I know I named this blog "Let my life speak" but there are times in life that I wish my life wouldn't speak at all.
This last weekend was one of those times.
Drunk. Sitting in my friends car as she drove me home from a new 21 year olds birthday party... yeah, that was me. I was apologizing to my friend for being so weird, and for having a panic attack.
My friend then said to me "I feel like we're a bad influence on you. You never used to swear, and now you do. You never used to drink and now you've been drunk three times. I feel bad."
Even in my half-brained state of consciousness I felt a stab of regret. I tried to explain to her that they weren't the bad influence, but that my boyfriend and I broke up and he didn't fight for me, and in my anger at being treated so worthlessly I was attempting to become the way I felt: worthless. Of course it didn't come out like that, but I knew what I meant.
I'm all done now. I'm realizing that I can't live like that, I can't allow him to keep hurting me after he's already gone.
Now I'm trying to find God again, crawling back to him and realizing that I'm a wretch in need of His mercy and His saving grace once again.
My life will always speak, but I guess that the important thing to ask myself is "what is it saying?"
I don't want it to say "I'm broken and hurt by my ex-boyfriend and stuck this way forever" I want my life to say "I'm more than a conquerer and I'm overcoming by the blood of the Lamb and words of my testimony."
Tuesday, October 9, 2012
Healing every wound
They always say that God will heal our every wound. I believe that this is truth. But I've realized that there is something we can do to hinder that process of healing.
I used to cut myself and the first time I did it I actually had a scratch that I'd received while mowing the lawn and I just kept that scratch from healing for as long as I could.
I think that's what we do with God, when something in life wounds us deeply we can either allow Him to heal it, or we can keep ripping it open again as we rehash it all out in our mind over and over again.
People hurt each other, that's just what we do. We live in a fallen world where sin is predominate and it is our first impulse.
I was wounded sometime in the last few months, and I didn't think I could ever heal, and I gave the one who hurt me many opportunities to make it better, but he never did, in fact he continued to hurt me. As I sank deeper and deeper into depression I reached out to him to help me out. But he was wounded too, and he was keeping his wounds from healing. He didn't know what to do with me, so he distanced himself from me, probably thinking that I would get better with time, or that I would toughen up if he withheld affection from me.
I finally realized that I had to stop putting myself in harms way, I couldn't live with being yelled at for crying, and I couldn't stand to hear the words "if you want someone who will be there for you then you should choose someone else." and I gave up what I loved most in life, the one I thought would always take care of me, the one I was ready to give my life to, the one who's name I would have taken as my own.
There's a lot that goes into relationships, and when you are the only one working for a relationship you should take a good look at your partner. You should pray and fast and ask your partner to do the same until you hear an answer. And if during your fast your partner drops the ball and decides that he may as well just be an alcoholic since maybe you don't want him anymore, you should probably give him up.
So that's what I did.
Now it's my turn to allow God to heal my heart, and not to rehash it all in my mind every single day. It's a conscious decision I have to make.
Father, I need you to heal me.
I used to cut myself and the first time I did it I actually had a scratch that I'd received while mowing the lawn and I just kept that scratch from healing for as long as I could.
I think that's what we do with God, when something in life wounds us deeply we can either allow Him to heal it, or we can keep ripping it open again as we rehash it all out in our mind over and over again.
People hurt each other, that's just what we do. We live in a fallen world where sin is predominate and it is our first impulse.
I was wounded sometime in the last few months, and I didn't think I could ever heal, and I gave the one who hurt me many opportunities to make it better, but he never did, in fact he continued to hurt me. As I sank deeper and deeper into depression I reached out to him to help me out. But he was wounded too, and he was keeping his wounds from healing. He didn't know what to do with me, so he distanced himself from me, probably thinking that I would get better with time, or that I would toughen up if he withheld affection from me.
I finally realized that I had to stop putting myself in harms way, I couldn't live with being yelled at for crying, and I couldn't stand to hear the words "if you want someone who will be there for you then you should choose someone else." and I gave up what I loved most in life, the one I thought would always take care of me, the one I was ready to give my life to, the one who's name I would have taken as my own.
There's a lot that goes into relationships, and when you are the only one working for a relationship you should take a good look at your partner. You should pray and fast and ask your partner to do the same until you hear an answer. And if during your fast your partner drops the ball and decides that he may as well just be an alcoholic since maybe you don't want him anymore, you should probably give him up.
So that's what I did.
Now it's my turn to allow God to heal my heart, and not to rehash it all in my mind every single day. It's a conscious decision I have to make.
Father, I need you to heal me.
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