Love?

"Love is patient, love is kind.
It does not envy or boast, it is not proud.
It does not dishonor others, it is not self seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.
Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.
It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres."

These days I've been thinking a lot about these words from 1 Corinthians 13.
Love is patient: How often am I impatient? I have nine weeks until I see my man again, and I find myself only growing more impatient, but if I love him, then I will be patient.
Love is kind: I feel no kindness in my heart toward a certain person at work and I think that at this point I would leap at the chance to get him removed from his position. Is that kind? Not really, yes he is the most annoying person on this planet, but does kindness only apply to people who are not obnoxious?
It does not envy: How often do I envy, as I was speaking with another friend of mine who is in a long distance relationship and she was going on and on about how difficult it was and how she could only talk to this guy on the phone every week, and only skype a few times a week I found myself comparing my own long distance relationship to hers and becoming a little envious. We talk on weekends, once or sometimes twice.
It does not boast: No, I'm not a big boaster, but I do find myself trying to make others like me more, I will boast in a joking manner in an attempt to get a compliment out of another person. The funny thing is that it never works.
It is not proud: Pride is always the bottom line isn't it? I have often in a church service found myself thinking things like "Oh come on! That's not what that verse means!" But how would I know? I didn't write it, and one persons interpretation could be just as good as another persons.
It does not dishonor others: ok, my boss, I have long since given up on any attempt to honor him. It seems that when new people arrive at my workplace they are not a friend of mine until they join me in saying something about the boss. Yes, everything we say is true, but does that make it right to speak it?
It is not self seeking: In an effort to not be self seeking this week I told my man that I would be ok if he called me less since he is very busy and it is quite the effort on his part to call. I am convincing myself that it might be good for me.
It is not easily angered: Every time I buy cheese my sister eats about half of it, and it makes me more angry than anything else when something that was mine, that I paid for with my own hard earned money is taken and treated as though it was not mine. If I was not easily angered it would take a lot more than missing cheese to make me come unraveled.
It keeps no record of wrongs: When it comes to my boss and a few other people in my life I have a long list in my head of all the reasons I should still be angry with them. Forgiveness is a process.
Love does not delight in evil: I can honestly say this might be the only one that I don't feel convicted by, I hate evil, love hates evil, so we might be good on that account.
But rejoices with the truth: Sometimes I do, but honestly, sometimes I just don't care enough to rejoice.
It always protects: For me, this would mean not talking bad about people,or not telling people things that will hurt them or concern them. I talk to much, I'm afraid, and I'm not quite there yet.
Always trusts: I don't know how many times I have been distrustful toward the Lord and because I didn't think He was going to work on my behalf I simply went ahead and was impulsive in my decisions.
Always hopes: What is hope? Hope is a certainty that God's promises WILL come to pass. It is a confident expectation of what is to come. Lately I've lost that confident expectation and getting it back is a battle.
Always perseveres: this word always makes me think of running. No matter what your legs are telling you or what your lungs are telling you, you're supposed to keep going, adjust the speed if need be, but you've got to figure out a way to breath, and you just have to get past the pain until you can't feel it any more. What they always say it that it's all mental. Well, taking that and relating it to real life, there are painful moments, or days, or weeks, and I just have to keep pressing through those until I can't feel the pain any more. I guess until I reach the Lord it's as if He is carrying me through the pain.
Looking at all this I have to wonder, do I really love anyone? Do I really have love? Do I even know what love is? I can only pray that God would help to grasp it and perhaps someday I'll get there.

Fear no more

I'm running through a darkened forest, fighting forces I cannot see
I'm hurting from a million places, making my every breath a plea
When broken hearts and twisted minds are staring in my face
I need to run away from here, to get out of this place.


I lift my eyes but I can't see, they are so full of tears
I reach and find I have no hands; I'm living all my fears
I'm searching for a tree, but not just any oak or pine
It's where I'll find that I am free, it's someplace that's all mine


I'm hungry and I'm thirsty and every breath is pain
I've lost my very essence, and all I thought was gain
Move, my mind tells my legs, keep running or they'll find you
Help, my legs tell my mind, stop moving, wait for rescue.


Screaming, where does it come from? Who is making that horrible sound?
Like a banshee in the night, the scream is getting louder, coming from all around
And suddenly I realize from whence comes the cry
The crying, screaming voice is none other than I.


In tortured desperation I begin to climb, up and up the boughs
I feel each cut and scrape, I hurt from my head to my toes
And finally I reach it, as high as I could go, through blindness I can see a light
What is this new thing, does it come to hurt me, or laugh at my plight?


A strange voice is speaking, different from the rest, it isn't angry
And I know that it isn't going to hurt me
It tells me that it comes from above, and that it comes to try
to save me from this horrible night, if I let go and fly


Without a second thought, I must be close to him, I release my hold
And suddenly I'm falling, falling in the night, I can feel the wind, and the biting cold
And then my eyes are opened and I see clear again, I'm all wrapped up in laughter
I wonder where I am, the sun is shining and I'm warm, is this the life thereafter?


That is when I realize, how tiny and how lovely, I'm held in a single palm
I'm safe and I'm suddenly calm.
He looks at me and tells me that I need fear no more
That He is looking after me, and He has good things in store.

looking forward to looking backward

Waiting, longing, looking, searching
living, wishing, hoping, praying
all my life you've been there
without fail, you're always near

love me, hold me, never fail me
you never have, you never will
time is my enemy, let it pass
time is slow, let it go

tumbling, friending, clicking, sending
crying, sleeping, working, pretending
always waiting, I'm holding on
I miss you now and always will

Say you miss me, say you love me
say you'll always want me
send me letters, send me hope
give me something to cling to

Stupid or Cupid?

Is love a chain or a fence?
Is love a monument?
Is love a bridge from here to there?
Is there still love anywhere?

Is love empty, Is love dirty?
What is the cost, what is the price?
Is love only for the select or,
Could love ever be for me?

Could love be a stupid dance?
Is love simply a romance?
Does love happen just by chance?
Is love a stray arrow or a lance?

Does love hurt?
Does love heal?
Does it listen,
Is love real?

Is love worth fighting for?
Or will it abandon me
Leaving me broken on the floor?
Will love really set me free?

Is love mine for the taking?
Is love me forsaking
All that once I knew?
All I thought was true?

Is love cruel for the sake of truth?
Is love a bird in a cage?
Is it an opponent to engage
Or a bees nest not to enrage?

Is love letting go forever,
Is love never saying never?
Is love leaving
Is love cleaving?

Is love a father or a lover?
Is it from me or from a brother?
Is love something I can feel?
Is it something I can do?

Is love isolating me from others
Taking away all old friends
Saying goodbye to mothers?
Is love laying down my life
And taking up anothers?

Is love letting go?
Is love something that I want?
Is love something that I have?
Is love the answer?

Begin life anew.
A new name,
A new home.
A new love.
Is love mine?

friends

Lately I've been wondering what a friend really is. I've heard so often "You need friends! You can't stand on your own! So-and-so is your friend!" And all of these I've found myself disagreeing with lately.
When I was little a friend was someone who would play with me. We weren't friends every day, there were times when we would treat each other horrible and then the next day we were friends again.
When I was an adolescent a friend was someone I had to be with all the time. We had to talk on the phone all the time, go to each others homes at least once a week, complain to each other, make trouble with each other. Friends were inseparable and we would influence each other for the worst or for the best.
Coming into young adulthood friendship was still something like that, a friend was someone you could share all your deepest hurts and secrets with, someone you knew wouldn't tell. It was someone who would listen and give you advise, someone who's advise you would follow because of an established trust. Friends still saw each other fairly often and talked to each other as much as their schedules allowed.
Now that I'm back in MI I'm realizing that either the definition of friendship has changed once more, or I simply have no friends. And as I look about my life I'm amazed to find that I'm not heartbroken at that prospect.
I know it sounds cold and heartless, perhaps a little bitter, but I assure you that there is no bitterness in my heart as I contemplate these things. I look at my parents, especially my father and I realize that he has no friends, none at all. He may have co-workers that he gets along with well, and he may have a few people that he talks to regularly, but he doesn't go out to coffee with his buddies, he doesn't spend an hour on the phone talking with his BF. I'm wondering if that is the point I'm coming to.
I believe the definition of friendship is shifting in my heart and in my mind, and when a girl who considers herself my friend urges me to go to a club with her, I have no qualms about saying no, because I don't need to go do something with people in order to have significant relationships. I think now that a friend is simply someone I know will be there if I ever need them.

Take me there

Take me to the place where there are no bad dreams. Take me to the land where there is no such thing as fear. The place where I can run forever and never get tired. Take me where it's fun to study. Take me where even when it's snowing it's still warm. Take me to where I can eat whatever I want and never gain a pound. Take me to a place where nothing costs money and everyone smiles, where they don't need to say "have a nice day" because there's no such thing as a bad day. Take me to a land where I can be with you all day and never be interrupted by having to go to bed or to go to work. Show me what it's like to live in your mind, in your peaceful paradise, free from worries and strife, take me to that place where adventures are plentiful and always fun and never frightening. Take me to where I can always be certain I'm loved and I'll be ok.

Welcome back

Life in Michigan is different. I've been back two and a half weeks. I miss WA but I've so immersed myself in normal everyday life and classes that I haven't even been able to think about it. I do best when I'm busy, it keeps my mind off of what I've left behind and forces me to think only of the present and a little of the future.
Since I've been back I've started classes, I've bought a car, I've switched my drivers license, I've moved in with my sister and her Libyan friend, I got a new bank, I've signed my first lease, paid my first rent, bought my first running shoes, started running, lost 10 pounds, and I've started a relationship officially.
I'm realizing that my heart really is deceitfully wicked and that I don't deserve someone as good as God to love me the way that He always does.
I've encountered many obstacles that I've had to overcome, things that I worried so much about and didn't trust God about and still He came through.
With my classes I didn't think that Financial Aid would come through, but it did, all the way, everything covered.
When I bought my car I filled it up and gas poured out all over the ground, I thought I had a gas leak and was so upset. I took it back to the people I bought it from and when they checked it they discovered that it wasn't a gas leak, it was a brand new gas tank and whoever had installed it hadn't hooked up one of the hoses. They didn't charge me anything. They also discovered that there were some other problems with my car. It was well over $400.00 worth of work that needed to be done and I took it to our car mechanic neighbor of 24 years. But he didn't fix it because the people I bought it from called him and said they would fix it for me for cheaper. So I took it back to them. I worried about the cost and it took them two days to fix, but when I picked it up they told me that it was their fault for putting it up for sale without checking it out well enough and that it would have been dangerous to keep driving, so they didn't charge me ANYTHING!!
Once again God came through and that "gas leak" that I freaked out about was a blessing in disguise.
In moving in with my sister and her Libyan friend I freaked out that this girl had been eating my Kidney Beans. In an act of childish revenge I ate some of her Potato Chips. When she came home that night she had brought me a piece of pizza. I felt bad for being angry and then I asked her if she had eaten the food I thought she had. She hadn't! Then I felt even worse and I told her that I'd eaten her Potato Chips. She said that she didn't mind and that I could have them, she didn't even like Potato Chips! So I ended up with the Chips I'd stolen and no one ate my Kidney Beans, I just imagined it!
I watched in horror as my money rapidly decreased and I stopped eating to reserve what little money I did have. But I was running so I also watched with growing alarm as my body weight also rapidly decreased. Pretty soon I was just hungry on a constant basis. Then finally one night as I was at home starving I broke. The Lord told me that I wasn't trusting Him and to get out there and buy some food.
So off I went to discover the reason why they say not to shop on an empty stomach. I wanted to buy everything in the store! I prayed the entire time and finally when I was certain I would be spending at least $45.00 I checked out my groceries. It came to $28.90. And then I remembered that everything is cheaper in Michigan. I still have most of those groceries, and I'm not starving anymore!
So life is good, and it's a challenge. But God is good, and He's taking care of me.