I'm going back to MI. I'm looking into living with my sister, starting college at LCC and getting into writing and social worker stuff. Strange. I never knew my life would change this quickly.
I'm kind of mixed emotions. One the one hand I'm thrilled to be close to my family and doing what the Lord is telling me to do, and getting my life started.
On the other hand it feels a lot like I'm going back to the beginning and back to square one. Like when I leave I'll lose everything that I ever gained here, from relationships to victories. But I know that can't be true.
I switch back and forth in between being excited to go be with my family, and in mourning because I have to say goodbye to so many here. Then sometimes I find myself in sheer panic because I don't know how to get everything that I need to get done, done in the next month.
Things I need to get done:
College stuff
Quitting job stuff
Relational clarity stuff
Saying goodbye
Figure out way home (drive vrs fly)
Figure out how to get all my stuff home (drive vrs ship)
Car stuff (my friend is offering me her old car, it's nice and would solve EVERYTHING)
Money stuff... bleh!
Financial aid for College
Wow.
God is the one who is calling me to this, and surely He will do it.
God... help?
Monday, July 25, 2011
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
In the Valley of Decision
In recent days I have found myself longing for home, for the fields and the trees and really just to be near to my family; those who will always love and accept me no matter what I do or say. No matter what I like or dislike. No matter how I dress or what I do with my hair. I find myself dreaming of living in an apartment with my sister Emily, and going to visit my family out in the country every Sunday. I find myself thinking of all their funny little passions and all their various idiosyncrasies. Stories of each of my siblings and of my parents are constantly parading their ways through my mind. They are all I can think about. Almost...
There is one other who I think about, and therein lies my plight. The one hesitation that I have to dropping everything and leaving is one that happens to many girls. A man. On my way home from MI just under a month ago I was dead set on leaving forever, I almost decided to miss my return flight. But now that's suddenly changed; I find myself being pursued, and sought out, someone is placing value on me and it's a wonderful thing to experience. I wonder if I left now would I still be pursued even to MI? He's a good man, I don't know yet if he's God's man, but I wonder. The more I talk to him the more I am amazed at his character and who he is. I've never met anyone like him. I find myself growing more fond and more filled with respect for him and more reluctant to leave here; the place where he is.
But he won't be here for long either, he's moving far away; in two to three months; and shall I move before him or shall I wait until after?
I guess that staying here altogether is no longer an option: If you'd asked me at the beginning of this year where I wanted to spend the rest of my life I would have said "Kirkland" without even thinking about it. I would have said that I wanted to go into the School of Prophetic Art here, and then College for Journalism and then work for the Seattle Times as a Journalist.
When or how all of that changed I really don't know; all I know is that I want to go back to MI now. Sure I still love it here, and I have a strange sense that I will come back one day.
At any rate I know I can't last until Thanksgiving here. I can't go through another Holiday without my family. But I don't know when to move.
Do I go in the end of August and say goodbye to a potential suitor? Or do I go later after having spent more time with him and gotten to know him a little better? Is he worth my putting off College for one more semester? Is he worth my possibly doing college online this semester?
Then there is of course this one haunting issue that I can not forget, no matter how badly I want to. A home. In the end of August I am expected to move out, and if I stayed any longer than that I would need to find a new place to live. It may not be as easy to get to work from that place either. But it would only be for a few months.
What should I do? God, what should I do?
I hear Him saying of the man "Give him a chance" I hear Him saying of my choice "Choose that which takes the most trust." But both take trust. Staying longer takes trust because I have to trust God for a place to live for a few months. Going takes trust because I have to give up him and trust God that if this is His man, he will pursue me, even to MI.
Honestly; now that I look at it, I can see which one will take the most trust. I know it's not the one that I want the most, but it will take a lot of trust. And now I think I know what to do.
There is one other who I think about, and therein lies my plight. The one hesitation that I have to dropping everything and leaving is one that happens to many girls. A man. On my way home from MI just under a month ago I was dead set on leaving forever, I almost decided to miss my return flight. But now that's suddenly changed; I find myself being pursued, and sought out, someone is placing value on me and it's a wonderful thing to experience. I wonder if I left now would I still be pursued even to MI? He's a good man, I don't know yet if he's God's man, but I wonder. The more I talk to him the more I am amazed at his character and who he is. I've never met anyone like him. I find myself growing more fond and more filled with respect for him and more reluctant to leave here; the place where he is.
But he won't be here for long either, he's moving far away; in two to three months; and shall I move before him or shall I wait until after?
I guess that staying here altogether is no longer an option: If you'd asked me at the beginning of this year where I wanted to spend the rest of my life I would have said "Kirkland" without even thinking about it. I would have said that I wanted to go into the School of Prophetic Art here, and then College for Journalism and then work for the Seattle Times as a Journalist.
When or how all of that changed I really don't know; all I know is that I want to go back to MI now. Sure I still love it here, and I have a strange sense that I will come back one day.
At any rate I know I can't last until Thanksgiving here. I can't go through another Holiday without my family. But I don't know when to move.
Do I go in the end of August and say goodbye to a potential suitor? Or do I go later after having spent more time with him and gotten to know him a little better? Is he worth my putting off College for one more semester? Is he worth my possibly doing college online this semester?
Then there is of course this one haunting issue that I can not forget, no matter how badly I want to. A home. In the end of August I am expected to move out, and if I stayed any longer than that I would need to find a new place to live. It may not be as easy to get to work from that place either. But it would only be for a few months.
What should I do? God, what should I do?
I hear Him saying of the man "Give him a chance" I hear Him saying of my choice "Choose that which takes the most trust." But both take trust. Staying longer takes trust because I have to trust God for a place to live for a few months. Going takes trust because I have to give up him and trust God that if this is His man, he will pursue me, even to MI.
Honestly; now that I look at it, I can see which one will take the most trust. I know it's not the one that I want the most, but it will take a lot of trust. And now I think I know what to do.
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
Uncle Tom's Cabin
"Of course, in a novel, people's hearts break, and they die, and that is the end of it; in a story this is very convenient. But in real life we do not die when all that makes life bright dies to us. There is a most busy and important round of eating, drinking, dressing, walking, visiting, buying, selling, talking, reading, and all that makes up what is commonly called living, yet to be gone through; this remained yet to Augustine." -pg 176, Uncle Toms Cabin.
Yes I can relate to this so well. Sometimes I think it might be nice to be able to die of a broken heart, sometimes I think that I will in fact do it. But it never happens. I go on living everyday, putting one foot in front of the other and leaving the past behind me. Forgetting is always the hardest part. I suppose if I were to simply die when I felt my heart was breaking than I would not have a chance to be the Overcomer that Jesus calls me to be.
Yes I can relate to this so well. Sometimes I think it might be nice to be able to die of a broken heart, sometimes I think that I will in fact do it. But it never happens. I go on living everyday, putting one foot in front of the other and leaving the past behind me. Forgetting is always the hardest part. I suppose if I were to simply die when I felt my heart was breaking than I would not have a chance to be the Overcomer that Jesus calls me to be.
Sunday, July 3, 2011
Learning...
Things I've learned (mostly the hard way) in the past few months:
Submission to authority is not only good; it's a self protective measure that will keep me out of a lot of trouble.
I don't want to marry a flirt.
I don't do so well in the city as I thought I did.
I love my family more than I ever dreamed I did.
I miss Michigan, of all places!
Waking up to birds chirping and the sun coming in my window is one of my favorite things in the world.
There is no one more important than Family.
I don't want my children to grow up not knowing their grandparents.
I don't ever want to become a vegetarian; no offense to them at all, it's just that I'm still not up to par in the iron count in my blood after a month of taking iron pills, and now I have to double my already high dosage; killer on the intestines, let me tell you!
I still need my Mom.
I still need my Dad.
I don't do so well being 2226+ miles away from my family.
The cost of living on ones own in Seattle is absurd.
------------------------
All this to say; my life may soon change drastically.
Submission to authority is not only good; it's a self protective measure that will keep me out of a lot of trouble.
I don't want to marry a flirt.
I don't do so well in the city as I thought I did.
I love my family more than I ever dreamed I did.
I miss Michigan, of all places!
Waking up to birds chirping and the sun coming in my window is one of my favorite things in the world.
There is no one more important than Family.
I don't want my children to grow up not knowing their grandparents.
I don't ever want to become a vegetarian; no offense to them at all, it's just that I'm still not up to par in the iron count in my blood after a month of taking iron pills, and now I have to double my already high dosage; killer on the intestines, let me tell you!
I still need my Mom.
I still need my Dad.
I don't do so well being 2226+ miles away from my family.
The cost of living on ones own in Seattle is absurd.
------------------------
All this to say; my life may soon change drastically.
Saturday, June 11, 2011
Adopted
I've been stuck on a certain theme in my relationship with the Lord lately. Adoption. I can't seem to stop thinking about the fact that the God of all the universe loved me and He adopted me. I didn't do anything to deserve it, and I can do nothing now to justify it. He did it just because He wanted to, because He admired and esteemed me and so He thought to Himself "I want her as my own daughter!" Then He reached down and pulled me out of my own muck and despair and called me His own.
Why???? I don't think I'll ever know.
Still if only I could get this revelation to go deep, I don't think I would have a problem with understanding my worth, and understanding my identity. I don't think that I would ever again struggle with insecurity or fear.
Father go deep, help me to grasp this love that you have taken hold of me for.
Why???? I don't think I'll ever know.
Still if only I could get this revelation to go deep, I don't think I would have a problem with understanding my worth, and understanding my identity. I don't think that I would ever again struggle with insecurity or fear.
Father go deep, help me to grasp this love that you have taken hold of me for.
Thursday, June 2, 2011
subconscious attack
In the past, my nightmares have been juvenile, filled with your typical monsters and witches, bears and snakes and spiders and tigers, even this random man in a yellow raincoat and detective hat who would shine a flashlight in my eyes. They were scary when I dreamed them but when I awoke I wondered why a flashlight was even scary. Perhaps nightmares grow up when we grow up, because they aren't like that any more. For the past two weeks I've been plagued in my sleep. I wake up feeling unhappy and frustrated and it's all I can do to drag myself to Jesus and tell Him all about it.
It started with a dream that I was on a bus talking to two small children, a brother and a sister. The girls name was Piper and the boys name was CannonHill. The little boy was telling me how unhappy he was that everyone made fun of his name, and that his Mommy didn't care. I hugged him and told him that he was a very special boy and I would be his friend. We came to their stop and one of them opened the door before the bus stopped. They both fell out and hit the road. They just lay there with their heads all smashed and I ran to make sure they were still alive. When I was satisfied that they were I told them to hold still and that I would call 911. It was all so realistic and awful. After I finished talking to the 911 dispatcher I turned and saw that Piper had vanished. I started looking for her and calling her name. I knew that she couldn't move herself so she must have been kidnapped. I happened upon a little trailer house and heard her crying inside. I burst in and could still hear her but it was as if she was inside the walls, I couldn't find her anywhere. Then a two foot tall bearded man came around the corner. So scary! He charged me and we fought, finally I pinned him down and yelled at him to tell me where she was. He said and a creepy little voice that he would never tell me but that if I let him go I could search the place. So I did and he ran off. I began searching, I called her name but I couldn't hear her anymore. I was panicking because I knew that she could die if she missed the ambulance. Then the little man returned and began shredding all the papers in his house with his name. I asked him again where she was and stressed to him the urgency of the situation. He laughed and said that I would never find her. I woke up freaking out.
A few nights later I dreamed that I was looking for something in my house in MI, a little girl was helping me. She ran into my parents room shouting "In here, in here, I saw it in here." and suddenly she vanished. I ran to the spot she'd vanished and looking down I saw a hole in the floor. In it were many things that I hadn't seen in a long time, mostly lost books. I got down on the floor and put my head through the hole and saw that there was a whole room under there with green shag carpet and stacks of things that had gone missing. Mostly I saw books, but there were some toys and clothes and socks and even a world globe. Then I saw that same little man from my other dream dashing about singing to himself how smart he was that he could steel everything and no one would ever find it. He was pretty pleased with the fact that he could even steal a little girl. I found out that he had hidden her in our old cistern, but there was no way I could get to it. Then I woke up.
Then a few nights later I dreamed that I was walking down a street and this guy called me ugly. I told him that I didn't care what he thought of me, and then I tried to kick him in the shin, it didn't work at all, it was as if there was a force field all about him that prevented me from even touching him. Then I turned and ran away and he started chasing me. I ran through a maze of cement rooms and doors. Finally I couldn't run anymore so I turned to hold the door shut to the room I'd entered. He burst through and grabbed me by the neck and then carried me away into another room where he killed me. After I died and he left me, and I went back out of that room and discovered that the last door I could have gone through before he'd caught me led into a huge church where there were cots lying everywhere. I laid down on one and a nurse came and asked me questions. Then I woke up feeling disgusting.
And last but not least, the night before last night I dreamed that I was going to rescue a four year old little boy from his abusive father. There was a man I was working with and together we were gathering clues to stand up against the father. It became apparent that the reason I knew about the abuse in the first place was because the man was also my father and the boy was my half brother. In our search for clues we discovered that the little boy had been crucified. We found a cross in the mans yard and I was so horrified that I started crying and hyperventilating and asking the man I was with how the child could even live through this. Then we decided we had enough evidence and we went to the father. We stepped up on his front porch and were surrounded by people with sabers pointing them at us. I woke up feeling sad.
So my question is why. Is there a reason for all these creepy and odd dreams? Do they mean anything? Or are they just warfare? If anyone has any sort of revelation on these dreams please let me know. Comment please. I want to know how to pray and I want to know what it is that is coming against me. Thanks!
It started with a dream that I was on a bus talking to two small children, a brother and a sister. The girls name was Piper and the boys name was CannonHill. The little boy was telling me how unhappy he was that everyone made fun of his name, and that his Mommy didn't care. I hugged him and told him that he was a very special boy and I would be his friend. We came to their stop and one of them opened the door before the bus stopped. They both fell out and hit the road. They just lay there with their heads all smashed and I ran to make sure they were still alive. When I was satisfied that they were I told them to hold still and that I would call 911. It was all so realistic and awful. After I finished talking to the 911 dispatcher I turned and saw that Piper had vanished. I started looking for her and calling her name. I knew that she couldn't move herself so she must have been kidnapped. I happened upon a little trailer house and heard her crying inside. I burst in and could still hear her but it was as if she was inside the walls, I couldn't find her anywhere. Then a two foot tall bearded man came around the corner. So scary! He charged me and we fought, finally I pinned him down and yelled at him to tell me where she was. He said and a creepy little voice that he would never tell me but that if I let him go I could search the place. So I did and he ran off. I began searching, I called her name but I couldn't hear her anymore. I was panicking because I knew that she could die if she missed the ambulance. Then the little man returned and began shredding all the papers in his house with his name. I asked him again where she was and stressed to him the urgency of the situation. He laughed and said that I would never find her. I woke up freaking out.
A few nights later I dreamed that I was looking for something in my house in MI, a little girl was helping me. She ran into my parents room shouting "In here, in here, I saw it in here." and suddenly she vanished. I ran to the spot she'd vanished and looking down I saw a hole in the floor. In it were many things that I hadn't seen in a long time, mostly lost books. I got down on the floor and put my head through the hole and saw that there was a whole room under there with green shag carpet and stacks of things that had gone missing. Mostly I saw books, but there were some toys and clothes and socks and even a world globe. Then I saw that same little man from my other dream dashing about singing to himself how smart he was that he could steel everything and no one would ever find it. He was pretty pleased with the fact that he could even steal a little girl. I found out that he had hidden her in our old cistern, but there was no way I could get to it. Then I woke up.
Then a few nights later I dreamed that I was walking down a street and this guy called me ugly. I told him that I didn't care what he thought of me, and then I tried to kick him in the shin, it didn't work at all, it was as if there was a force field all about him that prevented me from even touching him. Then I turned and ran away and he started chasing me. I ran through a maze of cement rooms and doors. Finally I couldn't run anymore so I turned to hold the door shut to the room I'd entered. He burst through and grabbed me by the neck and then carried me away into another room where he killed me. After I died and he left me, and I went back out of that room and discovered that the last door I could have gone through before he'd caught me led into a huge church where there were cots lying everywhere. I laid down on one and a nurse came and asked me questions. Then I woke up feeling disgusting.
And last but not least, the night before last night I dreamed that I was going to rescue a four year old little boy from his abusive father. There was a man I was working with and together we were gathering clues to stand up against the father. It became apparent that the reason I knew about the abuse in the first place was because the man was also my father and the boy was my half brother. In our search for clues we discovered that the little boy had been crucified. We found a cross in the mans yard and I was so horrified that I started crying and hyperventilating and asking the man I was with how the child could even live through this. Then we decided we had enough evidence and we went to the father. We stepped up on his front porch and were surrounded by people with sabers pointing them at us. I woke up feeling sad.
So my question is why. Is there a reason for all these creepy and odd dreams? Do they mean anything? Or are they just warfare? If anyone has any sort of revelation on these dreams please let me know. Comment please. I want to know how to pray and I want to know what it is that is coming against me. Thanks!
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
free in love
Today I saw your sky fall down
I saw it in your eyes
The disappointment took your light
Like when a star dies
One moment you were full of joy
Life and laughter bounding
The next you were a broken toy
Lifeless, limp and drowning
Your heart had shattered, I could see
Into a million pieces
And you were crying to be free
But this pain never ceases
Today I watched him steal your heart
Without a second thought
I watched him break it all apart
You cried as well you aught
You tried to hold together
To put it all to right
But nothing in the world
Could ever change this night
I watched it all, and I was there
I saw that thing he did
I want to show you I am here
His sin will not be hid
The brokenness upon your face
Will turn once more to lovely grace
I won’t leave you alone to run
My restoration has begun
I’ve locked the door and shut him out
It’s only you and me
Now cry your pain, cry and shout
And I will make you see
That I alone can right this wrong
And I will set you free
Then you and I will sing our song
And dance upon your chains
And flowers will grow here once more
Watered by these rains.
I saw it in your eyes
The disappointment took your light
Like when a star dies
One moment you were full of joy
Life and laughter bounding
The next you were a broken toy
Lifeless, limp and drowning
Your heart had shattered, I could see
Into a million pieces
And you were crying to be free
But this pain never ceases
Today I watched him steal your heart
Without a second thought
I watched him break it all apart
You cried as well you aught
You tried to hold together
To put it all to right
But nothing in the world
Could ever change this night
I watched it all, and I was there
I saw that thing he did
I want to show you I am here
His sin will not be hid
The brokenness upon your face
Will turn once more to lovely grace
I won’t leave you alone to run
My restoration has begun
I’ve locked the door and shut him out
It’s only you and me
Now cry your pain, cry and shout
And I will make you see
That I alone can right this wrong
And I will set you free
Then you and I will sing our song
And dance upon your chains
And flowers will grow here once more
Watered by these rains.
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