Fear no more

I'm running through a darkened forest, fighting forces I cannot see
I'm hurting from a million places, making my every breath a plea
When broken hearts and twisted minds are staring in my face
I need to run away from here, to get out of this place.


I lift my eyes but I can't see, they are so full of tears
I reach and find I have no hands; I'm living all my fears
I'm searching for a tree, but not just any oak or pine
It's where I'll find that I am free, it's someplace that's all mine


I'm hungry and I'm thirsty and every breath is pain
I've lost my very essence, and all I thought was gain
Move, my mind tells my legs, keep running or they'll find you
Help, my legs tell my mind, stop moving, wait for rescue.


Screaming, where does it come from? Who is making that horrible sound?
Like a banshee in the night, the scream is getting louder, coming from all around
And suddenly I realize from whence comes the cry
The crying, screaming voice is none other than I.


In tortured desperation I begin to climb, up and up the boughs
I feel each cut and scrape, I hurt from my head to my toes
And finally I reach it, as high as I could go, through blindness I can see a light
What is this new thing, does it come to hurt me, or laugh at my plight?


A strange voice is speaking, different from the rest, it isn't angry
And I know that it isn't going to hurt me
It tells me that it comes from above, and that it comes to try
to save me from this horrible night, if I let go and fly


Without a second thought, I must be close to him, I release my hold
And suddenly I'm falling, falling in the night, I can feel the wind, and the biting cold
And then my eyes are opened and I see clear again, I'm all wrapped up in laughter
I wonder where I am, the sun is shining and I'm warm, is this the life thereafter?


That is when I realize, how tiny and how lovely, I'm held in a single palm
I'm safe and I'm suddenly calm.
He looks at me and tells me that I need fear no more
That He is looking after me, and He has good things in store.

looking forward to looking backward

Waiting, longing, looking, searching
living, wishing, hoping, praying
all my life you've been there
without fail, you're always near

love me, hold me, never fail me
you never have, you never will
time is my enemy, let it pass
time is slow, let it go

tumbling, friending, clicking, sending
crying, sleeping, working, pretending
always waiting, I'm holding on
I miss you now and always will

Say you miss me, say you love me
say you'll always want me
send me letters, send me hope
give me something to cling to

Stupid or Cupid?

Is love a chain or a fence?
Is love a monument?
Is love a bridge from here to there?
Is there still love anywhere?

Is love empty, Is love dirty?
What is the cost, what is the price?
Is love only for the select or,
Could love ever be for me?

Could love be a stupid dance?
Is love simply a romance?
Does love happen just by chance?
Is love a stray arrow or a lance?

Does love hurt?
Does love heal?
Does it listen,
Is love real?

Is love worth fighting for?
Or will it abandon me
Leaving me broken on the floor?
Will love really set me free?

Is love mine for the taking?
Is love me forsaking
All that once I knew?
All I thought was true?

Is love cruel for the sake of truth?
Is love a bird in a cage?
Is it an opponent to engage
Or a bees nest not to enrage?

Is love letting go forever,
Is love never saying never?
Is love leaving
Is love cleaving?

Is love a father or a lover?
Is it from me or from a brother?
Is love something I can feel?
Is it something I can do?

Is love isolating me from others
Taking away all old friends
Saying goodbye to mothers?
Is love laying down my life
And taking up anothers?

Is love letting go?
Is love something that I want?
Is love something that I have?
Is love the answer?

Begin life anew.
A new name,
A new home.
A new love.
Is love mine?

friends

Lately I've been wondering what a friend really is. I've heard so often "You need friends! You can't stand on your own! So-and-so is your friend!" And all of these I've found myself disagreeing with lately.
When I was little a friend was someone who would play with me. We weren't friends every day, there were times when we would treat each other horrible and then the next day we were friends again.
When I was an adolescent a friend was someone I had to be with all the time. We had to talk on the phone all the time, go to each others homes at least once a week, complain to each other, make trouble with each other. Friends were inseparable and we would influence each other for the worst or for the best.
Coming into young adulthood friendship was still something like that, a friend was someone you could share all your deepest hurts and secrets with, someone you knew wouldn't tell. It was someone who would listen and give you advise, someone who's advise you would follow because of an established trust. Friends still saw each other fairly often and talked to each other as much as their schedules allowed.
Now that I'm back in MI I'm realizing that either the definition of friendship has changed once more, or I simply have no friends. And as I look about my life I'm amazed to find that I'm not heartbroken at that prospect.
I know it sounds cold and heartless, perhaps a little bitter, but I assure you that there is no bitterness in my heart as I contemplate these things. I look at my parents, especially my father and I realize that he has no friends, none at all. He may have co-workers that he gets along with well, and he may have a few people that he talks to regularly, but he doesn't go out to coffee with his buddies, he doesn't spend an hour on the phone talking with his BF. I'm wondering if that is the point I'm coming to.
I believe the definition of friendship is shifting in my heart and in my mind, and when a girl who considers herself my friend urges me to go to a club with her, I have no qualms about saying no, because I don't need to go do something with people in order to have significant relationships. I think now that a friend is simply someone I know will be there if I ever need them.

Take me there

Take me to the place where there are no bad dreams. Take me to the land where there is no such thing as fear. The place where I can run forever and never get tired. Take me where it's fun to study. Take me where even when it's snowing it's still warm. Take me to where I can eat whatever I want and never gain a pound. Take me to a place where nothing costs money and everyone smiles, where they don't need to say "have a nice day" because there's no such thing as a bad day. Take me to a land where I can be with you all day and never be interrupted by having to go to bed or to go to work. Show me what it's like to live in your mind, in your peaceful paradise, free from worries and strife, take me to that place where adventures are plentiful and always fun and never frightening. Take me to where I can always be certain I'm loved and I'll be ok.

Welcome back

Life in Michigan is different. I've been back two and a half weeks. I miss WA but I've so immersed myself in normal everyday life and classes that I haven't even been able to think about it. I do best when I'm busy, it keeps my mind off of what I've left behind and forces me to think only of the present and a little of the future.
Since I've been back I've started classes, I've bought a car, I've switched my drivers license, I've moved in with my sister and her Libyan friend, I got a new bank, I've signed my first lease, paid my first rent, bought my first running shoes, started running, lost 10 pounds, and I've started a relationship officially.
I'm realizing that my heart really is deceitfully wicked and that I don't deserve someone as good as God to love me the way that He always does.
I've encountered many obstacles that I've had to overcome, things that I worried so much about and didn't trust God about and still He came through.
With my classes I didn't think that Financial Aid would come through, but it did, all the way, everything covered.
When I bought my car I filled it up and gas poured out all over the ground, I thought I had a gas leak and was so upset. I took it back to the people I bought it from and when they checked it they discovered that it wasn't a gas leak, it was a brand new gas tank and whoever had installed it hadn't hooked up one of the hoses. They didn't charge me anything. They also discovered that there were some other problems with my car. It was well over $400.00 worth of work that needed to be done and I took it to our car mechanic neighbor of 24 years. But he didn't fix it because the people I bought it from called him and said they would fix it for me for cheaper. So I took it back to them. I worried about the cost and it took them two days to fix, but when I picked it up they told me that it was their fault for putting it up for sale without checking it out well enough and that it would have been dangerous to keep driving, so they didn't charge me ANYTHING!!
Once again God came through and that "gas leak" that I freaked out about was a blessing in disguise.
In moving in with my sister and her Libyan friend I freaked out that this girl had been eating my Kidney Beans. In an act of childish revenge I ate some of her Potato Chips. When she came home that night she had brought me a piece of pizza. I felt bad for being angry and then I asked her if she had eaten the food I thought she had. She hadn't! Then I felt even worse and I told her that I'd eaten her Potato Chips. She said that she didn't mind and that I could have them, she didn't even like Potato Chips! So I ended up with the Chips I'd stolen and no one ate my Kidney Beans, I just imagined it!
I watched in horror as my money rapidly decreased and I stopped eating to reserve what little money I did have. But I was running so I also watched with growing alarm as my body weight also rapidly decreased. Pretty soon I was just hungry on a constant basis. Then finally one night as I was at home starving I broke. The Lord told me that I wasn't trusting Him and to get out there and buy some food.
So off I went to discover the reason why they say not to shop on an empty stomach. I wanted to buy everything in the store! I prayed the entire time and finally when I was certain I would be spending at least $45.00 I checked out my groceries. It came to $28.90. And then I remembered that everything is cheaper in Michigan. I still have most of those groceries, and I'm not starving anymore!
So life is good, and it's a challenge. But God is good, and He's taking care of me.

Step by step

The bridge was one of those long rope bridges with boards tied into it. It stretched all the way across the chasm. Many of the boards were missing or cracked and the ropes had split and were frayed in places. Penelope swallowed hard as she examined every crack or split in the tattered bridge. She looked down and it was hard to keep herself from imagining what might happen if the bridge failed and if she fell. She couldn't see the bottom of the chasm, and had been told that there was no bottom, that if she fell she would keep falling forever. She shuddered as a cool breeze blew up from below, she almost thought she heard whispers on the breeze, whispering her name, calling her to come.
She had been here before, she remembered the time when she had come across from the other side; how different it had been that time. The bridge was frightening then as well, but in a very different way. She remembered looking across from the other side and not knowing at all what was ahead, it seemed so long ago.
The uncertainty then of not knowing where she was going and who was there contrasted dramatically this time with a familiarity of knowing exactly where she was going, and exactly who was there. She realized with a start that it was almost more frightening this time because of that fact.
Penelope turned and looked behind her, the path was so warm and welcoming, so beautiful and green. She saw all the friends she'd made along the way, all smiling and holding out their arms as if to embrace her should she suddenly decide against this uncertain journey. She smiled at them and took a step in their direction, but something felt so wrong about it. She turned back to the bridge and there He was standing on it, smiling and beckoning.
She sighed with relief; it was her Father. She knew suddenly that if He was on the bridge with her she need not fear falling. He held out His hand to her and gave her an encouraging smile. "Come on Penelope, you can do it, I'll hold your hand."
She rushed to Him and then paused again looking down into the darkness, "Or you sure about this?" She asked in a shaky voice.
He laughed as though she had made a great joke, she looked into His eyes still fearful and wondering. He reached out with both hands to her, "Penelope, daughter, I'm always sure. If you cant trust me with your eyes open and seeing me, close them and hold my hands, shut out the darkness and uncertainty and doubt, and listen to my voice."
Penelope took a deep breath and grabbed her fathers hands, she closed her eyes and listened as he softly and confidently told her where to place her feet.
Finally she heard him say "Open your eyes daughter." She opened her eyes and met his gaze, then she looked around and realized that she was already on the other side of the bridge.