Have you ever spent a day just failing? Waking late, taking someone else's shower time, not using a coaster, eating your breakfast in the living room, being late for your bus, making every mistake possible at work, and finally coming home just weary and dragged out. Sometimes I am so overwhelmed by my failures that I can't even stand to be me, and this was such a day.
As I left the house this morning a sinister voice whispered in my ear "call yourself a daughter!" and that was when the day was thrown into a reeling orbit of mistakes, as I watched everything I touch turn to dust I wondered what in the world it was all for.
Finally on my way home I was suffocating with the voices of condemnation and failure ringing in my ears, I felt my shoulders drooping and realized I was hanging my head in shame. In a last desperate attempt I picked up my ipod and pushed shuffle, praying that the first song would be what I needed. It wasn't, it didn't surprise me, nothing else had worked out this day, so why on earth should that?
When I got off the bus however something changed, some familiar fight kicked in as a silly song called "Who's Who" by Rick Pino came on. The lyrics of the song are as follows;
"Stick your tongue out like when you were a child
Stick your tongue out like when you were a child cause it's rainin'
Oh it's rainin!
Stop tryin' to be the next who's who,
and only try to be the next you!
He loves me like I am!
He loves me like I am!
He loves me like I am!
He loves me like I am!"
It keeps going after that but that was where my fight kicked in. It hit me that wether I'd made a million mistakes that day, or only one, He really does love me like I am, and I declared this at the top of my lungs. I yelled out these words in defiance at the mean voices that had been condemning me all day.
I realized that when all else fails, there is still love, "love never fails" 1 Cor 13.
He loves me like I am. That's really all that matters isn't it?
Monday, January 10, 2011
Sunday, January 2, 2011
Fasting
Tomorrow marks the beginning of our week long church fast. I'm going to be fasting on only water and tea, this includes honey and lemon juice. Also at the end of the day I may have a glass of juice, if I feel I'm going to die.
There are a number of things going into this fast that I'm nervous about. We will be having prayer meetings every night and I will be surrounded by others who are fasting all week long, the parts I'm nervous about are work, especially saturday when I will be unable to go to the prayer meeting due to working. Help me Jesus. There is something about those prayer meetings that gives me the same energy as I would expect from a steak or a cup of coffee. I guess it's just the supernatural grace of God, as we worship Him and pray we mount up on wings as eagles.
It will be interesting to see how well I can take care of an energetic little boy, and how well I can think when dealing with confusing insurance stuff, or crazy number crunching. Still this is the Lords fast, and I think He knows how much I can handle, He will grace me with the ability to do it.
So even though I'm afraid I'm going to die, I will trust Him, that this is good.
Really I'm excited for this fast, I've been needing to get away from the computer, away from the TV and Movies, and really get right and close to God again.
These are my personal goals for this fast:
An increase in my intimacy with Him
Clear direction in my life
Deeper levels of trust and growth
A stronger prayer life
My family; healing and reconciliation, and deeper relationships with the Lord.
Also that I would learn to overflow with God's love unto others.
For now, that's it. I'll see you in a week. Pray for me that I am not weak but strong and don't give up on the fast that the Lord has given me this year.
There are a number of things going into this fast that I'm nervous about. We will be having prayer meetings every night and I will be surrounded by others who are fasting all week long, the parts I'm nervous about are work, especially saturday when I will be unable to go to the prayer meeting due to working. Help me Jesus. There is something about those prayer meetings that gives me the same energy as I would expect from a steak or a cup of coffee. I guess it's just the supernatural grace of God, as we worship Him and pray we mount up on wings as eagles.
It will be interesting to see how well I can take care of an energetic little boy, and how well I can think when dealing with confusing insurance stuff, or crazy number crunching. Still this is the Lords fast, and I think He knows how much I can handle, He will grace me with the ability to do it.
So even though I'm afraid I'm going to die, I will trust Him, that this is good.
Really I'm excited for this fast, I've been needing to get away from the computer, away from the TV and Movies, and really get right and close to God again.
These are my personal goals for this fast:
An increase in my intimacy with Him
Clear direction in my life
Deeper levels of trust and growth
A stronger prayer life
My family; healing and reconciliation, and deeper relationships with the Lord.
Also that I would learn to overflow with God's love unto others.
For now, that's it. I'll see you in a week. Pray for me that I am not weak but strong and don't give up on the fast that the Lord has given me this year.
Saturday, January 1, 2011
Life is not fair
"That's not fair!" I cried in outrage when my sister got to go and I did not. "Life is not fair" was always my Mothers reply. I didn't get it back then, I didn't understand why it couldn't be, and I didn't understand why it was pointed out to me every single time.
Now I'm an adult and don't live with my parents anymore, but still my Mom's words echo in my mind. Every time I want to go where others are going and somehow it doesn't work out. Every time I see another living the dream that I've dreamed my whole life. Every time he smiles at her. Every time I wake up in a home not my own. Every time I watch another get credit for what I did. I cry and pout in my heart and shout to God when I'm alone, "That's NOT fair!" and I hear Him reply sounding much like my Moms voice "Life is not fair."
I'm finally beginning to understand; others may but I may not. No, I don't drink and it isn't always by my own choice, and yes, my friends do, and no it isn't fair, but it doesn't have to be fair. Every person is different so I guess everyone will get to do different things. Sometimes God tells me I can't do the things that my friends can do.
God help me to listen when you say no, and not to stomp my foot and cry and scream and throw a little baby fit. No, it isn't fair, but that's ok. It doesn't need to be fair, it needs to be you.
Maybe there's a reason for all the unfairness of life, maybe there's a reason I'm not married or in a relationship yet while a lot of my friends are heading that direction. There is something that I have to learn in the unfair times, and I can only pray that I won't be to dense or wrapped up in the unfairness of it all to understand the purpose behind it.
Perhaps it's that I'm still in school and every unfair thing is a test to see how I will react. Will I throw a fit to get my way? Or will I submit and obey, trusting that God know's best.
Now I'm an adult and don't live with my parents anymore, but still my Mom's words echo in my mind. Every time I want to go where others are going and somehow it doesn't work out. Every time I see another living the dream that I've dreamed my whole life. Every time he smiles at her. Every time I wake up in a home not my own. Every time I watch another get credit for what I did. I cry and pout in my heart and shout to God when I'm alone, "That's NOT fair!" and I hear Him reply sounding much like my Moms voice "Life is not fair."
I'm finally beginning to understand; others may but I may not. No, I don't drink and it isn't always by my own choice, and yes, my friends do, and no it isn't fair, but it doesn't have to be fair. Every person is different so I guess everyone will get to do different things. Sometimes God tells me I can't do the things that my friends can do.
God help me to listen when you say no, and not to stomp my foot and cry and scream and throw a little baby fit. No, it isn't fair, but that's ok. It doesn't need to be fair, it needs to be you.
Maybe there's a reason for all the unfairness of life, maybe there's a reason I'm not married or in a relationship yet while a lot of my friends are heading that direction. There is something that I have to learn in the unfair times, and I can only pray that I won't be to dense or wrapped up in the unfairness of it all to understand the purpose behind it.
Perhaps it's that I'm still in school and every unfair thing is a test to see how I will react. Will I throw a fit to get my way? Or will I submit and obey, trusting that God know's best.
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