All through my life I've felt like I didn't fit in anywhere. I've felt like every place and every situation that I've been in just didn't match up with me, and like I didn't belong.
Recently I've been realizing that with all the pain and brokenness I've gone through in the last few months I've become a wounded heart walking in a world of other wounded hearts, where suddenly I belong.
I guess all it took was being lied to, hurt and abandoned and I would be just like everyone else.
Now that I've been lied to, and had my heart broken I finally fit in with the rest of this messed up world.
Showing posts with label broken. Show all posts
Showing posts with label broken. Show all posts
Monday, November 19, 2012
Tuesday, October 9, 2012
Not letting my life speak
I know I named this blog "Let my life speak" but there are times in life that I wish my life wouldn't speak at all.
This last weekend was one of those times.
Drunk. Sitting in my friends car as she drove me home from a new 21 year olds birthday party... yeah, that was me. I was apologizing to my friend for being so weird, and for having a panic attack.
My friend then said to me "I feel like we're a bad influence on you. You never used to swear, and now you do. You never used to drink and now you've been drunk three times. I feel bad."
Even in my half-brained state of consciousness I felt a stab of regret. I tried to explain to her that they weren't the bad influence, but that my boyfriend and I broke up and he didn't fight for me, and in my anger at being treated so worthlessly I was attempting to become the way I felt: worthless. Of course it didn't come out like that, but I knew what I meant.
I'm all done now. I'm realizing that I can't live like that, I can't allow him to keep hurting me after he's already gone.
Now I'm trying to find God again, crawling back to him and realizing that I'm a wretch in need of His mercy and His saving grace once again.
My life will always speak, but I guess that the important thing to ask myself is "what is it saying?"
I don't want it to say "I'm broken and hurt by my ex-boyfriend and stuck this way forever" I want my life to say "I'm more than a conquerer and I'm overcoming by the blood of the Lamb and words of my testimony."
This last weekend was one of those times.
Drunk. Sitting in my friends car as she drove me home from a new 21 year olds birthday party... yeah, that was me. I was apologizing to my friend for being so weird, and for having a panic attack.
My friend then said to me "I feel like we're a bad influence on you. You never used to swear, and now you do. You never used to drink and now you've been drunk three times. I feel bad."
Even in my half-brained state of consciousness I felt a stab of regret. I tried to explain to her that they weren't the bad influence, but that my boyfriend and I broke up and he didn't fight for me, and in my anger at being treated so worthlessly I was attempting to become the way I felt: worthless. Of course it didn't come out like that, but I knew what I meant.
I'm all done now. I'm realizing that I can't live like that, I can't allow him to keep hurting me after he's already gone.
Now I'm trying to find God again, crawling back to him and realizing that I'm a wretch in need of His mercy and His saving grace once again.
My life will always speak, but I guess that the important thing to ask myself is "what is it saying?"
I don't want it to say "I'm broken and hurt by my ex-boyfriend and stuck this way forever" I want my life to say "I'm more than a conquerer and I'm overcoming by the blood of the Lamb and words of my testimony."
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