fighting still

She lay in the forest, she could still hear the battle raging in the meadow to her left. The sounds of swords clashing and people dying, her friends and countrymen dying were too much for her and she covered her ears and began to weep. She wondered how long it would be until it all ended. Somehow it didn't matter any more who won, the only thing that mattered what that it all ended. "Make it stop, make it stop!" She cried to no one in  particular.
  "Why are you not on the field of battle, soldier?" She started and looked up, then upon seeing who had spoken she leaped to her feet and saluted. It was the King for which she fought, he was mounted upon his dapple gray mare and surrounded by his orderlies and was looking at her with disappointment in his eyes.
  "Sir, begging your pardon sir, I couldn't..." she faltered and began to cry.  The King dismounted and approached motioning to his orderlies to stay where they were. He stood before her as she attempted to regain some sort of composure. She couldn't believe how difficult it was for her to simply stand at attention, she had been commended on numerous occasions for her abilities as a swords woman, and her professionalism as a soldier. She had even been introduced to the King before as one of the most noble warriors. Yet here she was, blubbering like a baby in front of him.
  The King surveyed her as though trying to figure out whether she aught to be disciplined or helped. He often made these patrols with his orderlies for the express purpose of apprehending deserters and encouraging the wounded who sought refuge from the quay. Already today he had held a dying mans hand and thanked him for his services as he had breathed his last. He had also had his orderlies execute an unrepentant deserter and he himself had given another deserter a harsh rebuke, a slap with his glove and then sent the man back into the battle. But this one was different, she was young, she was very emotional and she was very afraid. Yes the other two had also been emotional and afraid but this woman's fear was completely overcoming her to the point of not even being able to function as a soldier anymore. The King wondered if she would even be any good to them out there in the thick of it.
  He reached out and she flinched, she really thought he would hit her, but he did not. He placed each of his hands on either side of her face and raised her face to meet his gaze. She averted her eyes in shame but he said softly "no, look at my eyes." She forced herself to look at his eyes and found she could only do it for a few seconds at a time before she would break and begin to cry again. "Soldier, " an orderly interrupted, obviously becoming impatient with all this. "His majesty gave you a direct order and you disobeyed. Not only are you a coward but you are also insubordinate-" The King held up his hand "That's all, thank you. I wish to speak to the soldier in private please." The orderlies moved away, out of earshot.
  "Well, what do you have to say for yourself, soldier?" Asked the King, releasing his gentle hold on her face. She straightened and stood at attention, staring straight ahead and answered, "Nothing sir, that orderly was right. I was not cut out to be a soldier in his majesties army, regardless of my accomplishments in the academy and in training, I cannot kill, and I fear being killed. I am useless sir, and I would like to be released from service."
  The King frowned. "Do you have a family?" he asked. She nodded, "A father?" he asked. "No, sir, a mother and two younger sisters." He nodded. "And supposing I released you, what would you tell them?" Her chin began to quiver. "Have you no sense of dignity? Honor? Suppose every one of your friends died on the field today and you were the only one left, what would you tell their families and yours?"
  She knelt to the ground suddenly and said with a quivering voice, "Then kill me here, sir, for I am nothing anymore. I broke and ran at the very first onslaught though I heard my friends calling me back. They've all already seen me run, and I have not honor nor dignity left to preserve. I'm unworthy to serve you."
  The King drew his sword and held it to her chest, she closed her eyes and took a breath, believing it to be her last. "Redeem yourself, soldier, fight in such a way as to win back that dignity you've lost. I know that you have it in you." She couldn't believe what she was hearing and the King turned the sword and presented it to her, the hilt now closest to her chest. She looked up at him and he smiled. "I believe that if you are willing to die by my hand, you are strong enough to go back out there and fight and die for your King and Country."  He offered by way of explanation.
  She felt courage growing within her as she took the King's blade by the hilt with her shaky hands. Then she rose to her feet and saluted. "If I live, sir, I will return your sword to you." And she turned and charged back toward the sounds of battle.
  The King looked after her for a moment with a sad expression and said softly. "Such is war, that it turns the brave into cowards and the cowards become the bravest of all. Who is to say which is which?"

Love?

"Love is patient, love is kind.
It does not envy or boast, it is not proud.
It does not dishonor others, it is not self seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.
Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.
It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres."

These days I've been thinking a lot about these words from 1 Corinthians 13.
Love is patient: How often am I impatient? I have nine weeks until I see my man again, and I find myself only growing more impatient, but if I love him, then I will be patient.
Love is kind: I feel no kindness in my heart toward a certain person at work and I think that at this point I would leap at the chance to get him removed from his position. Is that kind? Not really, yes he is the most annoying person on this planet, but does kindness only apply to people who are not obnoxious?
It does not envy: How often do I envy, as I was speaking with another friend of mine who is in a long distance relationship and she was going on and on about how difficult it was and how she could only talk to this guy on the phone every week, and only skype a few times a week I found myself comparing my own long distance relationship to hers and becoming a little envious. We talk on weekends, once or sometimes twice.
It does not boast: No, I'm not a big boaster, but I do find myself trying to make others like me more, I will boast in a joking manner in an attempt to get a compliment out of another person. The funny thing is that it never works.
It is not proud: Pride is always the bottom line isn't it? I have often in a church service found myself thinking things like "Oh come on! That's not what that verse means!" But how would I know? I didn't write it, and one persons interpretation could be just as good as another persons.
It does not dishonor others: ok, my boss, I have long since given up on any attempt to honor him. It seems that when new people arrive at my workplace they are not a friend of mine until they join me in saying something about the boss. Yes, everything we say is true, but does that make it right to speak it?
It is not self seeking: In an effort to not be self seeking this week I told my man that I would be ok if he called me less since he is very busy and it is quite the effort on his part to call. I am convincing myself that it might be good for me.
It is not easily angered: Every time I buy cheese my sister eats about half of it, and it makes me more angry than anything else when something that was mine, that I paid for with my own hard earned money is taken and treated as though it was not mine. If I was not easily angered it would take a lot more than missing cheese to make me come unraveled.
It keeps no record of wrongs: When it comes to my boss and a few other people in my life I have a long list in my head of all the reasons I should still be angry with them. Forgiveness is a process.
Love does not delight in evil: I can honestly say this might be the only one that I don't feel convicted by, I hate evil, love hates evil, so we might be good on that account.
But rejoices with the truth: Sometimes I do, but honestly, sometimes I just don't care enough to rejoice.
It always protects: For me, this would mean not talking bad about people,or not telling people things that will hurt them or concern them. I talk to much, I'm afraid, and I'm not quite there yet.
Always trusts: I don't know how many times I have been distrustful toward the Lord and because I didn't think He was going to work on my behalf I simply went ahead and was impulsive in my decisions.
Always hopes: What is hope? Hope is a certainty that God's promises WILL come to pass. It is a confident expectation of what is to come. Lately I've lost that confident expectation and getting it back is a battle.
Always perseveres: this word always makes me think of running. No matter what your legs are telling you or what your lungs are telling you, you're supposed to keep going, adjust the speed if need be, but you've got to figure out a way to breath, and you just have to get past the pain until you can't feel it any more. What they always say it that it's all mental. Well, taking that and relating it to real life, there are painful moments, or days, or weeks, and I just have to keep pressing through those until I can't feel the pain any more. I guess until I reach the Lord it's as if He is carrying me through the pain.
Looking at all this I have to wonder, do I really love anyone? Do I really have love? Do I even know what love is? I can only pray that God would help to grasp it and perhaps someday I'll get there.