I know I named this blog "Let my life speak" but there are times in life that I wish my life wouldn't speak at all.
This last weekend was one of those times.
Drunk. Sitting in my friends car as she drove me home from a new 21 year olds birthday party... yeah, that was me. I was apologizing to my friend for being so weird, and for having a panic attack.
My friend then said to me "I feel like we're a bad influence on you. You never used to swear, and now you do. You never used to drink and now you've been drunk three times. I feel bad."
Even in my half-brained state of consciousness I felt a stab of regret. I tried to explain to her that they weren't the bad influence, but that my boyfriend and I broke up and he didn't fight for me, and in my anger at being treated so worthlessly I was attempting to become the way I felt: worthless. Of course it didn't come out like that, but I knew what I meant.
I'm all done now. I'm realizing that I can't live like that, I can't allow him to keep hurting me after he's already gone.
Now I'm trying to find God again, crawling back to him and realizing that I'm a wretch in need of His mercy and His saving grace once again.
My life will always speak, but I guess that the important thing to ask myself is "what is it saying?"
I don't want it to say "I'm broken and hurt by my ex-boyfriend and stuck this way forever" I want my life to say "I'm more than a conquerer and I'm overcoming by the blood of the Lamb and words of my testimony."
Showing posts with label God. Show all posts
Showing posts with label God. Show all posts
Tuesday, October 9, 2012
Healing every wound
They always say that God will heal our every wound. I believe that this is truth. But I've realized that there is something we can do to hinder that process of healing.
I used to cut myself and the first time I did it I actually had a scratch that I'd received while mowing the lawn and I just kept that scratch from healing for as long as I could.
I think that's what we do with God, when something in life wounds us deeply we can either allow Him to heal it, or we can keep ripping it open again as we rehash it all out in our mind over and over again.
People hurt each other, that's just what we do. We live in a fallen world where sin is predominate and it is our first impulse.
I was wounded sometime in the last few months, and I didn't think I could ever heal, and I gave the one who hurt me many opportunities to make it better, but he never did, in fact he continued to hurt me. As I sank deeper and deeper into depression I reached out to him to help me out. But he was wounded too, and he was keeping his wounds from healing. He didn't know what to do with me, so he distanced himself from me, probably thinking that I would get better with time, or that I would toughen up if he withheld affection from me.
I finally realized that I had to stop putting myself in harms way, I couldn't live with being yelled at for crying, and I couldn't stand to hear the words "if you want someone who will be there for you then you should choose someone else." and I gave up what I loved most in life, the one I thought would always take care of me, the one I was ready to give my life to, the one who's name I would have taken as my own.
There's a lot that goes into relationships, and when you are the only one working for a relationship you should take a good look at your partner. You should pray and fast and ask your partner to do the same until you hear an answer. And if during your fast your partner drops the ball and decides that he may as well just be an alcoholic since maybe you don't want him anymore, you should probably give him up.
So that's what I did.
Now it's my turn to allow God to heal my heart, and not to rehash it all in my mind every single day. It's a conscious decision I have to make.
Father, I need you to heal me.
I used to cut myself and the first time I did it I actually had a scratch that I'd received while mowing the lawn and I just kept that scratch from healing for as long as I could.
I think that's what we do with God, when something in life wounds us deeply we can either allow Him to heal it, or we can keep ripping it open again as we rehash it all out in our mind over and over again.
People hurt each other, that's just what we do. We live in a fallen world where sin is predominate and it is our first impulse.
I was wounded sometime in the last few months, and I didn't think I could ever heal, and I gave the one who hurt me many opportunities to make it better, but he never did, in fact he continued to hurt me. As I sank deeper and deeper into depression I reached out to him to help me out. But he was wounded too, and he was keeping his wounds from healing. He didn't know what to do with me, so he distanced himself from me, probably thinking that I would get better with time, or that I would toughen up if he withheld affection from me.
I finally realized that I had to stop putting myself in harms way, I couldn't live with being yelled at for crying, and I couldn't stand to hear the words "if you want someone who will be there for you then you should choose someone else." and I gave up what I loved most in life, the one I thought would always take care of me, the one I was ready to give my life to, the one who's name I would have taken as my own.
There's a lot that goes into relationships, and when you are the only one working for a relationship you should take a good look at your partner. You should pray and fast and ask your partner to do the same until you hear an answer. And if during your fast your partner drops the ball and decides that he may as well just be an alcoholic since maybe you don't want him anymore, you should probably give him up.
So that's what I did.
Now it's my turn to allow God to heal my heart, and not to rehash it all in my mind every single day. It's a conscious decision I have to make.
Father, I need you to heal me.
Tuesday, July 10, 2012
Canada
I recently returned from a trip to Toronto Canada. I learned some great things while I was there.
I was a little nervous about this trip, mostly because I wasn't sure if my car would make it, but also because I was going to see some of the people I know from Kirkland, WA.
You may be thinking that seeing my old friends is no reason to be nervous but allow me to explain. I may not be the same person I was when I left WA almost a year ago. I have found myself questioning so much since I've come back to live in MI and I'm always nervous that something will slip out and my friends will suddenly see that I'm not a part of their community anymore. It's not that I'm offended (though certainly I've struggled with that), it's just that I don't agree with some of the things that I used to think were awesome. I've grown fond of a simpler life which I've found here in the past eleven months.
On this trip I saw someone who I greatly respected and admired while I lived in Kirkland and I realized something new about myself; I've moved on. While I used to look to this man to be sort of a second father to me, and was not disappointed at the time in that regard, it has recently occurred to me that I don't need a second father. My own father and my heavenly Father are enough.
I have a hard time putting into words the change I've gone through, perhaps because I'm still struggling, and I'm still changing. I'm not a nondenominational Christian anymore, I'm a much more reserved and conservative Christian on my way to becoming a Lutheran. I like when Church is predictable and simple. I like when sermons are short. I like peace. I value my family more than any Church community. When you're in the Masters Commission you imagine that you'll never change after you get out, so when you do change it's only natural to feel some sort of shame about it. Still I don't need to feel that way, because I'm not in a bad place, only a different place.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that, although I still love the people, I don't think I fit in there.
So there you have it. I've been afraid to say it for a long time and now you know. I'm not like you and I never have been, nor will I ever be. I love the Lord and that's enough. Simplicity is all I've ever wanted.
Another thing I learned while I was on this trip is that I'm really not much for travel. I enjoy getting out of town, but I don't like crowds, and Toronto is made of crowds. Also foreigners make me nervous so being that I was suddenly the foreigner I was very nervous indeed. I'd say that I wanted to go home the second night that I was there. I guess I like my trips to be short and sweet. Still I had fun even after that.
I got to spend time with some good friends who I haven't seen in a while, and (despite my fears) they did not condemn me for who I am. I ate the best Pho I've ever had, I bought some records including The Sound of Music, Fiddler on the Roof, and The King and I. I bought a tea infuser that is (get this) a rubber ducky! And I got my Dad a birthday present that I know he'll love (ehem, coffee). I also bought two new loose leaf teas; Iced Princess -green tea and black tea mixed with dried apples, hibiscus, papaya bits, and orange peel - it smells incredible though I have yet to try it, I'm nervous that I won't like it. And the other tea I bought is called Coconut Cream and is green tea with almond leaves, white chocolate flakes and coconut slices.
In Canada they have this chocolate called Aero, it's full of air bubbles and it's delicious, it comes in mint, orange, and milk chocolate, I think I had some every day that I was, the mint is the best because it tastes just like an Andes mint and those are never big enough. Also instead of Gummy Bears they had Jelly Babies, so I got those for the sibs only because they made me laugh. Probably one of the funnest candies there is called a Kinder Egg, it's just a hollow chocolate egg with a little plastic case on the inside and a toy inside of that, the chocolate is different too, it's very creamy and just so good. Oh and if I ever see my Botany professor again I can tell her that I tried Mango-stein; her favorite fruit. It's from Thailand and it really doesn't compare to any of our fruits so I can't really describe it, but it was every bit as wonderful as she repeatedly declared it to be.
Our main struggle there was with dehydration. If I ever return to Canada (though I do not plan on it) I will bring a ten gallon jug of water! I guess I always thought that Canada was a cool place, but no, it was in the upper 90's the entire time I was there. I even got a sunburn!
On the way back we got to see Niagara Falls, and that was incredible!
I'd rate the trip an eight out of ten, but I don't want to do it again.
I was a little nervous about this trip, mostly because I wasn't sure if my car would make it, but also because I was going to see some of the people I know from Kirkland, WA.
You may be thinking that seeing my old friends is no reason to be nervous but allow me to explain. I may not be the same person I was when I left WA almost a year ago. I have found myself questioning so much since I've come back to live in MI and I'm always nervous that something will slip out and my friends will suddenly see that I'm not a part of their community anymore. It's not that I'm offended (though certainly I've struggled with that), it's just that I don't agree with some of the things that I used to think were awesome. I've grown fond of a simpler life which I've found here in the past eleven months.
On this trip I saw someone who I greatly respected and admired while I lived in Kirkland and I realized something new about myself; I've moved on. While I used to look to this man to be sort of a second father to me, and was not disappointed at the time in that regard, it has recently occurred to me that I don't need a second father. My own father and my heavenly Father are enough.
I have a hard time putting into words the change I've gone through, perhaps because I'm still struggling, and I'm still changing. I'm not a nondenominational Christian anymore, I'm a much more reserved and conservative Christian on my way to becoming a Lutheran. I like when Church is predictable and simple. I like when sermons are short. I like peace. I value my family more than any Church community. When you're in the Masters Commission you imagine that you'll never change after you get out, so when you do change it's only natural to feel some sort of shame about it. Still I don't need to feel that way, because I'm not in a bad place, only a different place.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that, although I still love the people, I don't think I fit in there.
So there you have it. I've been afraid to say it for a long time and now you know. I'm not like you and I never have been, nor will I ever be. I love the Lord and that's enough. Simplicity is all I've ever wanted.
Another thing I learned while I was on this trip is that I'm really not much for travel. I enjoy getting out of town, but I don't like crowds, and Toronto is made of crowds. Also foreigners make me nervous so being that I was suddenly the foreigner I was very nervous indeed. I'd say that I wanted to go home the second night that I was there. I guess I like my trips to be short and sweet. Still I had fun even after that.
I got to spend time with some good friends who I haven't seen in a while, and (despite my fears) they did not condemn me for who I am. I ate the best Pho I've ever had, I bought some records including The Sound of Music, Fiddler on the Roof, and The King and I. I bought a tea infuser that is (get this) a rubber ducky! And I got my Dad a birthday present that I know he'll love (ehem, coffee). I also bought two new loose leaf teas; Iced Princess -green tea and black tea mixed with dried apples, hibiscus, papaya bits, and orange peel - it smells incredible though I have yet to try it, I'm nervous that I won't like it. And the other tea I bought is called Coconut Cream and is green tea with almond leaves, white chocolate flakes and coconut slices.
In Canada they have this chocolate called Aero, it's full of air bubbles and it's delicious, it comes in mint, orange, and milk chocolate, I think I had some every day that I was, the mint is the best because it tastes just like an Andes mint and those are never big enough. Also instead of Gummy Bears they had Jelly Babies, so I got those for the sibs only because they made me laugh. Probably one of the funnest candies there is called a Kinder Egg, it's just a hollow chocolate egg with a little plastic case on the inside and a toy inside of that, the chocolate is different too, it's very creamy and just so good. Oh and if I ever see my Botany professor again I can tell her that I tried Mango-stein; her favorite fruit. It's from Thailand and it really doesn't compare to any of our fruits so I can't really describe it, but it was every bit as wonderful as she repeatedly declared it to be.
Our main struggle there was with dehydration. If I ever return to Canada (though I do not plan on it) I will bring a ten gallon jug of water! I guess I always thought that Canada was a cool place, but no, it was in the upper 90's the entire time I was there. I even got a sunburn!
On the way back we got to see Niagara Falls, and that was incredible!
I'd rate the trip an eight out of ten, but I don't want to do it again.
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