I'm going back to MI. I'm looking into living with my sister, starting college at LCC and getting into writing and social worker stuff. Strange. I never knew my life would change this quickly.
I'm kind of mixed emotions. One the one hand I'm thrilled to be close to my family and doing what the Lord is telling me to do, and getting my life started.
On the other hand it feels a lot like I'm going back to the beginning and back to square one. Like when I leave I'll lose everything that I ever gained here, from relationships to victories. But I know that can't be true.
I switch back and forth in between being excited to go be with my family, and in mourning because I have to say goodbye to so many here. Then sometimes I find myself in sheer panic because I don't know how to get everything that I need to get done, done in the next month.
Things I need to get done:
College stuff
Quitting job stuff
Relational clarity stuff
Saying goodbye
Figure out way home (drive vrs fly)
Figure out how to get all my stuff home (drive vrs ship)
Car stuff (my friend is offering me her old car, it's nice and would solve EVERYTHING)
Money stuff... bleh!
Financial aid for College
Wow.
God is the one who is calling me to this, and surely He will do it.
God... help?
Monday, July 25, 2011
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
In the Valley of Decision
In recent days I have found myself longing for home, for the fields and the trees and really just to be near to my family; those who will always love and accept me no matter what I do or say. No matter what I like or dislike. No matter how I dress or what I do with my hair. I find myself dreaming of living in an apartment with my sister Emily, and going to visit my family out in the country every Sunday. I find myself thinking of all their funny little passions and all their various idiosyncrasies. Stories of each of my siblings and of my parents are constantly parading their ways through my mind. They are all I can think about. Almost...
There is one other who I think about, and therein lies my plight. The one hesitation that I have to dropping everything and leaving is one that happens to many girls. A man. On my way home from MI just under a month ago I was dead set on leaving forever, I almost decided to miss my return flight. But now that's suddenly changed; I find myself being pursued, and sought out, someone is placing value on me and it's a wonderful thing to experience. I wonder if I left now would I still be pursued even to MI? He's a good man, I don't know yet if he's God's man, but I wonder. The more I talk to him the more I am amazed at his character and who he is. I've never met anyone like him. I find myself growing more fond and more filled with respect for him and more reluctant to leave here; the place where he is.
But he won't be here for long either, he's moving far away; in two to three months; and shall I move before him or shall I wait until after?
I guess that staying here altogether is no longer an option: If you'd asked me at the beginning of this year where I wanted to spend the rest of my life I would have said "Kirkland" without even thinking about it. I would have said that I wanted to go into the School of Prophetic Art here, and then College for Journalism and then work for the Seattle Times as a Journalist.
When or how all of that changed I really don't know; all I know is that I want to go back to MI now. Sure I still love it here, and I have a strange sense that I will come back one day.
At any rate I know I can't last until Thanksgiving here. I can't go through another Holiday without my family. But I don't know when to move.
Do I go in the end of August and say goodbye to a potential suitor? Or do I go later after having spent more time with him and gotten to know him a little better? Is he worth my putting off College for one more semester? Is he worth my possibly doing college online this semester?
Then there is of course this one haunting issue that I can not forget, no matter how badly I want to. A home. In the end of August I am expected to move out, and if I stayed any longer than that I would need to find a new place to live. It may not be as easy to get to work from that place either. But it would only be for a few months.
What should I do? God, what should I do?
I hear Him saying of the man "Give him a chance" I hear Him saying of my choice "Choose that which takes the most trust." But both take trust. Staying longer takes trust because I have to trust God for a place to live for a few months. Going takes trust because I have to give up him and trust God that if this is His man, he will pursue me, even to MI.
Honestly; now that I look at it, I can see which one will take the most trust. I know it's not the one that I want the most, but it will take a lot of trust. And now I think I know what to do.
There is one other who I think about, and therein lies my plight. The one hesitation that I have to dropping everything and leaving is one that happens to many girls. A man. On my way home from MI just under a month ago I was dead set on leaving forever, I almost decided to miss my return flight. But now that's suddenly changed; I find myself being pursued, and sought out, someone is placing value on me and it's a wonderful thing to experience. I wonder if I left now would I still be pursued even to MI? He's a good man, I don't know yet if he's God's man, but I wonder. The more I talk to him the more I am amazed at his character and who he is. I've never met anyone like him. I find myself growing more fond and more filled with respect for him and more reluctant to leave here; the place where he is.
But he won't be here for long either, he's moving far away; in two to three months; and shall I move before him or shall I wait until after?
I guess that staying here altogether is no longer an option: If you'd asked me at the beginning of this year where I wanted to spend the rest of my life I would have said "Kirkland" without even thinking about it. I would have said that I wanted to go into the School of Prophetic Art here, and then College for Journalism and then work for the Seattle Times as a Journalist.
When or how all of that changed I really don't know; all I know is that I want to go back to MI now. Sure I still love it here, and I have a strange sense that I will come back one day.
At any rate I know I can't last until Thanksgiving here. I can't go through another Holiday without my family. But I don't know when to move.
Do I go in the end of August and say goodbye to a potential suitor? Or do I go later after having spent more time with him and gotten to know him a little better? Is he worth my putting off College for one more semester? Is he worth my possibly doing college online this semester?
Then there is of course this one haunting issue that I can not forget, no matter how badly I want to. A home. In the end of August I am expected to move out, and if I stayed any longer than that I would need to find a new place to live. It may not be as easy to get to work from that place either. But it would only be for a few months.
What should I do? God, what should I do?
I hear Him saying of the man "Give him a chance" I hear Him saying of my choice "Choose that which takes the most trust." But both take trust. Staying longer takes trust because I have to trust God for a place to live for a few months. Going takes trust because I have to give up him and trust God that if this is His man, he will pursue me, even to MI.
Honestly; now that I look at it, I can see which one will take the most trust. I know it's not the one that I want the most, but it will take a lot of trust. And now I think I know what to do.
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
Uncle Tom's Cabin
"Of course, in a novel, people's hearts break, and they die, and that is the end of it; in a story this is very convenient. But in real life we do not die when all that makes life bright dies to us. There is a most busy and important round of eating, drinking, dressing, walking, visiting, buying, selling, talking, reading, and all that makes up what is commonly called living, yet to be gone through; this remained yet to Augustine." -pg 176, Uncle Toms Cabin.
Yes I can relate to this so well. Sometimes I think it might be nice to be able to die of a broken heart, sometimes I think that I will in fact do it. But it never happens. I go on living everyday, putting one foot in front of the other and leaving the past behind me. Forgetting is always the hardest part. I suppose if I were to simply die when I felt my heart was breaking than I would not have a chance to be the Overcomer that Jesus calls me to be.
Yes I can relate to this so well. Sometimes I think it might be nice to be able to die of a broken heart, sometimes I think that I will in fact do it. But it never happens. I go on living everyday, putting one foot in front of the other and leaving the past behind me. Forgetting is always the hardest part. I suppose if I were to simply die when I felt my heart was breaking than I would not have a chance to be the Overcomer that Jesus calls me to be.
Sunday, July 3, 2011
Learning...
Things I've learned (mostly the hard way) in the past few months:
Submission to authority is not only good; it's a self protective measure that will keep me out of a lot of trouble.
I don't want to marry a flirt.
I don't do so well in the city as I thought I did.
I love my family more than I ever dreamed I did.
I miss Michigan, of all places!
Waking up to birds chirping and the sun coming in my window is one of my favorite things in the world.
There is no one more important than Family.
I don't want my children to grow up not knowing their grandparents.
I don't ever want to become a vegetarian; no offense to them at all, it's just that I'm still not up to par in the iron count in my blood after a month of taking iron pills, and now I have to double my already high dosage; killer on the intestines, let me tell you!
I still need my Mom.
I still need my Dad.
I don't do so well being 2226+ miles away from my family.
The cost of living on ones own in Seattle is absurd.
------------------------
All this to say; my life may soon change drastically.
Submission to authority is not only good; it's a self protective measure that will keep me out of a lot of trouble.
I don't want to marry a flirt.
I don't do so well in the city as I thought I did.
I love my family more than I ever dreamed I did.
I miss Michigan, of all places!
Waking up to birds chirping and the sun coming in my window is one of my favorite things in the world.
There is no one more important than Family.
I don't want my children to grow up not knowing their grandparents.
I don't ever want to become a vegetarian; no offense to them at all, it's just that I'm still not up to par in the iron count in my blood after a month of taking iron pills, and now I have to double my already high dosage; killer on the intestines, let me tell you!
I still need my Mom.
I still need my Dad.
I don't do so well being 2226+ miles away from my family.
The cost of living on ones own in Seattle is absurd.
------------------------
All this to say; my life may soon change drastically.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)