fighting still

She lay in the forest, she could still hear the battle raging in the meadow to her left. The sounds of swords clashing and people dying, her friends and countrymen dying were too much for her and she covered her ears and began to weep. She wondered how long it would be until it all ended. Somehow it didn't matter any more who won, the only thing that mattered what that it all ended. "Make it stop, make it stop!" She cried to no one in  particular.
  "Why are you not on the field of battle, soldier?" She started and looked up, then upon seeing who had spoken she leaped to her feet and saluted. It was the King for which she fought, he was mounted upon his dapple gray mare and surrounded by his orderlies and was looking at her with disappointment in his eyes.
  "Sir, begging your pardon sir, I couldn't..." she faltered and began to cry.  The King dismounted and approached motioning to his orderlies to stay where they were. He stood before her as she attempted to regain some sort of composure. She couldn't believe how difficult it was for her to simply stand at attention, she had been commended on numerous occasions for her abilities as a swords woman, and her professionalism as a soldier. She had even been introduced to the King before as one of the most noble warriors. Yet here she was, blubbering like a baby in front of him.
  The King surveyed her as though trying to figure out whether she aught to be disciplined or helped. He often made these patrols with his orderlies for the express purpose of apprehending deserters and encouraging the wounded who sought refuge from the quay. Already today he had held a dying mans hand and thanked him for his services as he had breathed his last. He had also had his orderlies execute an unrepentant deserter and he himself had given another deserter a harsh rebuke, a slap with his glove and then sent the man back into the battle. But this one was different, she was young, she was very emotional and she was very afraid. Yes the other two had also been emotional and afraid but this woman's fear was completely overcoming her to the point of not even being able to function as a soldier anymore. The King wondered if she would even be any good to them out there in the thick of it.
  He reached out and she flinched, she really thought he would hit her, but he did not. He placed each of his hands on either side of her face and raised her face to meet his gaze. She averted her eyes in shame but he said softly "no, look at my eyes." She forced herself to look at his eyes and found she could only do it for a few seconds at a time before she would break and begin to cry again. "Soldier, " an orderly interrupted, obviously becoming impatient with all this. "His majesty gave you a direct order and you disobeyed. Not only are you a coward but you are also insubordinate-" The King held up his hand "That's all, thank you. I wish to speak to the soldier in private please." The orderlies moved away, out of earshot.
  "Well, what do you have to say for yourself, soldier?" Asked the King, releasing his gentle hold on her face. She straightened and stood at attention, staring straight ahead and answered, "Nothing sir, that orderly was right. I was not cut out to be a soldier in his majesties army, regardless of my accomplishments in the academy and in training, I cannot kill, and I fear being killed. I am useless sir, and I would like to be released from service."
  The King frowned. "Do you have a family?" he asked. She nodded, "A father?" he asked. "No, sir, a mother and two younger sisters." He nodded. "And supposing I released you, what would you tell them?" Her chin began to quiver. "Have you no sense of dignity? Honor? Suppose every one of your friends died on the field today and you were the only one left, what would you tell their families and yours?"
  She knelt to the ground suddenly and said with a quivering voice, "Then kill me here, sir, for I am nothing anymore. I broke and ran at the very first onslaught though I heard my friends calling me back. They've all already seen me run, and I have not honor nor dignity left to preserve. I'm unworthy to serve you."
  The King drew his sword and held it to her chest, she closed her eyes and took a breath, believing it to be her last. "Redeem yourself, soldier, fight in such a way as to win back that dignity you've lost. I know that you have it in you." She couldn't believe what she was hearing and the King turned the sword and presented it to her, the hilt now closest to her chest. She looked up at him and he smiled. "I believe that if you are willing to die by my hand, you are strong enough to go back out there and fight and die for your King and Country."  He offered by way of explanation.
  She felt courage growing within her as she took the King's blade by the hilt with her shaky hands. Then she rose to her feet and saluted. "If I live, sir, I will return your sword to you." And she turned and charged back toward the sounds of battle.
  The King looked after her for a moment with a sad expression and said softly. "Such is war, that it turns the brave into cowards and the cowards become the bravest of all. Who is to say which is which?"