Not letting my life speak

  I know I named this blog "Let my life speak" but there are times in life that I wish my life wouldn't speak at all.
   This last weekend was one of those times.
   Drunk. Sitting in my friends car as she drove me home from a new 21 year olds birthday party... yeah, that was me. I was apologizing to my friend for being so weird, and for having a panic attack.
   My friend then said to me "I feel like we're a bad influence on you. You never used to swear, and now you do. You never used to drink and now you've been drunk three times. I feel bad."
   Even in my half-brained state of consciousness I felt a stab of regret. I tried to explain to her that they weren't the bad influence, but that my boyfriend and I broke up and he didn't fight for me, and in my anger at being treated so worthlessly I was attempting to become the way I felt: worthless. Of course it didn't come out like that, but I knew what I meant.
   I'm all done now. I'm realizing that I can't live like that, I can't allow him to keep hurting me after he's already gone.
   Now I'm trying to find God again, crawling back to him and realizing that I'm a wretch in need of His mercy and His saving grace once again.
   My life will always speak, but I guess that the important thing to ask myself is "what is it saying?"
  I don't want it to say "I'm broken and hurt by my ex-boyfriend and stuck this way forever" I want my life to say "I'm more than a conquerer and I'm overcoming by the blood of the Lamb and words of my testimony."