Recently I'm realizing again how I dislike goodbyes. Goodbyes are always the hardest thing for me. Every goodbye I say is like I'm saying them all over again. Even if it's goodbye for a little while, I can't seem to convince myself of that. I just love people so whole heartedly that by the time they leave it's as if they've become a piece of me.
Often times, when someone very close to me is going to leave and the date of their departure draws nearer I find myself suddenly drawing farther away from them, even to the point of finding fault with them at times. It's as if I think that it won't hurt me to say goodbye quite as much if I just don't know them as well. But I guess that's a little silly; I already know them and I can't un-know them now; it's too late for that!
So then I wish I could know ahead of time where my friends are going in life, so then I would be able to figure out if I really want to be friends with them based off of when they are leaving, and how long they'll be gone.
But then I suppose that if I knew ahead of time I would end up with only one or two friends (and that's generous!), simply because I'm afraid of the hurt of a goodbye.
They say that if you're facing a choice that you aught to do the one you are most afraid of doing. In this case, that would be loving again, making a new friend, giving my heart once more.
Only I've given my heart; again and again. And I've said goodbye; again and again. I can only hope that my tears are watering a seed that will one day grow into a magnificent tree, one that others can come to and rest and take refuge under. I'm going through the things I'm going through in order to become who I need to become, so that I can go where I need to go and reach who I need to reach.
Really, even though my friends may all at different points leave me and go one way or another (wherever their journey takes them) and even if I have to say goodbye to a hundred more; it's worth it. Not even just for now, but in the future as well. Just think how many different connections I could have one day! Friends in the army, friends in the government, friends in the media, friends in business, friends in law, friends in the medical field, friends all over the world and in all sorts of different occupations! And I'll still know them, even if I haven't seen them for years we'll still have some sort of bonding point from our past.
Perhaps todays "Goodbye" is actually an opportunity for a "Hello again!" That doesn't mean I like it, and that doesn't take away the hurt; but it is a little bit of hope for the future, and a little comfort in pain.
Just some thoughts.
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