Very real and raw...

I don't know when I wrote this, but I found it today and really liked it so I decided to post it here. Hopefully it will mean something to someone out there.

Unsure…

You look at me and I look away. I’m supposed to be better by now, after all I’ve been walking with the Lord a long time; I aught to be totally free! And I’m an adult, so why do I suddenly feel so much like a child? I’ve been brave for such a long time but suddenly I can’t anymore, I don’t know how anymore.

I’ve become that little girl again; afraid of the dark, afraid of sleeping because all the monsters come out when I sleep. I can tell no one, because I’m supposed to be strong! I’m supposed to be brave. I’m like a great explorer, but what if they all knew that their brave explorer was terrified? What if they knew that she cried herself to sleep after being so happy all day? And what if they knew that she kept the lights on all night after pretending to be tough all day? You told me I was small and I objected; I acted tough, I really just wanted to hide how small I know I am. As I look at this great darkness in front of me, it is my Goliath, but I am no David!

Still what can I do? What can I say? There is a verse in the Bible that says “You will not fear the terror of the night, nor the arrow that flies by day.” This is truth, and all the rest of this, it isn’t truth; it’s all lies! As I look at this great darkness in front of me and I feel my legs begin to give under its great weight, but I know that I can hide under the shadow of the Almighty’s wings; I know that He is my protector and everything will be alright.

And my Savior comes to me “God, I’m sorry" I say "I’m trying not to feel this way! What is going on with me? I don’t understand this time! I’m trying to trust you, and I am, it’s just that everything hurts right now, why am I going through hell when all I want is to be close to you?” He puts His finger to his lips, “Shhhh… don’t focus on the problems, focus on me, and I’ll focus on the problems.” I sit down and stop fighting, stop trying to understand and just sit; I rest. He takes me back to the place, the first time I ever felt unprotected “No please, not there!” I don’t even remember that time, but He does. “I was there!” is all He says. He holds me now.