All through my life I've felt like I didn't fit in anywhere. I've felt like every place and every situation that I've been in just didn't match up with me, and like I didn't belong.
Recently I've been realizing that with all the pain and brokenness I've gone through in the last few months I've become a wounded heart walking in a world of other wounded hearts, where suddenly I belong.
I guess all it took was being lied to, hurt and abandoned and I would be just like everyone else.
Now that I've been lied to, and had my heart broken I finally fit in with the rest of this messed up world.
Monday, November 19, 2012
Tuesday, October 9, 2012
Not letting my life speak
I know I named this blog "Let my life speak" but there are times in life that I wish my life wouldn't speak at all.
This last weekend was one of those times.
Drunk. Sitting in my friends car as she drove me home from a new 21 year olds birthday party... yeah, that was me. I was apologizing to my friend for being so weird, and for having a panic attack.
My friend then said to me "I feel like we're a bad influence on you. You never used to swear, and now you do. You never used to drink and now you've been drunk three times. I feel bad."
Even in my half-brained state of consciousness I felt a stab of regret. I tried to explain to her that they weren't the bad influence, but that my boyfriend and I broke up and he didn't fight for me, and in my anger at being treated so worthlessly I was attempting to become the way I felt: worthless. Of course it didn't come out like that, but I knew what I meant.
I'm all done now. I'm realizing that I can't live like that, I can't allow him to keep hurting me after he's already gone.
Now I'm trying to find God again, crawling back to him and realizing that I'm a wretch in need of His mercy and His saving grace once again.
My life will always speak, but I guess that the important thing to ask myself is "what is it saying?"
I don't want it to say "I'm broken and hurt by my ex-boyfriend and stuck this way forever" I want my life to say "I'm more than a conquerer and I'm overcoming by the blood of the Lamb and words of my testimony."
This last weekend was one of those times.
Drunk. Sitting in my friends car as she drove me home from a new 21 year olds birthday party... yeah, that was me. I was apologizing to my friend for being so weird, and for having a panic attack.
My friend then said to me "I feel like we're a bad influence on you. You never used to swear, and now you do. You never used to drink and now you've been drunk three times. I feel bad."
Even in my half-brained state of consciousness I felt a stab of regret. I tried to explain to her that they weren't the bad influence, but that my boyfriend and I broke up and he didn't fight for me, and in my anger at being treated so worthlessly I was attempting to become the way I felt: worthless. Of course it didn't come out like that, but I knew what I meant.
I'm all done now. I'm realizing that I can't live like that, I can't allow him to keep hurting me after he's already gone.
Now I'm trying to find God again, crawling back to him and realizing that I'm a wretch in need of His mercy and His saving grace once again.
My life will always speak, but I guess that the important thing to ask myself is "what is it saying?"
I don't want it to say "I'm broken and hurt by my ex-boyfriend and stuck this way forever" I want my life to say "I'm more than a conquerer and I'm overcoming by the blood of the Lamb and words of my testimony."
Healing every wound
They always say that God will heal our every wound. I believe that this is truth. But I've realized that there is something we can do to hinder that process of healing.
I used to cut myself and the first time I did it I actually had a scratch that I'd received while mowing the lawn and I just kept that scratch from healing for as long as I could.
I think that's what we do with God, when something in life wounds us deeply we can either allow Him to heal it, or we can keep ripping it open again as we rehash it all out in our mind over and over again.
People hurt each other, that's just what we do. We live in a fallen world where sin is predominate and it is our first impulse.
I was wounded sometime in the last few months, and I didn't think I could ever heal, and I gave the one who hurt me many opportunities to make it better, but he never did, in fact he continued to hurt me. As I sank deeper and deeper into depression I reached out to him to help me out. But he was wounded too, and he was keeping his wounds from healing. He didn't know what to do with me, so he distanced himself from me, probably thinking that I would get better with time, or that I would toughen up if he withheld affection from me.
I finally realized that I had to stop putting myself in harms way, I couldn't live with being yelled at for crying, and I couldn't stand to hear the words "if you want someone who will be there for you then you should choose someone else." and I gave up what I loved most in life, the one I thought would always take care of me, the one I was ready to give my life to, the one who's name I would have taken as my own.
There's a lot that goes into relationships, and when you are the only one working for a relationship you should take a good look at your partner. You should pray and fast and ask your partner to do the same until you hear an answer. And if during your fast your partner drops the ball and decides that he may as well just be an alcoholic since maybe you don't want him anymore, you should probably give him up.
So that's what I did.
Now it's my turn to allow God to heal my heart, and not to rehash it all in my mind every single day. It's a conscious decision I have to make.
Father, I need you to heal me.
I used to cut myself and the first time I did it I actually had a scratch that I'd received while mowing the lawn and I just kept that scratch from healing for as long as I could.
I think that's what we do with God, when something in life wounds us deeply we can either allow Him to heal it, or we can keep ripping it open again as we rehash it all out in our mind over and over again.
People hurt each other, that's just what we do. We live in a fallen world where sin is predominate and it is our first impulse.
I was wounded sometime in the last few months, and I didn't think I could ever heal, and I gave the one who hurt me many opportunities to make it better, but he never did, in fact he continued to hurt me. As I sank deeper and deeper into depression I reached out to him to help me out. But he was wounded too, and he was keeping his wounds from healing. He didn't know what to do with me, so he distanced himself from me, probably thinking that I would get better with time, or that I would toughen up if he withheld affection from me.
I finally realized that I had to stop putting myself in harms way, I couldn't live with being yelled at for crying, and I couldn't stand to hear the words "if you want someone who will be there for you then you should choose someone else." and I gave up what I loved most in life, the one I thought would always take care of me, the one I was ready to give my life to, the one who's name I would have taken as my own.
There's a lot that goes into relationships, and when you are the only one working for a relationship you should take a good look at your partner. You should pray and fast and ask your partner to do the same until you hear an answer. And if during your fast your partner drops the ball and decides that he may as well just be an alcoholic since maybe you don't want him anymore, you should probably give him up.
So that's what I did.
Now it's my turn to allow God to heal my heart, and not to rehash it all in my mind every single day. It's a conscious decision I have to make.
Father, I need you to heal me.
Tuesday, July 10, 2012
Canada
I recently returned from a trip to Toronto Canada. I learned some great things while I was there.
I was a little nervous about this trip, mostly because I wasn't sure if my car would make it, but also because I was going to see some of the people I know from Kirkland, WA.
You may be thinking that seeing my old friends is no reason to be nervous but allow me to explain. I may not be the same person I was when I left WA almost a year ago. I have found myself questioning so much since I've come back to live in MI and I'm always nervous that something will slip out and my friends will suddenly see that I'm not a part of their community anymore. It's not that I'm offended (though certainly I've struggled with that), it's just that I don't agree with some of the things that I used to think were awesome. I've grown fond of a simpler life which I've found here in the past eleven months.
On this trip I saw someone who I greatly respected and admired while I lived in Kirkland and I realized something new about myself; I've moved on. While I used to look to this man to be sort of a second father to me, and was not disappointed at the time in that regard, it has recently occurred to me that I don't need a second father. My own father and my heavenly Father are enough.
I have a hard time putting into words the change I've gone through, perhaps because I'm still struggling, and I'm still changing. I'm not a nondenominational Christian anymore, I'm a much more reserved and conservative Christian on my way to becoming a Lutheran. I like when Church is predictable and simple. I like when sermons are short. I like peace. I value my family more than any Church community. When you're in the Masters Commission you imagine that you'll never change after you get out, so when you do change it's only natural to feel some sort of shame about it. Still I don't need to feel that way, because I'm not in a bad place, only a different place.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that, although I still love the people, I don't think I fit in there.
So there you have it. I've been afraid to say it for a long time and now you know. I'm not like you and I never have been, nor will I ever be. I love the Lord and that's enough. Simplicity is all I've ever wanted.
Another thing I learned while I was on this trip is that I'm really not much for travel. I enjoy getting out of town, but I don't like crowds, and Toronto is made of crowds. Also foreigners make me nervous so being that I was suddenly the foreigner I was very nervous indeed. I'd say that I wanted to go home the second night that I was there. I guess I like my trips to be short and sweet. Still I had fun even after that.
I got to spend time with some good friends who I haven't seen in a while, and (despite my fears) they did not condemn me for who I am. I ate the best Pho I've ever had, I bought some records including The Sound of Music, Fiddler on the Roof, and The King and I. I bought a tea infuser that is (get this) a rubber ducky! And I got my Dad a birthday present that I know he'll love (ehem, coffee). I also bought two new loose leaf teas; Iced Princess -green tea and black tea mixed with dried apples, hibiscus, papaya bits, and orange peel - it smells incredible though I have yet to try it, I'm nervous that I won't like it. And the other tea I bought is called Coconut Cream and is green tea with almond leaves, white chocolate flakes and coconut slices.
In Canada they have this chocolate called Aero, it's full of air bubbles and it's delicious, it comes in mint, orange, and milk chocolate, I think I had some every day that I was, the mint is the best because it tastes just like an Andes mint and those are never big enough. Also instead of Gummy Bears they had Jelly Babies, so I got those for the sibs only because they made me laugh. Probably one of the funnest candies there is called a Kinder Egg, it's just a hollow chocolate egg with a little plastic case on the inside and a toy inside of that, the chocolate is different too, it's very creamy and just so good. Oh and if I ever see my Botany professor again I can tell her that I tried Mango-stein; her favorite fruit. It's from Thailand and it really doesn't compare to any of our fruits so I can't really describe it, but it was every bit as wonderful as she repeatedly declared it to be.
Our main struggle there was with dehydration. If I ever return to Canada (though I do not plan on it) I will bring a ten gallon jug of water! I guess I always thought that Canada was a cool place, but no, it was in the upper 90's the entire time I was there. I even got a sunburn!
On the way back we got to see Niagara Falls, and that was incredible!
I'd rate the trip an eight out of ten, but I don't want to do it again.
I was a little nervous about this trip, mostly because I wasn't sure if my car would make it, but also because I was going to see some of the people I know from Kirkland, WA.
You may be thinking that seeing my old friends is no reason to be nervous but allow me to explain. I may not be the same person I was when I left WA almost a year ago. I have found myself questioning so much since I've come back to live in MI and I'm always nervous that something will slip out and my friends will suddenly see that I'm not a part of their community anymore. It's not that I'm offended (though certainly I've struggled with that), it's just that I don't agree with some of the things that I used to think were awesome. I've grown fond of a simpler life which I've found here in the past eleven months.
On this trip I saw someone who I greatly respected and admired while I lived in Kirkland and I realized something new about myself; I've moved on. While I used to look to this man to be sort of a second father to me, and was not disappointed at the time in that regard, it has recently occurred to me that I don't need a second father. My own father and my heavenly Father are enough.
I have a hard time putting into words the change I've gone through, perhaps because I'm still struggling, and I'm still changing. I'm not a nondenominational Christian anymore, I'm a much more reserved and conservative Christian on my way to becoming a Lutheran. I like when Church is predictable and simple. I like when sermons are short. I like peace. I value my family more than any Church community. When you're in the Masters Commission you imagine that you'll never change after you get out, so when you do change it's only natural to feel some sort of shame about it. Still I don't need to feel that way, because I'm not in a bad place, only a different place.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that, although I still love the people, I don't think I fit in there.
So there you have it. I've been afraid to say it for a long time and now you know. I'm not like you and I never have been, nor will I ever be. I love the Lord and that's enough. Simplicity is all I've ever wanted.
Another thing I learned while I was on this trip is that I'm really not much for travel. I enjoy getting out of town, but I don't like crowds, and Toronto is made of crowds. Also foreigners make me nervous so being that I was suddenly the foreigner I was very nervous indeed. I'd say that I wanted to go home the second night that I was there. I guess I like my trips to be short and sweet. Still I had fun even after that.
I got to spend time with some good friends who I haven't seen in a while, and (despite my fears) they did not condemn me for who I am. I ate the best Pho I've ever had, I bought some records including The Sound of Music, Fiddler on the Roof, and The King and I. I bought a tea infuser that is (get this) a rubber ducky! And I got my Dad a birthday present that I know he'll love (ehem, coffee). I also bought two new loose leaf teas; Iced Princess -green tea and black tea mixed with dried apples, hibiscus, papaya bits, and orange peel - it smells incredible though I have yet to try it, I'm nervous that I won't like it. And the other tea I bought is called Coconut Cream and is green tea with almond leaves, white chocolate flakes and coconut slices.
In Canada they have this chocolate called Aero, it's full of air bubbles and it's delicious, it comes in mint, orange, and milk chocolate, I think I had some every day that I was, the mint is the best because it tastes just like an Andes mint and those are never big enough. Also instead of Gummy Bears they had Jelly Babies, so I got those for the sibs only because they made me laugh. Probably one of the funnest candies there is called a Kinder Egg, it's just a hollow chocolate egg with a little plastic case on the inside and a toy inside of that, the chocolate is different too, it's very creamy and just so good. Oh and if I ever see my Botany professor again I can tell her that I tried Mango-stein; her favorite fruit. It's from Thailand and it really doesn't compare to any of our fruits so I can't really describe it, but it was every bit as wonderful as she repeatedly declared it to be.
Our main struggle there was with dehydration. If I ever return to Canada (though I do not plan on it) I will bring a ten gallon jug of water! I guess I always thought that Canada was a cool place, but no, it was in the upper 90's the entire time I was there. I even got a sunburn!
On the way back we got to see Niagara Falls, and that was incredible!
I'd rate the trip an eight out of ten, but I don't want to do it again.
Distance
When there was none
Even then there was some
I looked and I saw
I saw no more
When you were here
I was there
It hurt to breath
knowing that it's not the same air
If you were near
All would be dear
as it is there is no life
emptiness fills me so nothing else fits
When I was with you
I was not with you
The distance is inside my head
The distance is breaking my heart
Too little space
is too much space
Hold me because I need you
Hold me until we are one
Even then there was some
I looked and I saw
I saw no more
When you were here
I was there
It hurt to breath
knowing that it's not the same air
If you were near
All would be dear
as it is there is no life
emptiness fills me so nothing else fits
When I was with you
I was not with you
The distance is inside my head
The distance is breaking my heart
Too little space
is too much space
Hold me because I need you
Hold me until we are one
Tuesday, June 26, 2012
Purpose
I guess we all go through those times of wondering what the purpose of our existence is. We all sometimes find ourselves caught in that "in-between" space. I feel like I've been in that place more times than I can count.
What is the purpose that I was put on this earth to fulfill? Will I ever feel like I'm fulfilling it? I wonder these things to myself as I go from babysitting in the first half of the week to being a barista in the second half of the week.
I find myself longing for an escape as it occurs to me how many people my age are done with college and are moving on to careers, and how many of my old friends are married and raising children.
Someone once told me that I always "get it" a few days or even weeks after everyone else does. Someone else once told me that my hamster upstairs moves slower than others. Although it took everything in me to not be angry with either of these people when they said it I was able to see that in a way they are speaking the truth.
Maybe that explains why I come back to this place so often. My dusty room of purposelessness where the windows are so dirty that I cant see out and the dust in the are makes it hard to breath. I wonder again and again, why I had to go through this, that and the other. I can never make head or tail of it and again I find myself rediscovering who I am.
What is the purpose that I was put on this earth to fulfill? Will I ever feel like I'm fulfilling it? I wonder these things to myself as I go from babysitting in the first half of the week to being a barista in the second half of the week.
I find myself longing for an escape as it occurs to me how many people my age are done with college and are moving on to careers, and how many of my old friends are married and raising children.
Someone once told me that I always "get it" a few days or even weeks after everyone else does. Someone else once told me that my hamster upstairs moves slower than others. Although it took everything in me to not be angry with either of these people when they said it I was able to see that in a way they are speaking the truth.
Maybe that explains why I come back to this place so often. My dusty room of purposelessness where the windows are so dirty that I cant see out and the dust in the are makes it hard to breath. I wonder again and again, why I had to go through this, that and the other. I can never make head or tail of it and again I find myself rediscovering who I am.
Wednesday, May 23, 2012
fighting still
She lay in the forest, she could still hear the battle raging in the meadow to her left. The sounds of swords clashing and people dying, her friends and countrymen dying were too much for her and she covered her ears and began to weep. She wondered how long it would be until it all ended. Somehow it didn't matter any more who won, the only thing that mattered what that it all ended. "Make it stop, make it stop!" She cried to no one in particular.
"Why are you not on the field of battle, soldier?" She started and looked up, then upon seeing who had spoken she leaped to her feet and saluted. It was the King for which she fought, he was mounted upon his dapple gray mare and surrounded by his orderlies and was looking at her with disappointment in his eyes.
"Sir, begging your pardon sir, I couldn't..." she faltered and began to cry. The King dismounted and approached motioning to his orderlies to stay where they were. He stood before her as she attempted to regain some sort of composure. She couldn't believe how difficult it was for her to simply stand at attention, she had been commended on numerous occasions for her abilities as a swords woman, and her professionalism as a soldier. She had even been introduced to the King before as one of the most noble warriors. Yet here she was, blubbering like a baby in front of him.
The King surveyed her as though trying to figure out whether she aught to be disciplined or helped. He often made these patrols with his orderlies for the express purpose of apprehending deserters and encouraging the wounded who sought refuge from the quay. Already today he had held a dying mans hand and thanked him for his services as he had breathed his last. He had also had his orderlies execute an unrepentant deserter and he himself had given another deserter a harsh rebuke, a slap with his glove and then sent the man back into the battle. But this one was different, she was young, she was very emotional and she was very afraid. Yes the other two had also been emotional and afraid but this woman's fear was completely overcoming her to the point of not even being able to function as a soldier anymore. The King wondered if she would even be any good to them out there in the thick of it.
He reached out and she flinched, she really thought he would hit her, but he did not. He placed each of his hands on either side of her face and raised her face to meet his gaze. She averted her eyes in shame but he said softly "no, look at my eyes." She forced herself to look at his eyes and found she could only do it for a few seconds at a time before she would break and begin to cry again. "Soldier, " an orderly interrupted, obviously becoming impatient with all this. "His majesty gave you a direct order and you disobeyed. Not only are you a coward but you are also insubordinate-" The King held up his hand "That's all, thank you. I wish to speak to the soldier in private please." The orderlies moved away, out of earshot.
"Well, what do you have to say for yourself, soldier?" Asked the King, releasing his gentle hold on her face. She straightened and stood at attention, staring straight ahead and answered, "Nothing sir, that orderly was right. I was not cut out to be a soldier in his majesties army, regardless of my accomplishments in the academy and in training, I cannot kill, and I fear being killed. I am useless sir, and I would like to be released from service."
The King frowned. "Do you have a family?" he asked. She nodded, "A father?" he asked. "No, sir, a mother and two younger sisters." He nodded. "And supposing I released you, what would you tell them?" Her chin began to quiver. "Have you no sense of dignity? Honor? Suppose every one of your friends died on the field today and you were the only one left, what would you tell their families and yours?"
She knelt to the ground suddenly and said with a quivering voice, "Then kill me here, sir, for I am nothing anymore. I broke and ran at the very first onslaught though I heard my friends calling me back. They've all already seen me run, and I have not honor nor dignity left to preserve. I'm unworthy to serve you."
The King drew his sword and held it to her chest, she closed her eyes and took a breath, believing it to be her last. "Redeem yourself, soldier, fight in such a way as to win back that dignity you've lost. I know that you have it in you." She couldn't believe what she was hearing and the King turned the sword and presented it to her, the hilt now closest to her chest. She looked up at him and he smiled. "I believe that if you are willing to die by my hand, you are strong enough to go back out there and fight and die for your King and Country." He offered by way of explanation.
She felt courage growing within her as she took the King's blade by the hilt with her shaky hands. Then she rose to her feet and saluted. "If I live, sir, I will return your sword to you." And she turned and charged back toward the sounds of battle.
The King looked after her for a moment with a sad expression and said softly. "Such is war, that it turns the brave into cowards and the cowards become the bravest of all. Who is to say which is which?"
"Why are you not on the field of battle, soldier?" She started and looked up, then upon seeing who had spoken she leaped to her feet and saluted. It was the King for which she fought, he was mounted upon his dapple gray mare and surrounded by his orderlies and was looking at her with disappointment in his eyes.
"Sir, begging your pardon sir, I couldn't..." she faltered and began to cry. The King dismounted and approached motioning to his orderlies to stay where they were. He stood before her as she attempted to regain some sort of composure. She couldn't believe how difficult it was for her to simply stand at attention, she had been commended on numerous occasions for her abilities as a swords woman, and her professionalism as a soldier. She had even been introduced to the King before as one of the most noble warriors. Yet here she was, blubbering like a baby in front of him.
The King surveyed her as though trying to figure out whether she aught to be disciplined or helped. He often made these patrols with his orderlies for the express purpose of apprehending deserters and encouraging the wounded who sought refuge from the quay. Already today he had held a dying mans hand and thanked him for his services as he had breathed his last. He had also had his orderlies execute an unrepentant deserter and he himself had given another deserter a harsh rebuke, a slap with his glove and then sent the man back into the battle. But this one was different, she was young, she was very emotional and she was very afraid. Yes the other two had also been emotional and afraid but this woman's fear was completely overcoming her to the point of not even being able to function as a soldier anymore. The King wondered if she would even be any good to them out there in the thick of it.
He reached out and she flinched, she really thought he would hit her, but he did not. He placed each of his hands on either side of her face and raised her face to meet his gaze. She averted her eyes in shame but he said softly "no, look at my eyes." She forced herself to look at his eyes and found she could only do it for a few seconds at a time before she would break and begin to cry again. "Soldier, " an orderly interrupted, obviously becoming impatient with all this. "His majesty gave you a direct order and you disobeyed. Not only are you a coward but you are also insubordinate-" The King held up his hand "That's all, thank you. I wish to speak to the soldier in private please." The orderlies moved away, out of earshot.
"Well, what do you have to say for yourself, soldier?" Asked the King, releasing his gentle hold on her face. She straightened and stood at attention, staring straight ahead and answered, "Nothing sir, that orderly was right. I was not cut out to be a soldier in his majesties army, regardless of my accomplishments in the academy and in training, I cannot kill, and I fear being killed. I am useless sir, and I would like to be released from service."
The King frowned. "Do you have a family?" he asked. She nodded, "A father?" he asked. "No, sir, a mother and two younger sisters." He nodded. "And supposing I released you, what would you tell them?" Her chin began to quiver. "Have you no sense of dignity? Honor? Suppose every one of your friends died on the field today and you were the only one left, what would you tell their families and yours?"
She knelt to the ground suddenly and said with a quivering voice, "Then kill me here, sir, for I am nothing anymore. I broke and ran at the very first onslaught though I heard my friends calling me back. They've all already seen me run, and I have not honor nor dignity left to preserve. I'm unworthy to serve you."
The King drew his sword and held it to her chest, she closed her eyes and took a breath, believing it to be her last. "Redeem yourself, soldier, fight in such a way as to win back that dignity you've lost. I know that you have it in you." She couldn't believe what she was hearing and the King turned the sword and presented it to her, the hilt now closest to her chest. She looked up at him and he smiled. "I believe that if you are willing to die by my hand, you are strong enough to go back out there and fight and die for your King and Country." He offered by way of explanation.
She felt courage growing within her as she took the King's blade by the hilt with her shaky hands. Then she rose to her feet and saluted. "If I live, sir, I will return your sword to you." And she turned and charged back toward the sounds of battle.
The King looked after her for a moment with a sad expression and said softly. "Such is war, that it turns the brave into cowards and the cowards become the bravest of all. Who is to say which is which?"
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