father. It became apparent that the reason I knew about the abuse in the first place was because the man was also my father and the boy was my half brother. In our search for clues we discovered that the little boy had been crucified. We found a cross in the mans yard and I was so horrified that I started crying and hyperventilating and asking the man I was with how the child could even live through this. Then we decided we had enough evidence and we went to the father. We stepped up on his front porch and were surrounded by people with sabers pointing them at us. I woke up feeling sad.
So my question is why. Is there a reason for all these creepy and odd dreams? Do they mean anything? Or are they just warfare? If anyone has any sort of revelation on these dreams please let me know. Comment please. I want to know how to pray and I want to know what it is that is coming against me. Thanks!
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