friends

Lately I've been wondering what a friend really is. I've heard so often "You need friends! You can't stand on your own! So-and-so is your friend!" And all of these I've found myself disagreeing with lately.
When I was little a friend was someone who would play with me. We weren't friends every day, there were times when we would treat each other horrible and then the next day we were friends again.
When I was an adolescent a friend was someone I had to be with all the time. We had to talk on the phone all the time, go to each others homes at least once a week, complain to each other, make trouble with each other. Friends were inseparable and we would influence each other for the worst or for the best.
Coming into young adulthood friendship was still something like that, a friend was someone you could share all your deepest hurts and secrets with, someone you knew wouldn't tell. It was someone who would listen and give you advise, someone who's advise you would follow because of an established trust. Friends still saw each other fairly often and talked to each other as much as their schedules allowed.
Now that I'm back in MI I'm realizing that either the definition of friendship has changed once more, or I simply have no friends. And as I look about my life I'm amazed to find that I'm not heartbroken at that prospect.
I know it sounds cold and heartless, perhaps a little bitter, but I assure you that there is no bitterness in my heart as I contemplate these things. I look at my parents, especially my father and I realize that he has no friends, none at all. He may have co-workers that he gets along with well, and he may have a few people that he talks to regularly, but he doesn't go out to coffee with his buddies, he doesn't spend an hour on the phone talking with his BF. I'm wondering if that is the point I'm coming to.
I believe the definition of friendship is shifting in my heart and in my mind, and when a girl who considers herself my friend urges me to go to a club with her, I have no qualms about saying no, because I don't need to go do something with people in order to have significant relationships. I think now that a friend is simply someone I know will be there if I ever need them.

Take me there

Take me to the place where there are no bad dreams. Take me to the land where there is no such thing as fear. The place where I can run forever and never get tired. Take me where it's fun to study. Take me where even when it's snowing it's still warm. Take me to where I can eat whatever I want and never gain a pound. Take me to a place where nothing costs money and everyone smiles, where they don't need to say "have a nice day" because there's no such thing as a bad day. Take me to a land where I can be with you all day and never be interrupted by having to go to bed or to go to work. Show me what it's like to live in your mind, in your peaceful paradise, free from worries and strife, take me to that place where adventures are plentiful and always fun and never frightening. Take me to where I can always be certain I'm loved and I'll be ok.

Welcome back

Life in Michigan is different. I've been back two and a half weeks. I miss WA but I've so immersed myself in normal everyday life and classes that I haven't even been able to think about it. I do best when I'm busy, it keeps my mind off of what I've left behind and forces me to think only of the present and a little of the future.
Since I've been back I've started classes, I've bought a car, I've switched my drivers license, I've moved in with my sister and her Libyan friend, I got a new bank, I've signed my first lease, paid my first rent, bought my first running shoes, started running, lost 10 pounds, and I've started a relationship officially.
I'm realizing that my heart really is deceitfully wicked and that I don't deserve someone as good as God to love me the way that He always does.
I've encountered many obstacles that I've had to overcome, things that I worried so much about and didn't trust God about and still He came through.
With my classes I didn't think that Financial Aid would come through, but it did, all the way, everything covered.
When I bought my car I filled it up and gas poured out all over the ground, I thought I had a gas leak and was so upset. I took it back to the people I bought it from and when they checked it they discovered that it wasn't a gas leak, it was a brand new gas tank and whoever had installed it hadn't hooked up one of the hoses. They didn't charge me anything. They also discovered that there were some other problems with my car. It was well over $400.00 worth of work that needed to be done and I took it to our car mechanic neighbor of 24 years. But he didn't fix it because the people I bought it from called him and said they would fix it for me for cheaper. So I took it back to them. I worried about the cost and it took them two days to fix, but when I picked it up they told me that it was their fault for putting it up for sale without checking it out well enough and that it would have been dangerous to keep driving, so they didn't charge me ANYTHING!!
Once again God came through and that "gas leak" that I freaked out about was a blessing in disguise.
In moving in with my sister and her Libyan friend I freaked out that this girl had been eating my Kidney Beans. In an act of childish revenge I ate some of her Potato Chips. When she came home that night she had brought me a piece of pizza. I felt bad for being angry and then I asked her if she had eaten the food I thought she had. She hadn't! Then I felt even worse and I told her that I'd eaten her Potato Chips. She said that she didn't mind and that I could have them, she didn't even like Potato Chips! So I ended up with the Chips I'd stolen and no one ate my Kidney Beans, I just imagined it!
I watched in horror as my money rapidly decreased and I stopped eating to reserve what little money I did have. But I was running so I also watched with growing alarm as my body weight also rapidly decreased. Pretty soon I was just hungry on a constant basis. Then finally one night as I was at home starving I broke. The Lord told me that I wasn't trusting Him and to get out there and buy some food.
So off I went to discover the reason why they say not to shop on an empty stomach. I wanted to buy everything in the store! I prayed the entire time and finally when I was certain I would be spending at least $45.00 I checked out my groceries. It came to $28.90. And then I remembered that everything is cheaper in Michigan. I still have most of those groceries, and I'm not starving anymore!
So life is good, and it's a challenge. But God is good, and He's taking care of me.

Step by step

The bridge was one of those long rope bridges with boards tied into it. It stretched all the way across the chasm. Many of the boards were missing or cracked and the ropes had split and were frayed in places. Penelope swallowed hard as she examined every crack or split in the tattered bridge. She looked down and it was hard to keep herself from imagining what might happen if the bridge failed and if she fell. She couldn't see the bottom of the chasm, and had been told that there was no bottom, that if she fell she would keep falling forever. She shuddered as a cool breeze blew up from below, she almost thought she heard whispers on the breeze, whispering her name, calling her to come.
She had been here before, she remembered the time when she had come across from the other side; how different it had been that time. The bridge was frightening then as well, but in a very different way. She remembered looking across from the other side and not knowing at all what was ahead, it seemed so long ago.
The uncertainty then of not knowing where she was going and who was there contrasted dramatically this time with a familiarity of knowing exactly where she was going, and exactly who was there. She realized with a start that it was almost more frightening this time because of that fact.
Penelope turned and looked behind her, the path was so warm and welcoming, so beautiful and green. She saw all the friends she'd made along the way, all smiling and holding out their arms as if to embrace her should she suddenly decide against this uncertain journey. She smiled at them and took a step in their direction, but something felt so wrong about it. She turned back to the bridge and there He was standing on it, smiling and beckoning.
She sighed with relief; it was her Father. She knew suddenly that if He was on the bridge with her she need not fear falling. He held out His hand to her and gave her an encouraging smile. "Come on Penelope, you can do it, I'll hold your hand."
She rushed to Him and then paused again looking down into the darkness, "Or you sure about this?" She asked in a shaky voice.
He laughed as though she had made a great joke, she looked into His eyes still fearful and wondering. He reached out with both hands to her, "Penelope, daughter, I'm always sure. If you cant trust me with your eyes open and seeing me, close them and hold my hands, shut out the darkness and uncertainty and doubt, and listen to my voice."
Penelope took a deep breath and grabbed her fathers hands, she closed her eyes and listened as he softly and confidently told her where to place her feet.
Finally she heard him say "Open your eyes daughter." She opened her eyes and met his gaze, then she looked around and realized that she was already on the other side of the bridge.

Bucket list

These are those things that I have to do before I die:
-Go to Australia
-Be a Wife and a Mother
-Kiss my Husband
-Go Salmon fishing
-Own a puppy
-Make friends all over the world
-Lead a Muslim to the Lord
-Get a full body massage
-See Les Misrebles
-Jump a train (that should maybe be the last thing on my bucket list)
-See the white cliffs of Dover
-Go to Italy
-Go to Ireland
-Go sky diving
-Be fearless
-Write and publish my own book
-Ride an Elephant in Thailand
-Climb Mt. Rainier
-Touch Mt. Everest


there are more... I'll add them later.

The Blind Poem

The world was once so full
And now there is nothing.
A blank page, an empty scroll
A closed book, a searching soul

Once was light and now darkness
All light has failed to shine
I’ve searched and searched and cannot find
The sight that once was mine.

In a moment you can lose
All that you have known
In a moment you can choose
To keep what should be grown.

In darkness and confusion I stumble over a chair
I don’t know where it came from; I did not see it there.
Do I move one more step? Do I even dare?
When every step I take could send me falling, falling, falling

These things remain to me
I can feel, I can hear
But is that enough to be free?
Is that enough to once again see?

Take a step; find a snare
Turn one way; turn to where?
Noises, voices; all around
If I speak will you hear the sound?

Calling, crying, loudly trying
Let my voice reach your ears
Please take pity on my tears.
I am wasting all these years; not seeing you.

Revelations from lakes

The other day I was on my way home on the bus. It was a particularly sunny and beautiful day and I heard Father whisper in my ear "Come away with me." I got off at the next stop and walked back into Kirkland and sat on the edge of the dock. The wind was perfect and there were so many sailboats out on the water, I just sat alone with Papa on a much needed Daddy/Daughter date. The waves were very choppy because of the wind and occasionally a stray wave would leap up and tickle the bottom of my feet. I loved it and every time it happened I would smile and tell Father how happy I was.
Finally Father directed my gaze downward and I looked into the wild waves, He told me to look deeper and as I did a school of fish caught my eye. They were swimming perfectly in formation and I was struck by the fact that they moved smoothly underneith the choppy surface of the water. And then Father said quietly "It's crazy on top but it's calm and peaceful underneith. That's how I want you to be. When life is crazy you'll have peace underneith it all." I frowned and asked Him "But how? I'm never calm underneith!" And He answered "Just know and trust that it's I who move the wind."
Happy thought.